Soon: Chapter 9: St. Stephen

Stephen Lloyd (End Hell Typos?  Pled Honestly?) is led away.

Actually, screw the anagrams on this one.  Just look at the guy’s name.  Stephen.  Not hard to see where this is going…

The Lloyd part…maybe Martyn Lloyd-Jones, an influential minister at Westminster Chapel?

Paul headed down the hall to observe, curious about Stephen Lloyd.  Maybe he was a hero, maybe a troublemaker.  If Lloyd had intervened in a good cause, assailing an armed guard was still reckless, considering all the help at hand right down the hall.  Standing fearlessly on principle could be noble or hot-headed, but it was also typical extremist behavior.

Wow.  That may be the very first time in the entire book that Paul has an idea about religion that is neither common knowledge nor something he learned in the past few weeks.  Only took us two missions and 77 pages.

Paul guessed Lloyd at six-foot-three and at least 250 pounds.

Paul sure spends an awful lot of time guessing other dudes’ vital statitics.  He did it with Coker, too, back in San Francisco…

[Coker] had short blonde hair and red cheeks, stood about six feet, and was thick and solid.  Paul guessed 225 pounds.

I wonder if he ever asks the other guys if the guesses are correct.  “So, Coker, if you don’t mind my asking…how much do you weigh?”  “Okay, Lloyd, take a seat under these bright lights.  This won’t take long if you tell us what we need to know.  First question: How much do you weigh?”

At any rate, it might be more interesting than the questioning of Stephen, which is pretty mundane.  Where he’s from, did he play college football, etc., etc.

Then Dirk brings out the contents of Stephen’s room: wallet, keys, and…dun dun dunnnnnn…”a dull gray coin attached to a leather strap.”

Pay attention, y’all–this is the Sardis stuff, right here!

Dirk makes this very odd statement:

“You’re not old enough to remember books.”

This strikes me as a distinct lack of imagination.  I mean, I’m too young to remember 45 rpms, but they are still perfectly recognizable to me, and they have symbolic meaning.

Then Paul looks as the coin and sees…

The engraved book was open.  What was that behind it?  A quill?  No, that would be in front of the book, not in the background.  Then Paul recognized it–a palm frond–and knew what it meant.

Hey, this is Paul again using actual knowledge! 

I am, frankly, shocked.

Paul and Stephen walk outside as Paul takes over the questioning, and he messes with Stephen’s head for a minute, dropping words like “sign” and “miracle.”

Then the dim light of Paul’s “quick wit” flickers and is extinguished, and he simply begins “parroting” the words of the old lady back in sinful San Francisco.  Again, stuff that he’s only learned in the past few weeks.  I just resent how very, very little indication we get of how Paul’s frackin’ Ph.D. actually does him any good.

But it doesn’t really matter, as Stephen is no great intellectual prodigy, either.  Heck, one “He is risen” from Paul, and Stephen is gushing like a Miracle Well in a Gulfland oil field. 

“There are others like us?” [Paul asked]

“Some.  Mexicans, mostly.  They tend to keep to the old ways.”

Old ways?  Why, those weird-ass Catholics!

Yanno, in a world where religion has been outlawed, you’d think the religious would stick together.  But no, it’s still Really Real Christian or hell-bound.

But Stephen’s barely getting started telling Paul bunches of secrets when Donny Johnson wanders up:

“Hey there,” Donny Johnson called…”How’s it goin’?”

“Fine,” Paul said.  “I’m making an arrest.”

I’ve been having some fun playing SWAT 4 recently, and one line from The Spoony One’s Let’s Plays seems particularly apropos:

YOU FOOL!

So Paul has Stephen right where he wants him, with the potential to easily reveal all other Christians among the roughnecks, maybe even beyond into all of Gulfland, and he tips his hand after two minutes of questioning?

What.  An.  Idiot.

I just cannot get over this.  It is Paul’s personal, not to mention professional mission to bring down the “Christian threat” from the inside.  He’s succeeded, in a mere two minutes, in getting a Christian on his side.  In a few more minutes, Paul could have information and names that might take months to get under other circumstances.  And he throws it all away so he can look all suave in front of Donny Johnson.

Who, true to his word, beings pummeling on poor St. Stephen.  All the commotion brings Tick a-runnin’, and true to his word, he tries to break up the fight.

