Soon: Chapter 33: Paul’s Big Plan(s)

Water is a very powerful thing.  Cultures as old as time have worshipped it.  It flows throughout all lands, connecting the entire world.  If anything has mystical properties, if anything has magic, it’s water.

-August W. Booth, Once Upon A Time

Remember that special plan Paul got, the one zapped directly into his brain (not unlike a Skull Phone call!) by God Himself?  Well, it’s time for him to reveal it to the others:

As a cover, Paul stopped to canvas a few of the sites on the task force list before making his way, circuitously, to Sapiens Fisheries.

Um, Paul?  You’re either being followed or you’re not.  If you’re not, there is no reason to be “circumspect.”  If you are, there is certainly no damn reason to go to Sapiens.

You idiot.

It was late afternoon by the time he arrived.  The group there held an immediate prayer meeting for Barton.

“It was such a risk,” Lois said, weeping.

This makes it sound like they learned of Barton’s capture just now, via Paul.  You’d think they would have had a clue at about 9 p.m. the previous night, when Barton never showed.  Man, but these people suck at being subversive.

“I have an idea how to stop the killings,” Paul said, “but we’ll need a hydrologist.”

Okaaaay.  Not sure how a hydrologist will stop anything, let alone army-sanctioned killings, but I’m sure all will become clear…

Happily, the underground knows a hydrologist who works for Water and Sewer.  Lois describes the woman, Grace Dean, as “a tough old bird,” which seems a very odd way for a seventy-something woman to refer to a forty-something woman, but whatever.  Lois convinces Grace to get over to the Fisheries RIGHT DAMN NOW, which Grace does.

Here it is, you guys.  The plan.  Get ready:

Paul cut to the chase.  “If I wanted to shut off the water to the whole city and bring Los Angeles and the army to its knees, how would I do that?”

That’s it, Paul?  Really?  That’s your plan?

That is just I don’t even.

Okay, first of all, there is nothing like causing suffering to millions in order to make your point, Paul.

I think there’s even a word for what you want to do, Paul.

And your father-in-law put it best:

“out-and-out terrorism”

And the really sad thing is that Paul doesn’t even want to do the terrorism himself.  He wants to pawn off all the work, and all the responsibility, onto poor Grace Dean.

Parenthetically, Jenkins always informs us of whether new male characters are tall and fit, and whether female characters are attractive.  Turns out that Grace Dean short and “stocky,” so it’s not like we have to care about her or anything.

Grace Dean also proves herself unfeminine by smacking down Paul’s dumb-ass plan: there’s just no way to halt the water supply for anything longer than “a one- or two-day nuisance.”

“Seems to me,” [Grace] said, “you’d be better off to have God do something.”

Ah, good plan.  As we all know, God answers all prayers.

Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

-Matthew 18:19

The ugly truth is revealed: No two underground Christians have ever prayed for freedom of religion to be restored!

It all makes sense now…

But Carl has other verses in mind…

Carl raised a hand.  “I make no apologies for being a man of the Word.”

I am trying to think of a way Carl could be more obnoxious about this, but I’m failing.

He leafed through a well-worn Bible.  “Listen to this from Isaiah fifty and verse two.  God is speaking.  He says, ‘Was I too weak to save you?  Is that why the house is silent and empty when I come home?  Is it because I have no power to rescue?  No, that is not the reason!  For I can speak to the sea and make it dry!  I can turn rivers into deserts covered with dying fish.'”

The dying fish can be piled at the entrance to out hideaway!  It’s what Barton would have wanted.

So, like I said, it’s time to ask God for some old-fashioned, two-fisted street justice!

Carl rattles off another bunch of verses, and the whole crew ends up lying flat on the floor, praying, and Paul is crying.  I figure it’s mostly because his stupid plan was shot down by a woman, but I guess the Mighty Power of God could also be a factor.

Paul haltingly and fearfully approached God aloud, asking for a miracle.  “God,” he said, “we’re asking that you shut the mouths of the atheists…”

OH SCREW YOU PAUL, YOU WERE AN ATHEIST A MATTER OF WEEKS AGO!

GORRAMIT

So, the last time Paul thought he had a directly-from-God plan, it kinda fizzled out.

