Soon: Chapter 2: Kids and the Funeral
Paul’s last question to his buddies, before the funeral begins, is:
And he [The Dork Too Stupid] had kids too, right?”
So his Army buddies have greater knowledge of The Dork Too Stupid than Paul. The Dork was Paul’s mentor, Paul loved him, he was “like a father” to Paul…and Paul wasn’t sure if he had kids. What a guy, that Paul.
The funeral starts with an elderly man in full dress blues “call[ing] the service to order.” Um, is that really how that should be put? “Calling the service to order”? Makes the funeral sound like a kindergarten class.
Anyway, the elderly man starts by basically reciting The Dork’s resume. I’m not kidding, he just lists The Dork’s military accomplishments…
…He later joined the Reserve Officer Training Corps…
…graduated with honors from the United States Military Academy at West Point…
…excelled as a second lieutenant…
…reached the level of command sergeant major…
I’m trying to think of a colder and more clinical way to tell the story of a man’s life at his funeral…
Then they all sing “America the Beautiful.” The evil atheists have, of course, changed the lyrics, so that “God shed his grace on thee,” has become “We pledge ourselves to thee.” I’m not seeing this as anything horrific, but then, I am an evil atheist.
Andrew Pass’s “beautiful” daughter, Angela, delivers the eulogy. We need to know she’s beautiful because, as evidenced by the Left Behind series, that is all that matters in a woman.
Of course, a daughter will no doubt be able to provide us with deep and heartbreaking glimpses into the life and mind of this man, struck down before his time…
Did you find him tough and demanding? We did too. Did you ever find him unfair or harsh? Neither did we. Did he challenge you to look within and yet beyond yourself for resources you never knew you had?
Wow, it’s like I really knew him! It’s so great that Angela gave the eulogy, so that we could hear the sad and funny and loving stories of a family member…
Honestly, could she have been more generic? And what’s with the fluffy, psycho-babbly “look within and yet beyond yourself”?
Her whole eulogy is three short paragraphs, and in the third one, she mentions that The Dork “was a man of deep, deep belief and conviction, and it was borne out in his life.” Paul’s ears perk up at the mention of “belief,” since he is on the lookout for any indication that Andy was indeed an underground believer. However, the line is so generic and useless as a descriptor that Paul is forced to admit that it could merely “be taken more than one way.”
Paranoid ass Paul is sure that someone at the funeral is “the snake who had bitten Andy“…forcing him to succomb to “the lure of make-believe.”
It’s good that Jenkins makes sure to use several different dog-whistles per chapter.
Then they basically have an open forum where anyone can speak about The Dork Too Stupid.
A line was forming to the left of the podium. Paul felt the eyes of his army buddies on him. I was Andy’s favorite.
Wow, Paul just can’t get over himself even for a second, even at someone else’s funeral, can he?
I just want to dissect Paul’s speech line by line:
“The two years I served and trained under Major Andrew Pass remain the most pivotal of my life.”
Even above your marriage and the births of your children. You’re a gem, Paul.
“Andy Pass represented everything the army had to offer, and he was the one we had to impress to remain among the select.”
Why am I not surprised that for Paul, it all comes down to “who I had to impress”?
“But beneath his drill-sergeant style was a kernal of humanity that I, for one, never detected in other superior officers.”
Nice that Paul is using a man’s funeral as an opportunity to take a swipe at people.
“When he recognized that I not only obeyed but also enjoyed every torturous task he dished out…”
So, Paul’s into torture. Color me shocked.
“…he rewarded me–as he did so many others–with respect and friendship.”
“Why, we were such good friends that I haven’t spoken to him in almost a decade, and I sorta almost remembered that he might possibly have children!”
“I just want to say that he changed my life. He made me want to excel and to treat others the way he treated me.”
“Therefore, I honor Andy’s memory by torturing my wife every chance I get by serially cheating on her and treating her like dirt. Hey, it’s what Andy would have wanted me to do!”
Oh, and speaking of the serial cheating, just wait until Paul gets to meet Angela face to face.