“Johnson, stop!” Tick shouted, jumping to grab his arm.  Johnson wrenched free, his hat flying, and again set upon Lloyd, pushing him back into the cinder blocks.  Before Tick could stop him, Johnson had snatched up a block and started brutally bludgeoning the roughneck.

“You’ll kill him!”  Jefferson flung himself at Johnson, trying to wrestle him away.  “Help me!” he yelled at Paul, who had been watching with satisfaction.

OH I C WUT U DID THERE, JERRY JENKINS!

When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him.  But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.  “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him.  Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.”  Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold their sin against them.”  When he had said this, he fell asleep.

And Saul was there, giving approval to his death.

-Acts 7:54-60 

And, of course, it turns out that Donny Johnson has indeed killed Stephen Lloyd, and…

Wait a minute!

Stephen Lloyd…Don’s Hell Type!

Holy crap!

Jenkins is telling us that by beating a Christian to death, Donny Johnson demonstrates that he is going to Hell.  Stephen Lloyd is Donny Johnson’s Hell Type!

The anagrams make it all so clear…

So, Donny’s killed St. Stephen, and Tick wants to arrest Donny.  And in Tick, just like Coker, we have a potentially interesting character who comes to nothing.  Tick has the balls to arrest Donny for doing something seen by both Donny and Paul as just and good, and…we never hear from Tick again.

Mostly because Paul says,

“Leave Johnson to me.  I want his help.”

Um, that’s great, Paul, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have authority over Tick.

But I guess I’m wrong, because Tick disappears from the book, and Donny and Paul round up the Mexican roughnecks (and only the Mexicans, despite St. Stephen’s implication that there are USSA-ian Christians, too) for interrogation.

Paul has decided to change his method of questioning from coercion and fake-outs to simple threats.  He lines up the Mexicans and holds a gun to one guy’s head, demanding to know the names of all the Christians.

Now, even beyond being just over-the-top and goofy, you know what might work even better, Paul?

HOW ABOUT PRETENDING TO BE A CHRISTIAN FOR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS SO THEY’LL TAKE YOU INTO THEIR CONFIDENCE, JUST LIKE STEPHEN DID, YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN???

But it’s all for nothing, as just then, there’s an alarm and “an eruption of smoke in the distance.”

Donny immediately heads out to investigate.  Paul, for reasons best known to himself, tags along, just leaving the Mexicans to stand around, I suppose.

At the smoke-filled site:

The driver lowered the interior window.

“Give me one of those coats, Stepola,” Johnson said.  “The biggest one.”

“What are you doing, Johnson?” Paul said.  “Just call out the fire crew and wait in the car.  You’re under arrest.”

“I’m the law out here, mister, not the NPO.”  He brandished a Walther Stealth.  “Try to stop me, I’ll kill you.”

Paul held up his hands.  “You’re insane, walking into a fire.”

Johnson opened his window a crack.  “There’s an updraft.  Just wait five minutes,” he told the chauffeur.  “I’m gonna catch me a terrorist.”

Oh, so now Paul cares that Donny’s under arrest.  Because he didn’t so much care twenty minutes ago.  He’s always gotta have it how he wants it, doesn’t he?

With the skull phones not getting reception, Paul and the driver inexplicably give Donny ten minutes out there in the dense and toxic smoke before they decide that maaaaaybe it’s a good idea to go after him.  And they actually do it in a pretty smart way–Paul gets some rope from the truck and has the driver sit in the car with one end, and he goes out, doing a criss-cross pattern, holding the other end.

That brief moment of intelligence done, Paul decides it’s time to fulfill his eternal, Saullish destiny do something incredibly stupid take off his grimy goggles because he can’t quite see what in the world might be making that strange noise.

Hmmm…

The whirring grew louder, faster…The winds began to wail.

My, what could it be?

Several hours earlier…

The fire sounded unearthly–not the familiar snap and crackle of a wood fire but rather an uprush of wind whirling to a keening wail high overhead–what Paul imagined a tornado would sound like up close.

Paul even has the audacity to think…

That tornado sound…

…but it doesn’t occur to him to, yanno, leave.  Instead, he takes off his goggles.

GEE YOU WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!!

Another pillar of fire erupts right in front of Paul’s unshielded, stupid face.

And he goes blind.

Wow.  Shocker.

Advertisements

Posted on April 9, 2011, in Books, Soon. Bookmark the permalink. 48 Comments.