But this time, FER REALS, he has a plan right from God.

“I want to get all the underground Christians to agree in prayer that God must do something in Los Angeles to stop this killing,” Paul said.  “I believe we are to be specific.  Let’s all pray that God will stop the flow of water to Los Angeles.”

“Okay, guys, so before, I had this awesome idea of terrorism that Grace could do.  But since Grace chickened out (sorry, Grace, no offence, chubs), let’s ask God to do the terrorism!”

Surely this master plan cannot possibly fail.

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Posted on February 20, 2012, in Books, Soon. Bookmark the permalink. 47 Comments.

  1. Ah, so they would prefer that TurboJesus do all the dirty work. Nice going, folks. Nothing like some old-fashioned smiting to convert people instead of. you know, letting all people everywhere know about the dude that got turned into silver.

  2. Wow, way to win hearts and minds there, Paul.

  3. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” — Matthew 18:19

    OK, so I agree with RubyTea that Paul’s was a stupid plan and that they should not proceed. And Lo! It came to pass that Paul’s plan was not put into action! For the Lord works in mysterious ways. *eyeroll*

    Now in all seriousness, Paul’s prayer is the sort I find most despicable. “God, I hate these people so I want you to smite them, m’kay? And never mind how many innocents suffer in the process, because we both know that they totally deserve it.” It’s selfish, it’s demanding, and it’s arrogant. It is the antithesis of Jesus’s “not my will but your will be done.” . . . why yes, this kind of thing is a pet peeve of mine; how’d you guess?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      “God, I hate these people so I want you to smite them, m’kay? And never mind how many innocents suffer in the process, because we both know that they totally deserve it.”

      Remember, this is the GCAAT who ghosted 16 of the 22 volumes of Left Behind. How does this differ from God’s Mighty Working in LB?

      And Like LB, this part of Soon is nothing other than Revenge Fantasy.

      • No, I know. But it still irritates the shit out of me. Especially when you come across it in Real Life and not just what Jenkins passes as fiction.

      • There probably isn’t a difference, but Jenkins here has no excuse. I think Jenkins likes and sought out the theology of LaHaye, which is a big revenge fantasy. But he could claim he’s only writing what the Bible says. It’s a bullshit claim of course, the Bible only says that after some very weird interpetations that he chose to use, but there’s enough people believing that claim that he can use it.

        In this book… nothing. This isn’t predicted. At no point does the Bible predict that a group of Christians will pray to have an entire city dehydrated and that this will somehow stop a well-supplied army from finding them. This he made up on his own. He can’t defend his revenge-fueled hackney plot by, essentially, saying that it’s god who wrote a revenge-fueld hackney plot in the Bible.

        • Headless Unicorn Guy

          At no point does the Bible predict that a group of Christians will pray to have an entire city dehydrated and that this will somehow stop a well-supplied army from finding them.

          Well, since Soon is supposed to be a retelling of the story of the Apostle Paul (at least that was the premise), there might be some analogy to one of the scenes in the Book of Acts.

          And let’s see about that title: SOON. Like all Christianese futures, it HAS to be Soon because Ye Ende Is Nighye and there IS NO such thing as a future.

        • I think Jenkins likes and sought out the theology of LaHaye, which is a big revenge fantasy.

          Yes, the absence of LaHaye’s guiding hand (and man, I never thought I’d write that phrase) is really glaring at this point. The Darbyist PMD framework that upholds Left Behind is ludicrous, repugnant and unbiblical, but at least it’s a framework — there’s something resembling a narrative inherent to it which can be formed into a story. On his own, Jenkins seems capable of little more than grasping random Bible passages and making plot points out of them. “Hmm … Isaiah says God can turn rivers into deserts. There’s my climax!” We should just be thankful he didn’t open to that Ezekiel passage about donkey emissions.

          (On a side note, I love how Carl cites a Bible passage in order to “prove” that their omnipotent God has the ability to control water. He created the whole freakin’ cosmos, we can assume he has drought powers without you cracking open the Monster Manual, thanks.)

          As for the Paul-as-Paul-of-Tarsus symbolism, I’m pretty sure Jerry has long since forgotten about it.

