Babylon Rising, Chapter 63

Ruby’s Casting Call proudly presents:

Chapter 63 of Babylon Rising!

Starring:

 Nicolas Cage as Michael Murphy

  Megan Follows as Dr. Isis Proserpina McDonald

 

  Martini as Jassim

  Will Arnett as Talon

and…

Robot Vacuum as The Pyramid Crawler

(As usual, quotes from the book are in bold.)

AT THE FICTIONAL PYRAMID OF THE WINDS…

  Dammit, why is Isis acting all calm and happy?  I’M the one who should be receiving encouraging messages from God telling me I’m doing the right thing!

  La la la…

  I will now send my trusty Pyramid Crawler into the fictional pyramid to see…whatever we will see.  Go, fetch.

  Vrooooooom…

  AH HA!!!  There’s…absolutely nothing in here I can see.

  Awesome.  I’m going in.  All by myself.  And I’m taking my trusty utility belt.  And my bow.

  WTF?  What on earth do you need that for?  Especially when you will be crawling on your belly through a tiny tunnel.

  ‘Cause I’m a manly man and the hero and we’re in the last few chapters of the book, so there’s probably a climactic action scene coming up.

  Be careful.  As the woman, I can’t come in and help you for the finale, even though I saved your ass a few days ago.  I’ll just stand here and be a girl.

  *crawls through the tunnel and reaches the main wind shaft thing in the center, where the head of the Brazen Serpent is hovering in midair because of the weird wind…stuff*

    MWOO-HA-HA!!!  I have beaten you here, Michael Murphy!!  I’m not sure how, but I managed to figure out which country and which pyramid you were going to, then beat you out into the desert without leaving any signs outside the pyramid!

  TALON!!!  YOU SHALL PAY FOR MURDERING MY WIFE!!!

  Wait.  You don’t know my name or find out that I’m the killer until the next chapter.

  Oh.

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Posted on October 19, 2010, in Babylon Rising, Books. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I’m tempted to try and work out just how strong a wind one would need to levitate 1/3rd of the serpent, but then I realized that I have no idea how large it is, how much it weighs, or of the equations to calculate air resistance.

    This may have to wait a while. 😛

    Sufficed to say, I find it…unlikely that a solid bronze sculpture of any size could be levitated by a constant amount of wind inside a building. That’s gotta be at least hurricane force, if not greater, and directed perfectly straight up. And it’s been this way for thousands of years.

    So, what odds that Talon uses his falcon-a-pult to snatch the serpent, so that Murphy will have to manfully grapple with him over this deep pit, with Talon somehow knocked over the edge by one of his own birds and falling to his death despite the impressive wind? I’m betting at least 3:1.

  2. Bwahahaha! Nice parody here. 😀

  3. No, no, that’s all wrong. The fighter carries a two-handed sword; the elf carries the bow. I don’t know, if they can’t get the basics right…

    • Plus, they needed a rogue to go thru the tunnel first and check for traps. I don’t think the Pyramid Crawler really qualifies as such…

      • Don’t you know, you never split the party!
        Cleric’s in the back, keeps the fighter hale and hearty!
        The wizard’s in the middle, so he can cast some light,
        And you never leave the damn thief out of si-i-i-ight!

        Something from… oh, shoot, I’m drawing a blank on their name. The album was called ‘Con Suite,’ though.

        So… yeah. I’ll get in on some of the Talon-does-the-FALCON-PUNCH! action. Talon attempts to give Murphy the bird… literally… while grabbing the third of a serpent. From there, Murphy uses his bow to down the bird, while Talon curses Murph for killing his pet. Oh, and Talon never talons anyone with his talon in this scene, unless he and Murph get into fisticuffs. And because LaHaye doesn’t want to get into the murky waters of when murder is justified, it will be SOMETHING UNBELIEVABLY STUPID and/or CONTRIVED that results in Talon’s, somehow ironic, death.

  4. Right, forgot about the bow, so what odds that he shoots a falcon out of the air? Gotta be at least 2:1.

  5. Too… Many… LULZ…. To… Type….

    Incidentally, have you seen this?

  6. Random archaeology fact/rant incoming!

    Beyond the craziness of LaHaye somehow deciding that that setting part of his book in a fictional place will do any good when they’re all made with “this is what the world is like and will be when I am proven right mwahaha” in mind… The Egyptian government would be fucking pissed about this. Egypt is notoriously difficult to get licenses from to do archaeology in the country. Last I heard (this summer), they suspended all licenses given to foreign nationals. They are incredibly strict about this stuff. It takes weeks upon weeks to get a license, you have to have a specialty in Egyptian archaeology, and security is incredibly tight. Most qualified applicants are still rejected.

    What do you want to bet that none of them have a license? Their asses would be toast if this was, you know, reality. Nice one, LaHaye.

  7. Okay so… how come people knew about this pyramid and knew about the updraft that could lift a man and it’s freaking called “Pyramid of the Winds”… and no one noticed the serpent part before? How did anyone know about the updraft if no one’s been to look?

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