  1. Inquisitive Raven

    Billl McDevitt, assistant fire chief and the man who ran the firefighter drills at the company where I used to volunteer, would rip Paul a new one for going into a hazmat scene/ fire ground without adequate protection. I mean goggles? Seriously? Is that all the protective gear he’s wearing? He’s lucky he just got blinded. If he’s not wearing an SCBA, he should have suffocated on the fumes and had his lungs scorched from trying to breathe superheated air. Look at the photo of the firefighter with SCBA on the linked page. Notice that eye protection is built into the mask. Not only does that mask cover the wearer’s whole face, but the straps that secure fit under the helmet. One can’t casually remove that to get a better view. And that’s ignoring the fact that it wouldn’t work. If the fumes are that toxic in the first place, they’d blind hm just fine. Another pillar of fire isn’t even remotely necessary. If the smoke is as black and dense as the stuff in those oil well fire pictures I linked to in the last post, he wouldn’t be able to see anything even if he wasn’t blinded.

    TL;DR, it’s a bigger miracle that Paul survived that stunt than the pillar of fire itself is.
    Now, do you think anyone’s going to realize that?

  2. The parody writes itself. “Paul guessed Lloyd at at least eight inches – a man’s man.”

    I’m told that children today have trouble recognising the “telephone” icon until it’s explained to them, never having seen a handset of that shape.

    “Leave Johnson to me – someone who randomly kills people who were more useful alive is just the sort of guy I want on my team.”

    In L&J world it’s entirely sensible to ignore basic safety precautions of the Spirit is moving you. (In L&J world there’s probably no health insurance anyway, so you can’t void it by doing something stupid.)

  3. Gah. “IF” the Spirit is moving you.

  4. The Lloyd part…
    Well, there are lots of Lloyds, of course. Including a former Bishop of Saskatchewan, who is reported to have said, ‘Young man, there is no hope for men who have holes in the seats of their trousers, but there is hope for men who have holes in the knees of their trousers.'”
    That’s tellin’ ’em.

    But I myself prefer to associate the name with Lloyd Sherman, the Little Colonel herself.

    Stephen Lloyd is Donny Johnson’s Hell Type!

    The anagrams make it all so clear…
    Oh God. The anagrams. Clever, our Jerry, isn’t he?

    YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN
    Which is all the more annoying when you consider who Paul Stepola is supposed to be modeled after. Because, whatever you may think of the original, accept-no-substitutes St. Paul, whatever your opinions about his doctrines or politics or writing style, no one ever called him stupid.

    Also, your Google Ads are right now inviting me to “Earn a religion degree or diploma” from “Christian Studies Online.” Maybe I too could be as educated as Paul Stepola: knowing nothing about basic concepts, but able to recognize obscure references at a glance!

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      “Stepola” = “Apostle” Spelled Sideways, Get It (nudge nudge wink wink)?

      Once more Jerry Jenkins demonstrates his truly awful tin ear for character names. Compounded by the addition of “See How Clever I Am?”

      Because, whatever you may think of the original, accept-no-substitutes St. Paul, whatever your opinions about his doctrines or politics or writing style, no one ever called him stupid.

      Rabbi trained by Gamaliel (who in turn was called “a second Hillel”), I think not. Paul’s mentor was the most prestigious and educated Rabbi of his time.

  5. You know, I could almost go with Paul being an idiot, particularly in not doing more interrogating Stephen and the Mexicans, if only it was clear that this was supposed to be God blinding him to protect His people. Alas, that would require Paul to actually show a greater degree of intelligence in the later books. Maybe he does – while I read all three books at one point, I think I blocked most of them from my memory. Somehow, though, I don’t think we’ll be that lucky.

  6. Inquisitive Raven

    Grumble. It would appear that WordPress ate my comment.

    Anyway, is this yet another case of Jenkins Research Fail? I mean it’s been hammered on that this crap is toxic. I used to do EMS at a volunteer fire company, and the safety officer would have my hide if I were ever that sloppy at a fire ground or a hazmat scene, and this is both. Paul’s going in there with goggles as his only protection? O_o He’s lucky if the only thing that happens to him is getting blinded. He’s much more likely to be dead of smoke inhalation; between the toxic fumes and the heat, he’ll be lucky to have recognizable lungs. Of course, Donny boy seems to have gone in with just a coat, and I’m not clear on exactly what kind of coat at that. I suppose it’s too much to expect that it would be anything remotely resembling a firefighter’s bunker coat. Ah, I get it, Paul surviving is the real miracle.