          • Headless Unicorn Guy

            We should just be thankful he didn’t open to that Ezekiel passage about donkey emissions.

            You mean the one about “cocks like horses and cum like donkeys” that someone over at Slacktivist wanted to do a “Bannerman” instead of the usual “John 3:16”? Ezekiel had by far the dirties mouth of any of the prophets, even if the Hebrew idioms don’t translate all that well into Kynge Jaymes Englyshe.

  4. When I first read these books (bile fascination), I was pretty unthrilled with most of it, but this part was the first time I was out and out disgusted and totally appalled. The God I believe in is so far from this and the Christian I am is so far from this it’s abhorrent to think that anybody who could come up with this plot and relate it to any system of belief (or non-belief) even exists in the same universe as I do.

    Spoiler alert: the later books get even worse.

  5. Uhhhh… isn’t a hydrologist a specialised sort of geologist who deals with water in the earth?

    That’s not what’s going on in LA. The vast majority of its water gets piped in from elsewhere. You don’t want a hydrologist to tell you which aquifers to empty with years-long engineering projects, you want someone with a satchel full of dynamite and access to the pumping stations.

    (Actually, in Atheistopia LA’s water probably comes from fusion-powered desalination plants. But the same principle applies.)

    Meanwhile, the Army has a logistics chain which is quite capable of trucking in water to the theatre of operations. So cutting off the water supply will hurt the RTCs, and the innocent bystanders, much more than it will hurt the Army.

    (Sure, all those other Christians might have prayed before. But they didn’t have MightWhiteyPaul to help!)

  6. Okay, impressive, this is worse than I thought. Paul’s idea was already awefull because:
    – It hurts everyone in the city
    – It proves these Christians are in fact a threat not only to the status quo but to the very lives of the people
    – It won’t stop the army because they can easily have water airlifted in
    – And what transport capacity is left can be used to provide water to the civilians, proving once again that the Atheisopian goverment is awesome and cares about the people.

    Then that plan gets shot down for an even worse one because:
    – It suggest God is free to take a hand into affairs at any time but chose not to
    – It implies that not one of the 200 victims thought to pray for help, or that God decided their prayers weren’t worth listening to.
    – Remembering that this is still based of Paul’s idea that came from God, it appears that God will answer prayers for miracles after he gave the faithfull the idea for asking for that miracle. Loophole much?
    – And worst of the worst: I could understand, if not condone, the act of water-terrorism before as an desparate attempt by a group being hunted down and slaughtered by a vastly superior enemy, trying to strike back however they can. (Though how much do you want to bet that most of the target audience of this book will completely miss that they’re essentially applauding a Christian Al Qaida here?) But now they’re getting God on their team. The almighty one. The biggest stick to end every other stick…. AND THEY STILL ASK FOR A TERRORIST ATTACK ON AN ENTIRE CITY!!!

    This is fucking God we’re talking about. He could hit Bia and all leaders and army personel who were willingly gunning down unarmed zealots with precision guided lighting bolts Or he could just prevent every weapon they have from firing. The zealots could walk up to them and replicate the scene from Metal Gear Solid 4 where Ocelot shuts down the weapons of the entire army surrounding him. It is probably too much to hope that they won’t want to replicate, in some way, the scene where Ocelot orders his troops to mow the army down while laughing like a maniac (though Jenkins would describe how sad TurboJesus looked as he threw his harmless enemies into eternal torture). But at least they’d hit the people actually killing them. And guess what? Such a display in the middle of the town would prove to the hordes of atheists who never even heard of religion before that God is real. You’d have massive converts.

    But they don’t want that, do they. No, they want revenge. Paul gets a protagonist pass (also a ‘Straight finds you usefull to our cause’ pass), but they don’t really hope their enemies convert. That means they’ll have to forgive them. If everyone converts, then who would TurboJesus get to smite? Then who will be Left Behind to form the 200 million men army that needs to be slaughtered to the last man?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      No, they want revenge. Paul gets a protagonist pass (also a ‘Straight finds you usefull to our cause’ pass), but they don’t really hope their enemies convert. That means they’ll have to forgive them. If everyone converts, then who would TurboJesus get to smite? Then who will be Left Behind to form the 200 million men army that needs to be slaughtered to the last man?

