Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Okay, okay, I admit it: this is not exactly like my usual posting topics.

But seriously, you guys, has there ever been a more awesome idea for a movie EVER?

It’s like a glorious mixture of fairy tales and steampunk and ass-kickery and Jeremy Renner.

Oh, wonderous movie, how shall I ever stand the wait until January?


Posted on September 4, 2012, in Movies. Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. There’s a comic out there called Pinoccio, Vampire Hunter. See, by breaking off his nose and telling lies to restore it, he’s got an unlimited supply of stakes.

    I’ve also seen the idea of Red Riding Hood as a wolf-hunter-and/or-werewolf a couple of times.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      Don’t forget Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter which probably started this fad.

      • Sort of? It was the author of ALVH, Seth Grahame-Smith, seems to have really kicked off the trend. He first wrote “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (which was a pretty fun read), which was followed by someone else writing a prequel (which was “ehhh”) and a new someone else writing “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters” (which was also “ehhh.”)

        And then came the onslaught: “Jane Slayer”, “Android Karenina, “Little Vampire Women,” “Alice in Zomieland”, “Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter” and “Werewolf of the Baskervilles.”

        I’ve only read the Quick Peeks of these books but most seem to shoehorn the supernatural elements into the original text and the result is about as clunky as you would expect.

        • My own idea for this kind of pastiche was incorporating lightning-breathing dragons into Moby-Dick. No, not as in they’re hunting pelagic dragons. As in they RIDE the sea-drakes in the process of hunting whales (the sea-drakes themselves are “only” a little larger than horses). Basically, the sea-drakes (intellect level somewhere around bears’) naturally hunt seals and dolphins close to shore (the stun from their lightning breath–or as the humans of the time call it at times, their skyfire–helps deal with dolphin quickness), but it takes humans and drakes together to catch the likes of sperm whales. The whaleships act sort of like aircraft carriers in this regard. Although there’s the matter of just how much whaling, both the old, more occasional/sporadic Wampanoag whaling and the more-familiar-to-us industrial whaling of Nantucket’s heyday, would have been different if humans had access to something instinctively attuned to regarding large sea mammals as prey (I’m not convinced it would be THAT much like when humans and wolves entered into symbiosis to take down gazelles et al. more easily).

          Of course, given that there isn’t much in the way of the spiritual or magical (whether theurgic, demonic, or self-wrought) about this premise–these drakes aren’t meant to be metaphors for the Devil–I don’t think it would have hit the same targets.

    • inquisitiveraven

      I suspect that Tanith Lee did Red Riding Hood as a werewolf first. At any rate, I remember reading such a story in her collection Red as Blood: Tales from the Sisters Grimmer. The title story features Snow White as a vampire.

      • Neil Gaiman did the vampiric Snow White a decade and a half later for Smoke and Mirrors.

        I hadn’t heard of the collection you mentioned. I’m going to have to track that down.

    • I shall be reading this one!

      My hope is that this movie will have a similar tone to the Once Upon a Time series, which I just love. I sadly must confess that I haven’t seen Van Helsing in its entirety. In fact, of the crop of “new and gritty” takes on fairy tales, my favorite would have to be Snow White: A Tale of Terror.


  2. BWAHAHA. Oh man, I thought Snowwhite and the huntsman marked the death of grim and gritty reboots, but this looks awesomely cheesy. Yeah, I think I’ll be watching this one.

  3. This could be gloriously bad. Or just bad. But I certainly plan to find out which…

  4. I can’t watch the video at work, but I looked the film up on Wikipedia and Peter Stormare is awesome and Gemma Arterton is hot, so I’m on board for this.

    On the concept, co-producer Adam McKay says, “We heard it and we were just like, ‘That’s a freakin’ franchise! You could make three of those!'” I firmly believe that if everyone who speaks these words were staked, beheaded and their mouth stuffed with holy wafers, Hollywood would be a better place.

  5. Heroes walking away from ‘splosion without looking back? Check!
    Random multi-barrel rotary projectile weapon? Check!
    Boomsticks? Check!

    I’m normally blase about action movies, as much about ‘reimagining fairy tales’ — after hearing some negative stuff about Snow White and the Huntsman, even though it had Thor as the titular huntsman I declined to go see it — but this looks like it may actually be fun, or bad fun, or fun bad. (Probably not badwrongfun.) Maybe it can do van Helsing one better!

    • IMHO, if you like Chris Hemsworth, Snow White and the Huntsman is worth watching–he’s what made the movie watchable. The guy is completely believable as an ass-kicker, and he can frakking act. (One of the many reasons I will be watching Hansel and Gretel–Jeremy Renner has the same qualities.)

      I tended to agree with the Spoony One’s review, including his opinions that he felt made him sound piggish. 😉


    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      Heroes walking away from ‘splosion without looking back? Check!
      Random multi-barrel rotary projectile weapon? Check!
      Boomsticks? Check!

      Hansel & Gretel meet Van Helsing?

      (Van Helsing was surprisingly good, harkening back to classic Pulp Adventure. And any success breeds a horde of imitators and knockoffs…)

  6. Headless Unicorn Guy

    In bad Christianese movies, my writing partner (the burned-out preacher-man) finally tracked down the “Christian Torture Porn” movie which has haunted his memories since he saw fragments of on a local Christianese TV channel years ago. (The one I asked around on this blog a year or two ago to see if anyone could identify it.)

    It’s called M 10:28 — A Truthful Story and would make a great candidate for Ruby to take apart. “Just like Hellraiser, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!”

    My writing partner described it as “Salem Kirban’s 666 Bad”, i.e. worse than “Eye of Argon”, and that watching it could be literally harmful to you. He’s the one-star review (“Torture Porn for Christian”) on the Amazon page and would like everyone to click “Was this Review Helpful: Yes” on it so his one-star goes to the top (instead of the Christianese four- and five-stars which have to be read to believed) and warns everyone away.

    • “Just like Hellraiser, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!”

      My writing partner described it as… worse than “Eye of Argon”


      I don’t know which is the worst and most damning of these two.

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        Neither. The “worst and most damning” of all are —

        The four- and five-star reviews in fluent Christianese that you see beside my writing partner’s one-star. (And he gave it a one-star because the review software doesn’t allow a zero-star.)

    • It’s not a true story, it’s better than that, it’s truthful!

      Years ago I remember renting the David Heavener sci-fi cheapie Outlaw Prophet only to find that not only was it a Christian film, it was also hilariously awful. The main character is a space robot or alien or something who comes to Earth as part of a Running Man-type intergalactic TV show produced by Satan, and then he stumbles across a Tennessee church picnic and learns about Jesus, and then they destroy Satan using AM radio and also his laser pistol is an electric shaver. Oh man, now that I’m remembering this — Ruby, you’ve just gotta see this one if you can.

      • a Running Man-type intergalactic TV show produced by Satan

        I’m uncomfortably reminded of Soon’s napalm barrels and when I read this the only thing that went through my head is, “This is what ‘they’ want to do to ‘us.'”

        This is not shaping up to be a good day.

    • Wait…”Christian Torture Porn” wasn’t “Passion of the Christ?”

      I never understood how my college roommate who never watched anything over PG could sit through that movie.

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