TSoA: Chapter 13: The First Noah Chapter

Just as in Babylon Rising, The Secret on Ararat contains multiple chapters written all in italics, as we venture back to the time of whatever archeological treasure Michael Murphy is pursuing. These chapters assure us that Murphy is completely right in every hypothesis, lest we doubt his all-knowingness.

This first Noah chapter takes place pre-ark, as we learn that Noah was quite the bad-ass soldier in his day. Sure, he’s several centuries old, but that doesn’t mean he can’t command a bitchin’ army against some dude named Zattu. Zattu and his army are trying to invade…wherever Noah and his family are living now. And because it just wouldn’t do for Noah to be Just Some Soldier, he is in charge of everyone, especially his sons (Ham, Shem, and Japheth), who are basically his lieutenants. They pour scalding water onto the invaders from atop the walls of The City, and Zattu and his men retreat.

(Now, damned if I can find anything about Noah being some tough-as-nails warrior in the Bible. Not seeing anything on his Wiki page, either. So, is LaHaye just blowing smoke here, or is there something I’m not seeing?)

Anyway, Noah finds his wife, Naamah, who is the sister of Tubal-cain, who is the “only hope” for Noah and his city.

Turns out this is no joke, because as supplies are running low and they’re getting ready to arm the children against Zattu’s next attack, Tubal-cain and his army arrive Just in the Nick of Time, kicking ass and taking names with “singing swords” which apparently cannot break.


This all takes waaaaay too long and I’m getting bored, so the upshot is that Zattu’s ass is kicked again, and Tubal-cain convinces Noah to Bravely Run Away to the forest of Azer.

Now, Noah and Tubal-cain don’t know this, but all those trees will certainly come in handy when Noah needs to build a Big Giant Boat.

Blah blah blah God talks to Noah and tells him to build his big boat WE ALREADY KNOW THIS PART

God also tells Noah that everyone but his family will be killed in a flood, and despite this, Noah seems quite blasé about Tubal-cain just wishing him well and then riding off into the sunset. I guess it’s okay that Tubal-cain will horribly drown, because he gives Noah a Singing Sword and a box of stuff that will help him build the ark.

So long, Tubal-cain. You were enjoyed. Sorry about the whole drowning thing.


Posted on September 3, 2012, in Babylon Rising, Books, The Secret on Ararat. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Oh, yeah, we’re all in favour of peace, but that’s the good sort of peace, when all the bad guys are burning in hell forever. And we know that all Real Men are soldiers….

  2. There’s nothing in the Bible about Noah being any sort of soldier – just that he was good. The exact sentence is: Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God. No mention of any soldier-ish backstory. I was never informed about this backstory when I was an RTC, either. Sounds like fan-fic to me.

  3. Well Jebus, that’s just an RTC writer looking at what he does and likes. And then deciding that since he’s obviously a righteous, pious man himself, those righteous, pious men in the Bible must have been exactly like that. And then brags about how he lives his life according to the Bible after ‘literally’ interpeting it.

    Hence why the righteous man is a bad-ass soldier. And why he doesn’t give a crap about any of his friends if god tells him they’ve got to die in the spectacular lethal miracle du jour.

    Though for us normal people it does indeed strike us as odd that god decides the entire human race except Noah isn’t worth saving, right after showing a friend of Noah risking his life to help him with his cause (so you know it must have been a good cause). But yeah, faith, not works, blablabla.

  4. Interestingly, Naamah IS given as the name of Noah’s (second) wife…at least in some extra-biblical traditions. In the Bible proper, though, she’s “just” a daughter of Lamech. Given LaHaye’s attempts at staying ONLY to the KJV-recognized Biblical elements, this is a bit surprising, though.

    And here I was worried that the ACTUAL original source of this name, presumably unknown to LaHaye, was only as one of Samael’s consorts…

  5. Noah was the original Jenkins hero — taking credit for kickin’ ass, and taking what you can from the godless heathens and then let God smite ’em!

    Incidentally, by making Naamah Noah’s wife, Jenkins also made Noah’s father-in-law the first polygamist mentioned in the Bible. 😀 *is amused*

    Aww, no “Three Amigos” reference? Granted, that singing sword was limited to only public domain songs but still. This is why these books can’t be nice things: they take a couple obscure references, like Lamech’s Song of the Sword and a Jewish tradition linking Naamah to singing, and get this crap.

  6. So with his building of the ark, that makes Noah a sort of Levantine Joshua Jordan? Did they call him up in front of the tribal council and demand he hand over the plans for the ark?

    Turning Noah into a soldier is disturbing. Does LeHaye have any ties to “Joel’s Army” movements? (The Birchers, AFAIK, aren’t Joel’s Army/Latter Rain types.) I’m leaning towards “no” because LeHaye is a premillenial dispensationalist, and the Army types are postmillenials, but, still….

    “Singing swords” sounds kind of cool, though.

    Interestingly, Tubal-Cain is a descendent of Cain. Of course he’s going to be eliminated in the flood

    • I immediately LOLed. Who’s the Abby-counterpart who love-bombs her son into compliance with her plans? And the daughter who knows her soldiering? 😛

      • Don’t ask about Noah’s secret mission against the Cimmerians. He disobeyed orders and got some kid’s family killed. (But that’s okay, the kid survived. *shifty eyes*)

        Life aboard the ark must have been pretty rough. I can definitely see Naamah lovebombing Ham, for whom it doesn’t quite take and he ends up mocking his dad, and getting cursed for his lack of respect for the patriarch.

        Hmm… anyone else read ‘Zattu’ and get flashbacks to Highlander 2, The-Movie-That-Never-Was?

        • The take I like to use (even if it won’t cohere to well to the The End series) is that Cham was actually a severe PERFECTIONIST, and didn’t so much mock Noah as angrily speak disgust over his abandonment of dignity…and didn’t stick around the winery tent long enough to make sure CANAAN wouldn’t try to mock Noah. At some point, Cham went so far as to force the demons Gaap and Beleth to take part in fixing the world. “You had a role in making the Deluge necessary, so you’re going to help fix it back up.” (Yes, really; the Lesser Key of Solomon, in discussing one of Gaap or Beleth, says that Cham, not Solomon, was the first conjuror.)

          • Interesting! I didn’t know that, thanks for that information. Not that I’ve really read a lot of the Lesser Key, but it’s an interesting look at it.

  7. Gall. The idea of trying to show the “real” story of Noah could be interesting. For some reason, when the heading said “Noah chapter” I had an image of an old man kneeling on top of the ark breaking to tears while the world around him is destroyed. Distraught at seeing hundreds of dead bodies come floating by the boat. Watching as everything and everyone you know (outside your own family) and all that you’ve ever known is destroyed. Survivors guilt motivating the planting of a vineyard? Alcohol to help cope with loneliness?

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