      Remember: Pre-Trib Rapture is the Ultimate Escape Fantasy followed by the Ultimate Revenge Fantasy. All with a Christianese coat of paint.

      And Revenge Fantasies have to have a target for that revenge. The Russians got knocked out of the Orc/Red Shirt box by the Second Russian Revolution and replaced by Teh Muslims. And China has wavered, but is back in the running for “the 200 million man army”. Them, you, me, all nothing more than Orcs, nothing more than pieces to move about on the End Time Prophecy gameboard.

      This excuse for a book is called “Soon”. Because Jenkins’ kind of Christian has NO future other than Twenty Minutes into The Future. “It’s All Gonna Burn (TM).”

  7. I guess the endgame Paul is picturing is one where he’s looking over a city of millions brought to a miserable standstill for lack of potable water, utilities and medical care and he’s thinking, “Yep, they’re sure to leave us alone now.”

    • Somehow I suddenly got the mental image of John Galt smirking superciliously as he surveys the ruined world outside of Galt’s Gulch.

      The selfish-asshole mental image isn’t all that different, I’d say.

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        Somehow I suddenly got the mental image of John Galt smirking superciliously as he surveys the ruined world outside of Galt’s Gulch.

        Remember American Christianese Political Weirdness — Ayn Rand is the Fourth Person of the Trinity to a LOT of Chrisitanese Activists these days.

        And isn’t Atlas Shrugged itself an Objectivst Apocalyptic Revenge Fantasy?

        • The main difference is that Ayn Rand excuses selfishness on the basis that it is inherently a right mode of behavior, while people like LaHaye and Jenkins have to excuse it through more roundabout methods – that RTCs looking out for only themselves or felllow travellers (and manifestly not sinners who haven’t converted) are acting in a Godly mode and so any bad behavior is excused on that basis.

  8. Headless Unicorn Guy

    Remember that special plan Paul got, the one zapped directly into his brain (not unlike a Skull Phone call!) by God Himself?

    How does he know it’s God and not some Crank Yanker hacking his skullphone?

    Happily, the underground knows a hydrologist who works for Water and Sewer. Lois describes the woman, Grace Dean, as “a tough old bird,” which seems a very odd way for a seventy-something woman to refer to a forty-something woman, but whatever.

    “GRACE Dean”. Given Jenkins’ talent for See-How-Clever-I-Am Allegorical Naming, I’ll hazard a guess that she’s a Good Guy. Though DEAN sounds too Romish in its historical Christian context.

    Oh, and it’s NOT “Water and Sewer”. Los Angeles City is “Department of Water and POWER.” And most of the cities that grew into LA have their own similar departments like “Anaheim Utilities”. I know Jenkins is out-to-sea once he gets outside of Chicago, but still…

    • Sure, it’s “Water and Power” now, but it could change to “Water and Sewer” in the interim. I’m not sure why it would, and it’s far more likely that Jenkins just had a research fail, but it could happen. A reshuffling of some city departments is a lot more plausible than if he’d had a mountain a few thousand miles away from where it’s supposed to be, or something.

  9. Um, wait a sec… The plan that zaps into Paul’s skull SO completely formed that it MUST have come from above, consisted of:

    1) Figure out how to shut down water flowing into LA
    2) Shut down water flowing into LA
    3) Profit! I mean… converts!

    Seriously? THAT’s the oh-so-complete and powerful plan?

    Not, for instance, a detailed knowledge of HOW to accomplish this? Because if I was supposed to believe a plan was so far beyond me it couldn’t possibly have come from myself, I’d think it needed to contain information I couldn’t have already known. If, for example, I’d woken up this morning knowing how to sneak into the power company, access the computers, and turn off the system that controls the aquifers into the city – yeah, I’d think aliens or deities were involved. Assuming the knowledge turned out to be accurate – if not, then drugs or mental illness is involved. And I’m not likely to know which, ever, unless it’s mental illness, because that’s the ONLY THING that could EVER cause me to think shutting down LA’s water is a good thing!

