TSoA: Chapter 18: More Time with Noah!
On the heels of Murphy convincing his old pal with the pregnant wife that it will be TOTES SAFE to fly a helicopter over Mt. Ararat, we check in six-to-ten-thousand-years ago with Noah and his family.
Last we saw them, they were fleeing like startled deer to the forest of Azer.
Soon Noah and his sons began the process of cutting timber and erecting shelters. The women were busy with catching fish from the lake and preparing meals, as well as tending the horses, camels, sheep, goats, and cows that munched contentedly on the gentle grassy slopes.
Yeah, and I bet the women also had pillow fights and knitted potholders, while the menfolk took turns punching each other and watching football.
It was a different time.
Noah finally gets around to opening the swag he got from Tubal-cain. And even though Tubal-cain is a dirty sinner who will die a horrible drowning death (as he deserves), he has given Noah surveying instruments and a DIY alchemy kit that helps you create not only “singing swords,” but the sharpest, most powerful saws and axes EVAH.
So, Noah will be ready for the zombie apocalypse, if nothing else.
God has given Noah and his sons 120 years to build the ark. But the sons are whining already, because it turns out that building an ark kinda sucks. Sure, they have cool tools, but they only have horsies to help them.
Also, word has spread that four dudes are building a gigantic boat NOWHERE NEAR THE OCEAN, and people are coming to the forest to point and laugh at Noah.
I mean, they are PERSECUTING THEM ALL FOR THEIR BELIEF IN THE ONE TRUE GOD.
For some strange and unbiblical reason, Noah thinks that God gave them all that time so they could also persuade others to stop their filthy, sinful ways and join them on the ark.
I say unbiblical because the Bible says this:
“And behold, I myself am bringing the flood of waters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh which is the breath of life, and everything that is on the earth shall die.”
And in case this wasn’t clear enough, God repeats himself eight verses later;
“For after seven more days I will cause it to rain on the earth forty days and forty nights, and I will destroy from the face of the earth all living things that I have made.”
So I’m not sure where Noah is getting this missionary zeal.
Noah waited until [the townsfolk] had finished [laughing and jeering]. “You can laugh now, but the day is coming when laughter will cease. God will punish evil men and women with a judgment of water,” he said calmly. “The sky will break forth with rain, and wells of water will spring out of the ground. Every living creature that has the breath of air will die. The only place of safety will be the ark of God’s protection. Please listen and turn from your wickedness!”
Gee, I can’t imagine why this approach isn’t working like a charm.
“Oh, guys, I also forgot to mention that God will drown your evil babies in their cribs. Because they’re evil. So, yanno…ark.”
Noah’s wife and daughters-in-law show up to whine and complain (as women always do) about people making fun of them, just because their husbands are ripping down a whole forest and building a huge fracking boat in the middle of nowhere.
But fear not, Christian warriors! The moral of this chapter is that if people laugh at your faith, God will smite their asses with water.
So it’s all good.