Soon: Chapter 33: Paul’s Big Plan(s)
Water is a very powerful thing. Cultures as old as time have worshipped it. It flows throughout all lands, connecting the entire world. If anything has mystical properties, if anything has magic, it’s water.
-August W. Booth, Once Upon A Time
Remember that special plan Paul got, the one zapped directly into his brain (not unlike a Skull Phone call!) by God Himself? Well, it’s time for him to reveal it to the others:
As a cover, Paul stopped to canvas a few of the sites on the task force list before making his way, circuitously, to Sapiens Fisheries.
Um, Paul? You’re either being followed or you’re not. If you’re not, there is no reason to be “circumspect.” If you are, there is certainly no damn reason to go to Sapiens.
It was late afternoon by the time he arrived. The group there held an immediate prayer meeting for Barton.
“It was such a risk,” Lois said, weeping.
This makes it sound like they learned of Barton’s capture just now, via Paul. You’d think they would have had a clue at about 9 p.m. the previous night, when Barton never showed. Man, but these people suck at being subversive.
“I have an idea how to stop the killings,” Paul said, “but we’ll need a hydrologist.”
Okaaaay. Not sure how a hydrologist will stop anything, let alone army-sanctioned killings, but I’m sure all will become clear…
Happily, the underground knows a hydrologist who works for Water and Sewer. Lois describes the woman, Grace Dean, as “a tough old bird,” which seems a very odd way for a seventy-something woman to refer to a forty-something woman, but whatever. Lois convinces Grace to get over to the Fisheries RIGHT DAMN NOW, which Grace does.
Here it is, you guys. The plan. Get ready:
Paul cut to the chase. “If I wanted to shut off the water to the whole city and bring Los Angeles and the army to its knees, how would I do that?”
That’s it, Paul? Really? That’s your plan?
That is just I don’t even.
Okay, first of all, there is nothing like causing suffering to millions in order to make your point, Paul.
I think there’s even a word for what you want to do, Paul.
And your father-in-law put it best:
And the really sad thing is that Paul doesn’t even want to do the terrorism himself. He wants to pawn off all the work, and all the responsibility, onto poor Grace Dean.
Parenthetically, Jenkins always informs us of whether new male characters are tall and fit, and whether female characters are attractive. Turns out that Grace Dean short and “stocky,” so it’s not like we have to care about her or anything.
Grace Dean also proves herself unfeminine by smacking down Paul’s dumb-ass plan: there’s just no way to halt the water supply for anything longer than “a one- or two-day nuisance.”
“Seems to me,” [Grace] said, “you’d be better off to have God do something.”
Ah, good plan. As we all know, God answers all prayers.
Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
The ugly truth is revealed: No two underground Christians have ever prayed for freedom of religion to be restored!
It all makes sense now…
But Carl has other verses in mind…
Carl raised a hand. “I make no apologies for being a man of the Word.”
I am trying to think of a way Carl could be more obnoxious about this, but I’m failing.
He leafed through a well-worn Bible. “Listen to this from Isaiah fifty and verse two. God is speaking. He says, ‘Was I too weak to save you? Is that why the house is silent and empty when I come home? Is it because I have no power to rescue? No, that is not the reason! For I can speak to the sea and make it dry! I can turn rivers into deserts covered with dying fish.'”
The dying fish can be piled at the entrance to out hideaway! It’s what Barton would have wanted.
So, like I said, it’s time to ask God for some old-fashioned, two-fisted street justice!
Carl rattles off another bunch of verses, and the whole crew ends up lying flat on the floor, praying, and Paul is crying. I figure it’s mostly because his stupid plan was shot down by a woman, but I guess the Mighty Power of God could also be a factor.
Paul haltingly and fearfully approached God aloud, asking for a miracle. “God,” he said, “we’re asking that you shut the mouths of the atheists…”
OH SCREW YOU PAUL, YOU WERE AN ATHEIST A MATTER OF WEEKS AGO!
So, the last time Paul thought he had a directly-from-God plan, it kinda fizzled out.
But this time, FER REALS, he has a plan right from God.
“I want to get all the underground Christians to agree in prayer that God must do something in Los Angeles to stop this killing,” Paul said. “I believe we are to be specific. Let’s all pray that God will stop the flow of water to Los Angeles.”
“Okay, guys, so before, I had this awesome idea of terrorism that Grace could do. But since Grace chickened out (sorry, Grace, no offence, chubs), let’s ask God to do the terrorism!”
Surely this master plan cannot possibly fail.