TSoA: Chapter 10: Because I Say So
Sorry for the longish break, everyone. Things have been busy of late.
Not to worry, though: the plot isn’t going anywhere.
It’s time for another Michael Murphy lecture about Noah’s ark! (When is he going to get around to teaching his actual course?)
The amphitheater was filled and all eyes were on him. There were nearly one hundred fifty students in his controversial class on biblical archaeology.
Yeah, it’s quite controversial, because he just spouts off on his latest pet project every week, instead of teaching what he is being paid to teach. C’mon, Evil Dean Fallworth, where are you when we need you???
This week, in his lame lecture about his ark project, Murphy is going to talk about some slightly more modern people who claimed to have seen the ark.
There was an audible buzz of anticipation as Murphy flipped on the first PowerPoint slide.
Sure there was. It’s Monday morning at a party school. There wouldn’t be an audible buzz of anticipation even if the lecture topic was “Ten Foolproof Ways to Get Laid Tonight.”
First up, George Hagopian fer reals saw the ark when he was a kid.
He didn’t bring back a piece of it, because it was made of special God Wood and couldn’t be broken.
He couldn’t tell anyone where it was, because he wasn’t good with maps.
When I was a kid, I was abducted by aliens.
I was spending the summer with my grandparents, and aliens abducted us one night.
I couldn’t bring back anything from the alien craft, because it was made of special Alien Technology and was impervious to taking.
I’d show you the ship, but it went back to its planet.
What? You don’t believe me just because I have no evidence whatsoever? Are you calling me a LIAR?
Next, a couple of Turkish soldiers claimed to have seen the ark in 1916. Like Hagopian, they kept this little tidbit of information to themselves for decades.
Oh, and in my Google Adventures, I found this awesome chart, which is much better than any of Murphy’s PowerPoint slides.
Next, more soldiers. Russian, this time. This story seems like it just might have legs, because a whole expedition was sent, and there were measurements and fracking PHOTOGRAPHS, and it all seems very cool until you learn that all of that data “disappeared” and has never resurfaced because hey, Russian Revolution.
By the way, Murphy quotes part of the Russian soldiers’ tale in which it is stated that “at the door-hole at the side of the ship…the wood was porous and it broke easily.”
Man, if only George Hagopian had found this easily-breakable, apparently not-God Wood part of the ark, eh?
Finally, the tale of Ed Davis, who claimed to have seen the ark in 1943 while working for the Army Corps of Engineers. Davis’s driver takes him to his village at the base of Mount Ararat, where there is a cave where people have stored ark artifacts in order to “protect” them:
That night, they show me the artifacts. Oil lamps, clay vats, old-style tools, things like that.
Well, I’m convinced! After all, old-style tools could never come from anyplace except Noah’s ark, and most certainly would never be shown to some gullible American.
(And no, just in case you’re wondering, Davis didn’t get to bring back any of this old shit so that he could prove his claims.)
Davis and his driver’s family trek onto Mount Ararat for well over a week (I guess Davis declared himself on vacation from his supply-route building duties) and finally they get to see the ark. No, Davis didn’t think to bring a camera. No, he didn’t bring back any pieces of the ark or any other artifacts, even though the ark was “broken into three or four big pieces.” (Remember this last part for later in the book!)
So, that’s it. Anyone sold on any of these accounts?
Lest his students are not, Murphy gives them an assignment:
“I want you to do a study and see what you can find in history about Noah and the Flood.”
Then he quotes the Bible at them and concludes in his own words:
“Noah’s Ark is a testimony that God will not let wickedness run unrestrained forever.”
Yeah, I can’t imagine that anyone, especially the dean of the department, would ever have a problem with Murphy saying stuff like that in class.
WHERE ARE YOU, EVIL DEAN ARCHER FALLWORTH???