    Seriously, how many innocent children go thirsty? How many injuries become infected because there’s no clean water to wash them out? Rich folks just go buy some bottled water, at least to start with, or even tap the water in the pool, but poor folks will suffer or even (depending on the heat) die. Unless of course Atheistopia is awesome enough to truck it in for them.

    And why should people think this has anything to do with God? It’ll be just another terrorist attack, hardening their hearts against religion. (Of course, it’s not like God ever hardened the Pharoah’s heart just to have an excuse to torture Egyptians.)

    How about asking for something that might actually cause people to reconsider? You know what would be a cool, awesome, CHRISTIAN miracle? Ask for every person in an LA hospital (or a particular hospital) to be healed. Ask for all the blind people in LA to be cured. Ask for every amputee in LA to wake up (next time they slept) with their limbs restored. Now THOSE miracles would cause people to think there was some magic involved!

    • Ah yes, forgot to underly that one: Apart from the fact that this plan involves massive cruelty to people uninvolved in the attacks on the zealots, they’re going to get a miracle that will look like sabotage, a natural disaster, or a combination therof (I don’t know yet how God is going to accomplish this feat). Because God is willing to enact huge miracle that afflict millions to protect his faithfull, just not in such a way that proves those faithfull are actually right and there is no more need for anyone to attack the faithfull because they all are.

      Again, see “TurboJesus needs victims”

  10. If I needed any more proof that they thought prayer to God was basically casting a magic spell, this is it. Not only do they completely trust their deity to obey their petty little plan (when he hasn’t done anything of the sort to protect them on his own), but it’s important that they get /enough/ people praying in order to put power behind it.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      We talking Apostle-spelled-sideways Paul here or Aliester Crowley?

      I believe the classic definition of religion and magic is that in magic(k) the spellcaster is the one in control/calling the shots, not the supernatural being or force.

  11. “I have an idea how to stop the killings,” Paul said… “We lie low for a while. Then we knock off the stupid stunts like dropping leaflets and changing billboards, and instead we help the homeless and the poor and anyone else marginalized by society!”

    Ha ha. Just kidding. Comfort the afflicted? What kind of Christians do you think we are?

    “If I wanted to shut off the water to the whole city and bring Los Angeles and the army to its knees, how would I do that?”
    As others have pointed out, those are two wholly unrelated goals there, Stepola! Technically, it’s two semi-related goals (shut off water, bring “the city” to its knees) tangentally related to a third. (defeat the army)

    “Seems to me,” [Grace] said, “you’d be better off to have God do something.”
    I know the author (probably) didn’t intend it, but it sounds like Grace is directly addressing Paul in a conversational, casual tone, rather than using hyperbole. As in “I can’t do it, but hey, you ask God, because you two are so tight right now, Mr. Recently-Converted-From-Atheism-Agent-of-the-Man-Adulterer”

    Paul haltingly and fearfully approached God aloud, asking for a miracle.
    Again, the writing is so accidentally casual, like Paul is walking down a hall into his boss’ office wanting a raise.
    “Uh, God? Paul here! I know I’m the new guy on the team, but I was just wondering… could you whomp up a miracle here for us? I’m thinking something really specific, like the ‘turning-that-one-guy-into-silver’ thing, but a little bigger, like the ‘killing cherry trees’ thing, only actually useful. Not that those other things weren’t really really cool, but you know, something that could, you know, hurt or kill people I don’t like and who don’t agree with me. I swear everyone else on the team is ready to sign off on it. Do you need a formal memo, or is this good?”

    • We lie low for a while. Then we knock off the stupid stunts like dropping leaflets and changing billboards, and instead we help the homeless and the poor and anyone else marginalized by society!

      Grace: You forget, Paul, the atheists have already cured homelessness.

      Paul: …Damn. I mean, um, darn. Okay, how about cancer patients?

      Grace: Cured.

      Paul: Sad and desperate homosexuals who need to learn of the love of Christ to give up their sinful ways?

      Grace: Granted full civil rights thirty years ago.

      Paul: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD???

      • Paul: Uh, how about people allergic to pet dander?

        Grace: All breeds have been genetically altered to be hypoallergenic for at least twenty years now, Paul. Get with the times!