    • Nope, it didn’t eat it–just thought it was spam for some reason. Fixored. 🙂

      • Inquisitive Raven

        If it was being held for moderation, it could’ve at least told me that. I’m used to systems giving comments with multiple links the hairy eyeball, but usually they at least tell it’s being held, so you know what’s going on.

        I will refrain from commenting on Paul’s tradecraft or lack thereof.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      Anyway, is this yet another case of Jenkins Research Fail?

      It’s yet another case of Jenkins Research Fail. Along with cruise ships on the Jordan River and five-hour foot treks east-to-west across Manhattan Island.

      Research fail approaching Salem Kirban and Brother Bartholemew’s solar-charged, full-phaser-disintegration-effect Laser Ring.

  7. “You’re not old enough to remember books.”

    Bzuh? How old is Paul supposed to be? Wait, I can figure this out…

    According to Amazon, the book is set 36 years after WWIII – 2046 by our reckoning – and was published in 2003. Jae and Paul married in our 2036, after grad school, so when they were at least 26. Which means they were born in 2010 at the latest. He thought books would vanish completely by the time Jae and Paul were kids? Say by ten years after the book itself was published? (And they would have to be gone from everyday use for that line to make any sense and gone when Paul was very, very young.)

    Books aren’t like telephones or even records. While there is (sort of) technology now to replace them, it’s only available to the better off. E-readers aren’t likely to replace books any time soon.

    And that appears to be the least stupid thing in this chapter.

    • Actually, it’s worse…Paul is older than that, since he was born during the war. His age roughly corresponds to the actual year, so he’s around 36.

    • And what, he’s never seen a movie made or set before his birth, which would feature books at least as a background item? I know what old-fashioned telephones are like and I haven’t actually seen one in years.

      • Seiberwing – watch a movie in boring old 2-D? Ew!

      • They got rid of all movies set before WW III along with all the books?

        Also, shouldn’t Paul have wanted to find out how the Christians were sabotaging the oil wells (since they seem to be certain it is sabotage) before tipping his hand?

        But none of the rest of this makes much sense, so why should the interrogations and whether or not people still have books.

        • Inquisitive Raven

          Also, TV shows and online videos with books as background item? Jenkins seems to have no clue whatsoever about the logistics of such large scale censorship or how hard it is to erase something from the Internet. Also, wouldn’t their parents still have books in their houses if they read? I know that if I get an e-reader, I wouldn’t throw out all my books, especially not the references.

          • What about all the books that were at one time in libraries? Have they recycled them all into some useful object? If not, wouldn’t thos books still exist?

          • For fuck’s sake, he’s a religious scholar. They don’t have a single picture of a book /anywhere/ in his digital texts?

          • Headless Unicorn Guy

            Jenkins seems to have no clue whatsoever about the logistics of such large scale censorship or how hard it is to erase something from the Internet.

            Dude, “No clue whatsoever” describes MOST of Jenkins’ writing.

            And this guy’s charging $1200 a pop for a Christian Writer’s Correspondence Course as the CELEBRITY Christian Author of Left Behind?

      • Exactly. And I keep thinking of records. They’re not really used by anyone except collectors for the everyday playing of music, but go to any garage sale or Goodwill store (surely there must be Goodwill in Atheistopia, even if there isn’t Salvation Army), and you’ll see stacks and stacks. They were only used 30-odd years ago–that doesn’t make them into, “What could these strange objects BE?”

  8. But I guess I’m wrong, because Tick disappears from the book,

    But not from my heart, and I choose to believe that following this scene he goes home, dons a blue costume and devotes his life to vigilantism. “Secularist roughneck-punchers, you face the Tick! SPOOOOOON!

    • Actually, I see that I’m wrong about this, as I start into the next chapter. There is some mention of Tick. It will probably make you sad. 😦

      • Aw, man. Given the nature of this book, he probably ends up Put on a Bus to Hell, literally.

        I’m fond of Tick in the same way I was fond of friendly, stingy Rabbi Marc Feinberg in Trib Force. Jenkins’ one-scene wonder characters can often be rather likeable (far more so than his protagonists) — sure, they’re stereotypes right out of Central Casting, but it’s that very broadness that makes them seem familiar and not inhuman. It’s when Jenkins tries writing actual personalities that the fail begins.

  9. You know what really doesn’t make sense? The fact that Paul got a PhD in religious studies in the first place. I know they had him do this because he’s supposed to be the Apostle Paul, who spent years in religious studies.

