Soon: Chapter 5: Coker

As Paul Apostle and Larry Coker (Cry Ark Lore) enjoy their fish dinner at Smyrna’s Sole Emporium, a thought occurs to me: wasn’t World War III a nuclear war?

Why, yes.  Yes, I believe it was.  From Chapter 1:

Conflict between Asian religious factions in the South China Sea resulted in the launching of two nuclear warheads.  A colossal chunk of southern China, including Kowloon, was literally separated from the rest of the continent.

Now, I am far from an expert in the long-term and long-distance effects of radiation.  Still, reading about Smyrna’s Sole Emporium does rather put me in mind of that fish from The Simpsons

Anyway, over their radioactive fish dinner, Coker explains the plan to Paul, and, of course, proves to be an Atheist Bad Guy (is there any other kind?):

Coker gathered up the papers and packed them away.  “If you don’t mind, I want to go in with my people on the first wave, since we’re used to working as a team.”

“Makes sense,” Paul said, disappointed.

“There’ll be more than enough action,” Coker said.  “We’re gonna have us some fun!”

To end the meal, Paul acts like an ass and Coker becomes awesome for a moment:

“I got a team chomping at the bit, but everything will be by the book.” [said Coker]

“I’m not worried.  And the word’s champing.”

“Huh?”

“The correct term is champing at the bit.”

Coker laughed.  “Polycarp, champing…that’s another difference between the Army and the Navy.  No vocabulary class in the SEALs, man.”

“Sorry, I’m a bit of a wordsmith.”

“I know, Professor.  And tomorrow you’ll get to see what SEAL training can do.  My team and I will have these perps subdued quicker than you can say ‘Delta Force.’  Then you can play Scrabble with them, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.”

(Emphasis Jenkins’)

Oh, zing!  Coker just gave Paul a talking-to!  Coker, you may Rarely Rock, but this is one of those times.

Oh, and by the way, Paul is actually kinda wrong, anyway.

So, after Coker puts Paul in his place, they each get a good night’s sleep, and Coker picks Paul up the next morning with his team of SWAT-type dudes and dudettes.  They carry Bayou Solar assault rifles

Oh, Atheistopia, never stop being the green, cancer-curing place that you are!

(Coker, in case anyone is interested, is carrying a fifty-caliber Glock Century Three.)

They arrive and stake out Polly’s house.  They can hear what’s going on in the house via the bugs that have already been planted in there, and they’re hearing the sounds from the house on their freaking skull phones, which just work for anything, don’t they?

[Paul] heard an animal–probably a dog–padding around, whining quietly. …  The dog came to life when a light came on, and Paul heard running water as the woman fussed in the kitchen.  She was clearly talking to the dog and filling water and food bowls.

Because that’s what women do, after all.  They fuss.  In kitchens.

Then people start arriving.  Just to make sure they are extra-innocent, they are all modestly or shabbily dressed.  And they even have super-secret code words!

A tall, slight man in his early twenties approached the house.  He wore modest-to-cheap clothes and a jacket too light for the weather.  His hands were in his pockets.

The man knocked lightly three times on the front door.  When the woman opened it, he said, “He is risen.”

She responded, “He is risen indeed.”

“Sounds religious to me,” Coker said.

Paul recognized the phrase as an early church greeting, referring to Jesus.

So, Paul, tell us again why it’s so important for you to be here.  Because Coker seems to be doing just fine on his own.

Oh, and that’s the greeting the Global Community used for Antichrist Nicolae Carpathia in the Left Behind series!

Clearly, just like the Carpathianists, these Christians are evil!

Right?

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Posted on February 18, 2011, in Books, Soon. Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. Oh, and that’s the greeting the Global Community used for Antichrist Nicolae Carpathia in the Left Behind series!

    Bzuh? You’d expect that to be rather weird to people who read both series. And given the audience for the books, that’s going to be most of the people reading them.

    Do I want to know how they managed to bug the house? Or these magical action movie bugs that somehow get into the villains lair on their own?

    Also, there is something quite awesome to my sci-fi influenced mind about a Bayou Solar assault rifle. (And I don’t even like guns.)