        • It’s kind of funny how Jenkins has written a world so perfect he has to purposely implausibly fuck with its geography and even more implausibly invent a reason for Christians to be omgpersecuted.

          • Headless Unicorn Guy

            Like I’ve said many times before, Jenkins is a bit unclear on the concept of “Dystopia”.

            The only thing Bad(TM) I see about Atheistopia is it’s Those Heathen on top persecuting everyone else instead of The Born-Again Bible-Believing Evangelical Christians Taking Back America and Building A Christian (TM) Nation.

      • Paul: What about war vicitims?

        Grace: Global peace.

        Paul: Unwed mothers?

        Grace: Contraception.

        Paul: Asthmatics suffering in poor-quality air?

        Grace: Electric cars.

        Paul: The visually impaired?

        Grace: Laser Eye Surgery.

        Paul: Traffic jams?

        Grace: Rapid transit.

        Paul: Losing your address book?!

        Grace: Skull phones.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      “I can’t do it, but hey, you ask God, because you two are so tight right now, Mr. Recently-Converted-From-Atheism-Agent-of-the-Man-Adulterer”

      Or should that be “Mr Apostle Paul II/Author-and-Reader Self Insert”?

      Again, the writing is so accidentally casual, like Paul is walking down a hall into his boss’ office wanting a raise.

      Don’t know if I’d hold that one against Jenkins, Rodeo.

      Among Evangelicals, a lot of them are encouraged to be casual and “natural” in their prayers, based on the image of prayer as a “Conversation with God.”

  12. My guess is that Jenkins is trying to somehow evoke the Goths bringing Rome to its knees by destroying its aqueducts.

    Running on a suspicion that Jenkins is trying to essentially make Los Angeles into Rome, I looked to see if anyone had made any comparisons between Rome and LA.The answer: yes. LA’s water system was actually inspired by Rome’s water system, according to HowStuffWorks: http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/green-science/la-ancient-rome.htm

  13. I’m seriously confused as to how this is supposed to work. God can hear everyone’s prayers, right? Shouldn’t he be able to hear one person asking as easily as dozens/hundreds? And an omniscient being should know if the plan is any good, regardless of how many people are talking about it. Or is the idea that everyone praying at once can somehow force God’s hand? (That would be the impression I got if I came into this knowing nothing about the religion, but I’d be really surprised if it’s what Jenkins actually believes.)

    • Or is the idea that everyone praying at once can somehow force God’s hand?

      Well, I never heard anyone put it that way, but the churches I’ve been in always have a time put aside to take prayer requests – folks stand up in church and announce their problems (my son is straying off the path, my sister is sick, the company is considering layoffs) followed immediately by silent prayer.

      As a kid, I never understood why that was supposed to be more effective. Looking back, it gave the complainers a specific time when they were supposed to bring up their complaints, but it (more positively) gave those who otherwise might have suffered in silence a prompt to bring up problems that maybe someone else in the church could help them solve.

      The majority of the prayer requests were for people who were sick. I don’t recall anyone ever reporting a sudden, miraculous recovery after being prayed for, but maybe it prompted some church members to go visit?

  14. Oh thank god, Ruby. It thought I was the only one watching Once upon a time. Btw, if your not watching it you should be. It’s a fun show.

    To be fair to Paul, the smelly fish people have been hacking billboards for, what, weeks? months? Yet they don’t have much to show for it. City has not opened its arms, the mayor has not given them the keys. Clearly, force (ok, punishment) is the only way to go.

    Stories where some guy (its always a guy) show up and offer more or less nothing, yet get all the credit really bug me. Really, what has Paul done for these people? He should have inside knowledge or at least tactical skills that can help them. But no, he does nothing of the sort for them. God just really likes Paul more than everyone else so He gives him the idea of depriving millions of water, even though anyone in the group could have gotten the same idea*.

    *unless of course Paul is the only one whose a big enough jerk to accept the plan. I can imagine other members just rejecting it outright like a bad dream.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      Stories where some guy (its always a guy) show up and offer more or less nothing, yet get all the credit really bug me.

      It’s the classic sign of a Mary Sue/Gary Stu/Wesley Crusher/Eragon.

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