    But the catch is this: Paul (the one in the Bible) spent years in study because he was a devout Jew. Paul was never a devout anything. His religious father died when he was a baby (and he didn’t discover his father’s letter to him until recently) and his mother was hostile to religion. So what could possibly have motivated him? Any hints in the book, Ruby?

    • Added thought: I know you don’t have to be devout or religious to be interested enough in religion to study it. But Paul Stepola doesn’t seem to have any curiosity or other scholarly qualities that would motivate him to pursue a PhD in anything, let alone in religion. So other than being like Left Behind, where Jenkins includes something because it’s a part of the checklist (Paul has to have a serious education in religion: check), why would he have done so?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      So what could possibly have motivated him? Any hints in the book, Ruby?

      The Plot Checklist Called For It. Just like all those character motivations in Left Behind. Only this time it’s the Book of Acts checklist instead of the End Time Prophecy checklist that has to be filled out. Check, Check, Check, Check, Check…

  10. I find it telling that Stepola starts by getting chummy and in with the white Christian roughneck, but he immediately goes to jackboot gun-to-the-head mode with the Mexican roughnecks.

  11. You read this with more dedication than I did, Rubytea; I thought Paul had managed to blunder into the first oil fire pillar rather than a new one erupting. Eh, my eyes were glazing over at the time.

    I was reading the sequel, Silenced, today, and what really stood out to me was how it suggested that only Christians take care of each other and the needy. The sheer arrogance of stating how without Christianity that all people will be totally selfish is astonishing. Oh, and t spells out exactly every parallel between the biblical Paul and Soon Paul, with characters thinking how amazing the parallels are. Unbelievable.

    • Fairly impressive, given how many examples we get in LB of Christians expressly not taking care of the needy…

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        Because in “Say-The-Magic-Words Salvation”, all that’s necessary to Be Saved is to Say The Magic Words and Really Really Mean It. That’s all. Once Saved, Always Saved, start polishing your halo.

    • ” it suggested that only Christians take care of each other and the needy. ”

      On top of the “yeah, Buck and Rayford care a whole lot about the needy” thing Firedrake pointed out, how is that supposed to sell, when we’ve already established that “Wintermas” involves collecting money for international humanitarian relief, just not through the Salvation Army? Is Jenkins even bothering to read what he’s written?

      …Does he even realize that making paper out of previously nonrecyclable plastic has any significance other than “failure to show a proper Godly disregard for the planet”?

      • You think THIS asymmetry is bad, how about this element from later in the book? Qrfcvgr gur snpg gung cerggl zhpu rirelbar rkprcg gur haqretebhaq Puevfgvnaf ner ng-yrnfg-cebsrffvat ngurvfgf, gurer ner npghnyyl n snve ahzore bs uvtu-tenqr ohfvarffzra va Arj Lbex jub hfr UBEBFPBCRF nf cneg bs gurve qrpvfvba-znxvat ebhgvar. V’z jryy naq gehyl jbaqrevat vs Wraxvaf zvfhaqrefgbbq “ngurvfg” nf whfg “abg Puevfgvna”–guhf znxvat Ngurvfgbcvn n zrer vairefr vzntr bs n Puevfgvna jbeyq.

      • (Huh…did it just not go through?)

        If you think this asymmetry is bad, wait until you get to later in the book in New York. Qrfcvgr gur snpg gung cerggl zhpu rirelbar rkprcg gur haqretebhaq Puevfgvnaf ner ng-yrnfg-cebsrffvat ngurvfgf, gurer ner npghnyyl n snve ahzore bs uvtu-tenqr ohfvarffzra va Arj Lbex jub hfr UBEBFPBCRF nf cneg bs gurve qrpvfvba-znxvat ebhgvar. V’z jryy naq gehyl jbaqrevat vs Wraxvaf zvfhaqrefgbbq “ngurvfg” nf whfg “abg Puevfgvna”–guhf znxvat Ngurvfgbcvn n zrer vairefr vzntr bs n Puevfgvna jbeyq.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      I was reading the sequel, Silenced, today…

      Wait. He’s already got a sequel out?

      Is this going to turn into 22 volumes of padding just like Left Behind?

      Oh, and it spells out exactly every parallel between the biblical Paul and Soon Paul, with characters thinking how amazing the parallels are. Unbelievable.

