Soon: Chapter 33: De Plane Goes Down
IS THERE ANYTHING ATHEISTOPIA CAN’T DO???
Ranold explains to Paul the awesome way in which Atheistopia is awesome:
“Our guys were able to get a bead on the plane that littered L.A. Turns out it was unmanned, which we were able to determine through heat-sensitive reconnaissance. They asked permission to shoot it down, but by the time they had it in their sights, it had spent most of its cargo. Balaam told ’em to just follow it to its owner.”
Bia, you are so damn smart. Never stop being you, girlfriend.
“The thing led them to San Pedro Bay…a guy came out in a boat to get it. … I suspect we could have rounded up some compatriots too, but as soon as he noticed he was being followed, he stayed in the drink and made us come to him.”
Why did Barton run right to the plane??? He knew this might happen; why didn’t he wait to make sure the plane hadn’t been tracked, or just abandon it?
“Insolent kid. Cool manner, articulate. Smelled of fish.”
Okay, I laughed. Guess that’s what Barton gets for being the point man on Operation Stinky Dead Fish.
Also, you’d think Barton would have showered before the mission, because smelling of fish might be, oh, I dunno, A CLUE as to where he comes from and where other subversives might be found.
As we know, this whole mission was Lois’s brainchild. Now we know why–Barton clearly doesn’t have the sense that TurboJesus gave a goose.
Unsurprisingly, Paul reacts to this news in the most suspicious manner you can imagine: Ranold offers Paul the interrogation of Barton (given Paul’s religious training), and this is Paul’s response:
“…I’d better get over there before Balaam decides this guy is armed and dangerous and makes him kill himself.”
You’d think that summary executions would be the way of things in Atheistopia, but I guess not. And Ranold, once again, seems to truly believe the propaganda:
“The people who have been killed deserved it, Paul, starting with your friend Pass, and you know it. Chief Balaam almost single-handedly cut the legs off the subversive sects in Washington, som especially virulent ones responsible for major sabotage. Killing the cherry trees on the mall–destroying a national symbol and disrupting the city’s economy–that was as much an act of war as if they’d blown up the Statue of Liberty. It was out-and-out terrorism, and that’s the same fire we’ve been putting out here in L.A.”
Ranold’s right, as far as it goes. The cherry trees were a God-miracle, according to Jenkins, yet there was no reason for an Atheistopian to believe there wasn’t an earthly cause.
And once again, Paul is a frakking idiot, and does NOT behave like the double agent he is supposed to be:
“No one proved anyone killed the cherry trees, Ranold, remember?”
Way to keep the suspicion off you, Paul.
Of course, because Jerry Jenkins is running the show, Ranold, despite his DECADES in the NPO, is not allowed to come to the OBVIOUS CONCLUSION, that Paul is sympathetic to the Christians.
No, Ranold just thinks that Paul is jealous of Bia. Which Paul IS, but that’s not the hottest issue.
So Paul heads on over to “the armory,” where army guards have left poor, dumb Barton all tied up on the floor. The guards tell Paul that Barton “attacked” them, and frankly, I don’t see why I should doubt their word, but I think we are to assume they are lying, since that’s what Evil Atheists do.
Refreshingly, Barton’s initial suspicion is that Paul ratted him out. Which should be the automatic response of just about all Christians, since Paul is so new to the cause.
But all it takes is one denial from Paul for Barton to deduce that Paul is totes a Christian, fer reals, and for Barton to start calling Paul “sir.”
The best Paul can give Barton is to order him transferred from army custody to the NPO “downtown.” How Paul can order such a thing (over Bia’s head) is beyond me, but whatevs.
Then, THEN, Barton (the idiot) asks Paul to pray for him, and Paul does.
Thus proving Paul to be an even bigger idiot than Barton.
[Paul] put a hand on Barton’s shoulder and prayed God’s will would be done in his life. He thought of the juxtaposition of the prayer and the location and had to wonder what in the world anyone outside the door would think if they saw this.
I love how Paul assumes that the people outside the door aren’t watching his every move.
DAMN, that man is stupid.
And next time: Paul’s stupid and evil plan!