  2. Well, after a few seconds of research (which, of course, is probably more than Professor Jenkins ever did) I found that:

    1. Bayou Solar is a Louisiana-based company that installs solar panels.

    and

    2. There is no such thing as a “Glock Century Three”. (At least according to Google. Nor could I find it in Wikipedia.)

    Either he’s trying to invent some cool-sounding futuristic weaponry, or he doesn’t know shit about it. Frankly, I’m inclined toward the latter.

  3. “there is something quite awesome to my sci-fi influenced mind about a Bayou Solar assault rifle. ”

    Yeah, but can they be MOUNTED ON FLYING ATTACK SHARKS? Huh? Huh?

    • Don’t be foolish! They’re clearly mounted on FLYING ATTACK ALLIGATORS! I mean, Bayou is right in the name!

      (My god, I think our snark would make a better book than Soon.)

      • Not, admittedly, a difficult goal to achieve. 😛

        I dunno, I like “Solar assault rifle”, less so the “Bayou”. I just don’t associate Bayous with high-tech or reliable products.

        I’m also a bit confused, the full gun name is “Bayou Solar assault rifle”? So it’s a solar model assault rifle by Bayou? It’s the only assault rifle made by Bayou Solar? It’s a Bayou Solar model rifle made by an unnamed company?

        It’s just weird, especially given the way the Glock is specifically named.

        • A solar assault rifle? What happens when it rains for a week straight?

          • Nah nah, it’s a Solar Assault Rifle because it shoots sunbeams although it comes with a rainbow option as well.

          • (Supposed to be a reply to Tricksterson, but for some reason, I can’t respond directly.)

            It just so happens that one of my occasional sporadic bits of writing was a little vignette, the punchline of which was that the guy who’d been in some unspecified state of preservation for centuries was confused by the idea that a spaceship got all its power from the Sun, but it was revealed that language had changed, and “solar power” now meant hydrogen fusion, the source of the Sun’s energy.

    • Once again, hapax, you are not far off at all. After all, these are FRICKIN’ LASER GUNS!

  4. I just don’t associate Bayous with high-tech or reliable products.

    What, y’all never heard of Bayou “Teche”?

    The dog came to life when a light came on
    He is risen, indeed?

    • He is risen, indeed?

      😄

      If this is actually some sort of religion built around photon-powered necromancy of household pets I will be overjoyed beyond belief.

  5. Glocks, being European guns, are of course Evil. And fifty-cal? OK, there have been production pistols that big – most famously, the larger version of the Desert Eagle – but they’re all wrist-breakers. If you find yourself regularly being accosted by bears at close range, they may be useful, but in the main they’re penis-substitutes that are scorned by serious shooters.

    I’m starting to get the feeling that Jerry went to his local Christian Gun Club for “research”, and believed the first thing he was told by the first person to talk to him.

    • Well there is a substantial portion of the US army that still wants the 45 back, but that’s been addressed before…
      What bugs me is that they’re going up against unarmored targets in an urban environment, and they’re taking weapons with MAXIMUM penetration!
      So… I guess in evil Athiestopia we don’t worry about collateral damage. I guess we don’t worry about where bullets go in an urban environment. I’m betting a lot of urban families have their children sleep in bathtubs… Just in case.
      I’m sorry, but I’m constantly wanting to shout THIS at Jenkins

    • Yeah, my first reaction to the “fifty-caliber Glock Century Three” was ‘man what.’ Because you break out a fifty-cal pistol when you want to tell the world you’re an overcompensating douche. I have never heard of it being at all seriously carried for use in close-quarters combat.

      Then again, Smith from the Matrix films carried a DEagle. Maybe Jerry was trying to allude to Agent V. Elrond of the Desert. (Evil government agent, evil atheist terrorist, evil fantasy elf, and evil transvestite, all wrapped up in one package of awesome!)

      • Base Delta Zero

        Then again, Smith from the Matrix films carried a DEagle. Maybe Jerry was trying to allude to Agent V. Elrond of the Desert. (Evil government agent, evil atheist terrorist, evil fantasy elf, and evil transvestite, all wrapped up in one package of awesome!)

        Of course, Smith had the excuse of being a computer program in a simulation, and thus not having to worry about things like ‘accuracy’, ‘recoil’, or ‘ammo’…

        And… there hasn’t been a serious war in decades in this series? Maybe the weapons manufacturers started getting… exuberant without field experience to reign them in?

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