TSoA: Chapter 40: You Suck, God
Thanks for bearing with me during my mini-hiatus. I’m sure y’all were on the edge of your collective seat, just waiting to see what kinds of glorious treasures Murphy finds aboard the Really Real Ark.
Well, keep waiting, because it’s time for a Noah chapter.
Noah, you see, has been hard at work ever since God spoke to him personally, building the ark and ruining the lives of all his family members by making them work with/for him.
For one hundred. And twenty. YEARS.
And as though it’s not enough that they ripped down a forest and built a boat with it, and have nothing to look forward to but shoveling the shit of two of every kind, they also have to try to convert the entire planet.
Well, the entire planet that is within an approximately five-mile radius of their forest home.
I mean, seriously, God’s going to kill EVERYONE, and he’s not even giving Teh Intertubes to the one guy who got the news straight from the horse’s mouth?
Noah’s all angsty, because God spoke to him personally AGAIN, kindly letting Noah know (har) that there is one week left to go.
So it’s everybody’s last chance.
Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
-Queenie, Blackadder II, “Chains”
So Noah’s in bed, tossing and turning. If drinking was okay with God, I’m sure he’d be drinking, and if he living in the 21st century, I’m sure he’d be listening to some nice, angsty, teen emo music.
For one hundred and twenty years he had warned everyone of God’s coming judgment for their wickedness. He had begged them to turn from their evil thoughts and imaginations and come to the ark of safety.
Not a single man, woman, or child had heeded him.
Huh, thought Noah. It’s almost as if this has all been completely futile. And since God knows everything ahead of time…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
Pfft, silly me. Almost had an independent thought there. Better tamp it back down.
There, that’s better. Oh well, too bad about all those slaves and babies in their cribs. Guess they’re just too sinful to avoid horrific drowning deaths.
But Noah goes for it one last time, because that’s the kind of idiot he is. Unsurprisingly, no one listens.
On Flood Day, a bunch of people show up at the ark. Why? So they can jeer at Noah and then learn the error of their ways. (For the few minutes they have left.)
God magically slams the door of the ark shut, then makes it rain:
Noah and his family couldn’t believe their eyes. Water was falling out of the sky. It had never rained on the earth before, and the sight was awesome to behold.
Okay, I know this is supposed to be the Very Serious Part where everyone dies (not that God gives a crap), but…
And then everyone died.
Sadly no, it’s not the end. Everyone dies gasping and shrieking for help because God didn’t speak to them like he spoke to Noah.
Yeah, God pretty much sucks. A lot.