      Not Unbeleivable. This IS Conventional Christian SF, after all. Just like in Christian Apocalyptic, you have to lecture the reader (either directly through the fourth wall or “indirectly” through as-you-know idiot conversation) about how what just happened fulfills such-and-such prophecy or Bible verse. Because Christians (TM) are too dumb to understand it otherwise. (Talk about contempt for your audience…)

      • Actually, given that using one’s imagination and enjoying anything like escapism is Bad in this mindset, I think the constant reminders may be a deliberate attempt to distance the content from mere secular literature (that people might choose to read).

        • Headless Unicorn Guy

          I’ve been reading SF since “Old Testament” Star Trek first appeared. Got formally involved in litfandom at my first con in ’75. Been given guided tours of interesting tracts of imaginative landscape by the likes of Gordy Dickson, Poul Anderson, Beam Piper, and Cordwainer Smith as well as Messrs Tolkien and Lewis.

          When I encountered Official Christian (TM) attempts at F&SF (i.e. the consolation prize for not reading all that Heathen (TM) stuff), the thing that struck me was the utter lack of imagination. From Cordwainer Smith to the predecessors of Left Behind.

      • I think “Soon” was published back in 2004 or thereabouts. The entire trilogy has been published, although the ending for “Shadowed” suggests a relatively distant future recursion of the Atheistopia situation.

        • Yep, this be true facts.

        • Headless Unicorn Guy

          Problem with Atheistopia is it’s meant to be a Dystopia. Specifically, a Near-Future Persecution Dystopia (common stock setting of Christian (TM) attempts at SF).

          The problem is, a Dystopia is by definition a Bad Place, and Jenkins doesn’t write it AS a Bad Place. Except for its constant mad on against Born-Again Christians, EVERYTHING about it is a better place and society than our existing one. This only works in a Dystopia if it’s shown to be a shiny surface masking the REAL Bad Place — i.e. a Dystopia with Good PR (historical precedent: the USSR and its imitators) — and part of the story is the Unmasking of this Dystopia (cinematic precedent: the Red and Blue Pills in The Matrix). But Jenkins is too incompetent a hack to see this, and makes his Dystopia into a quasi-Utopia like Star Trek’s Federation.

  12. Choir of Shades

    @ruby In an unspecified MMO, there is a quest involving LP records simply called “[Music genre] LP.” I had never heard the term “LP” before, but I knew a record when I saw one, and I’m young enough that cassettes were all but extinct by middle school.

    @Inquisitive Raven, Given that in her screed about the failure of the government to suppress Wikileaks, Sarah Palin told the world via Twitter that she stopped the leaking of her book onto the internet with a lawsuit….No I really don’t think that anyone of that group understands how impossible it is to remove stuff from the internet.

    • I suspect that Sarah Palin stopped the leaking of her book onto the Internet by producing something that nobody able to use the Internet would want to read…

      • Choir of Shades

        As amusing as the suggestion is, the book was still leaked and available all over the internet. Some people read that kind of thing for train wreck value.

  13. OK, let me get this straight:

    1) The Bible is banned.

    2) The “Firemen” were so successful in destroying all books that nobody knows what those are anymore.

    Scene:

    The Atheistopian Gendarmerie raids a Christian hideout and vaporizes everybody with their Solar E-Z Bake Ray-Guns. They search the place and find a Bible on the pulpit.

    STEPOLA (flips through Bible): Look at this! It’s got words in it like a Kindle. But our EMP grenades didn’t affect it! Its firewall must be fully sapient, I can’t even get a return signal with my skullphone, much less hack it!

    DIRK (scans the Bible with a tricorder made from recycled Greatful Dead T-shirts, raises eyebrow): Fascinating. There is no detectable power source…no input-output devices…the circuitry is apparently so miniaturized that it is beneath the resolution limits of our sensors.

    STEPOLA: (looks at Bible with awe): This must be an alien artifact from some inconceivably advanced civilization!

    DIRK: Life, Paul, but not as we know it. At least now we have an explanation for the so-called ‘miracles’ that have been happening lately.

    STEPOLA: Of course! (big gesture) Now–all we have to do—is—find God’s power source—and blow it up!

    DIRK: Wait, don’t you have do that after you seduce a 25-year-old virgin in a tinfoil bikini who’s too dense to know why you’re groping her?

    STEPOLA: Oh yes! (big gesture) I’ll teach her—what we humans call—love

  14. Oops, let’s try again.

    KevinC: [grin]

  15. I’m a just facepalm at the LOL SO SUBTLE BIBLICAL ALLEGORY Jenkins thinks he’s doing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: