TSoA: Chapter 18: More Time with Noah!

On the heels of Murphy convincing his old pal with the pregnant wife that it will be TOTES SAFE to fly a helicopter over Mt. Ararat, we check in six-to-ten-thousand-years ago with Noah and his family.

Last we saw them, they were fleeing like startled deer to the forest of Azer.

Soon Noah and his sons began the process of cutting timber and erecting shelters.  The women were busy with catching fish from the lake and preparing meals, as well as tending the horses, camels, sheep, goats, and cows that munched contentedly on the gentle grassy slopes.

Yeah, and I bet the women also had pillow fights and knitted potholders, while the menfolk took turns punching each other and watching football.

It was a different time.

Noah finally gets around to opening the swag he got from Tubal-cain.  And even though Tubal-cain is a dirty sinner who will die a horrible drowning death (as he deserves), he has given Noah surveying instruments and a DIY alchemy kit that helps you create not only “singing swords,” but the sharpest, most powerful saws and axes EVAH.

So, Noah will be ready for the zombie apocalypse, if nothing else.

God has given Noah and his sons 120 years to build the ark.  But the sons are whining already, because it turns out that building an ark kinda sucks.  Sure, they have cool tools, but they only have horsies to help them.

Also, word has spread that four dudes are building a gigantic boat NOWHERE NEAR THE OCEAN, and people are coming to the forest to point and laugh at Noah.


For some strange and unbiblical reason, Noah thinks that God gave them all that time so they could also persuade others to stop their filthy, sinful ways and join them on the ark.

I say unbiblical because the Bible says this:

“And behold, I myself am bringing the flood of waters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh which is the breath of life, and everything that is on the earth shall die.”

-Genesis 6:17

And in case this wasn’t clear enough, God repeats himself eight verses later;

“For after seven more days I will cause it to rain on the earth forty days and forty nights, and I will destroy from the face of the earth all living things that I have made.”

-Genesis 7:4

So I’m not sure where Noah is getting this missionary zeal.

Noah waited until [the townsfolk] had finished [laughing and jeering].  “You can laugh now, but the day is coming when laughter will cease.  God will punish evil men and women with a judgment of water,” he said calmly.  “The sky will break forth with rain, and wells of water will spring out of the ground.  Every living creature that has the breath of air will die.  The only place of safety will be the ark of God’s protection.  Please listen and turn from your wickedness!”

Gee, I can’t imagine why this approach isn’t working like a charm.

“Oh, guys, I also forgot to mention that God will drown your evil babies in their cribs.  Because they’re evil.  So, yanno…ark.”

Noah’s wife and daughters-in-law show up to whine and complain (as women always do) about people making fun of them, just because their husbands are ripping down a whole forest and building a huge fracking boat in the middle of nowhere.

But fear not, Christian warriors!  The moral of this chapter is that if people laugh at your faith, God will smite their asses with water.

So it’s all good.


Posted on October 9, 2012, in Books, The Secret on Ararat. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Soon Noah and his sons began the process of cutting timber and erecting shelters. The women were busy with catching fish from the lake and preparing meals, as well as tending the horses, camels, sheep, goats, and cows that munched contentedly on the gentle grassy slopes.

    Oh my…. this paragraph is so wrong, it hurts. And I’m not even a historian or ethnologist or anything.
    Sheep, goats, horses and camels all in one herd? NO – herders of that time would have stuck to just one or two species. And if there were ” gentle grassy slopes” where were the trees? Forests don’t stop at some magic border (apart from treelines in mountainous country) so that people can enjoy big grassy meadows – these meadows have to be cleared of trees first, and kept clear.
    Cutting down trees by hand to make shelters? NO – they would already have had perfectly good skin/woven cloth tents; people were pretty good at throwing up quick shelters back then. And building anything from wood takes time; having the sharpest saws and axes in the world wouldn’t make the wood season any faster. (Also, maybe the dirty sinners are annoyed because Noah and his dudes have the sharpest tools evah and aren’t sharing them.)
    And the description of this place – grassy meadows big enough to feed herds of animals; fresh water and a fishing lake within a day’s walking, a whole forest of good timber nearby – why the heck isn’t some tribe already living there????

  2. Hmm. Helicopters generally do pretty badly over about 10K feet, and the Turkish Ararat is about 16K feet high. I wonder if this one’s been specially lightened, or whether the problem will just be ignored.

    When the rains start falling, why don’t the villagers just swarm up and take the ark with force of numbers?

    • That’s the problem with you heathens. Applying common sense to trying to tell a myth as though it were a real event 😛

      Srsly, anyone who wants to take the Ark myth and try to render it in some kind of “real-world” fashion – well, LaHaye HAS sort of done it here with the villagers making fun of Noah for lol arking, true, but I don’t think he’s really figured out how to carry the verisimilitude the rest of the way, like taking some of those 120 years to make a settlement (like clearing the aforementioned trees to make meadows and such), and not being dicks about cutting down assloads of trees too quickly.

  3. These chapters are basically Bible fanfiction and reading them makes me feel uncomfortable, like I’m rummaging through Tim LaHaye’s My Docs folder while he’s out shopping.

    Any minute I expect an awkward self-insert character to show up and help with the ark, some Mary Sue from the next village who is well-liked and helpful and just as righteous as Noah. “Thank you Timm-Lahai, we couldn’t have finished the ark without your help! When the Bible is written, surely your amazingness will be recorded for all to know.” “Thank you Noah, but I do not need to be remembered, it is enough knowing that I helped the great Noah save the world! Now I must journey alone to further adventure! Away!”

    • And yet, in another way, I’m really enjoying all the silly stuff LaHaye is adding to the myth. Because the Flood story is so preposterous to begin with, if you’re attempting to make a literal narrative, you might as well run with it and add some fun embellishments of your own.

      It’s like when Rudolph was incorporated into the Santa mythos: the story’s already got eight flying reindeer, so let’s add a ninth one with a magically glowing nose, and also an elf who wants to be a dentist, becuse why not? Nothing about the Flood myth is realistic, and you can’t possibly make it any less realistic by introducing magic axes and camels grazing next to sheep, but you do make it more fun, and that’s good enough.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is that The Secret on Ararat is the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer of the Bible.

  4. Well, at least Noah tried to save everyone else. That’s lightyears better than what Herb “Call me Cameron ‘Call me Buck’ Williams” Katz will do several thousand years later.

  5. I think I figured out where the 120 years of preparation is coming from. It’s when God refers to the foreshortening of humanity’s years in Genesis 6:3. And it looks like LaHaye has precedent: http://bible.cc/genesis/6-3.htm. Notice Barnes’s commentary.

  6. So, Noah will be ready for the zombie apocalypse, if nothing else.

    Actually what Noah needs is a pair of these:


    That way he’s prepared for the Zombie apocalypse AND he’ll keep his feet dry when the rain starts. Win-win.

  7. Hm. If this Noah story is anything like Evan Almighty, the different flock animals will just magically cooperate because Morgan Freeman God makes them do so. And probably other animals will help out with the heavy lifting and such, when they start magically appearing at the ark.

    Which brings to mind — one thing I always hated about the ark story was, what does God have against all those poor un-arked animals? What did they every do to him? As I kid I imagined all the poor doggies and kitties and lions&tigers&bearsOhMy struggling in the waves before they sank down to their deaths, and it made me cry, and definitely NOT want to worship such a god, much less love him. (Hell, that mental picture still makes me cry if I actually build it in my mind, run it as a mental movie….)

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