TSoA: Chapter 40: You Suck, God

Thanks for bearing with me during my mini-hiatus.  I’m sure y’all were on the edge of your collective seat, just waiting to see what kinds of glorious treasures Murphy finds aboard the Really Real Ark.

Well, keep waiting, because it’s time for a Noah chapter.

Noah, you see, has been hard at work ever since God spoke to him personally, building the ark and ruining the lives of all his family members by making them work with/for him.

For one hundred.  And twenty.  YEARS.

And as though it’s not enough that they ripped down a forest and built a boat with it, and have nothing to look forward to but shoveling the shit of two of every kind, they also have to try to convert the entire planet.

Well, the entire planet that is within an approximately five-mile radius of their forest home.

I mean, seriously, God’s going to kill EVERYONE, and he’s not even giving Teh Intertubes to the one guy who got the news straight from the horse’s mouth?

Guess not.

Noah’s all angsty, because God spoke to him personally AGAIN, kindly letting Noah know (har) that there is one week left to go.

So it’s everybody’s last chance.

Absolutely the last.  Final.  Full stop.  Never again.  Cross my heart and hope to die.

-Queenie, Blackadder II, “Chains”

So Noah’s in bed, tossing and turning.  If drinking was okay with God, I’m sure he’d be drinking, and if he living in the 21st century, I’m sure he’d be listening to some nice, angsty, teen emo music.

For one hundred and twenty years he had warned everyone of God’s coming judgment for their wickedness.  He had begged them to turn from their evil thoughts and imaginations and come to the ark of safety.

Not a single man, woman, or child had heeded him.

Huh, thought Noah.  It’s almost as if this has all been completely futile.  And since God knows everything ahead of time…WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Pfft, silly me.  Almost had an independent thought there.  Better tamp it back down. 

There, that’s better.  Oh well, too bad about all those slaves and babies in their cribs.  Guess they’re just too sinful to avoid horrific drowning deaths.

But Noah goes for it one last time, because that’s the kind of idiot he is.  Unsurprisingly, no one listens.

On Flood Day, a bunch of people show up at the ark.  Why?  So they can jeer at Noah and then learn the error of their ways.  (For the few minutes they have left.)

God magically slams the door of the ark shut, then makes it rain:

Noah and his family couldn’t believe their eyes.  Water was falling out of the sky.  It had never rained on the earth before, and the sight was awesome to behold.




Okay, I know this is supposed to be the Very Serious Part where everyone dies (not that God gives a crap), but…



And then everyone died.

The end.

Sadly no, it’s not the end.  Everyone dies gasping and shrieking for help because God didn’t speak to them like he spoke to Noah.

Yeah, God pretty much sucks.  A lot.

Posted on March 21, 2013, in Books, The Secret on Ararat. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Remember, though, this is the RTC uber-fundy God. He’s always an asshole, and I’m not one bit surprised that he’s an asshole in Noah’s time as he is during Left Behind.

    (Count me in on the *snerk* at the “it had never rained on earth before” part. Really, now. That’s just over the top silly.)

    • And the trees and crops had grown, and the rivers had been filled, by, um, hey look over there it’s some apostates!

      All cultures create gods in their own image.

  2. It’s just as well nobody listened to Noah. We’ve established how impossibly crowded the Ark must have been, can you imagine what it would have been like if Noah did his last-minute sermon thing and 1000 people said, “Yeah okay, I changed my mind, being wicked sucks, please save me a place on the boat.”

    And Noah’s like, “Uhh, the thing is we actually only have like 3 cubic inches of available space, ’cause the last 120 years nobody was interested. Can’t really get an addition built in a week. Also we can’t feed you? Pretty much was just asking to be polite. So, like, good luck with that, maybe you can build your own boat this week. On that note, sorry I cut down every tree in 200 miles. so anyway, yeah”

    • Perhaps God hardened their hearts, like he did with Pharoah. (“free will?! lolz. Silly humans will believe anything!”)

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      “Neighbor? How long can you tread water. Ha ha ha ha ha…”
      — Bill Cosby, “Noah”

  3. If drinking was okay with God, I’m sure he’d be drinking….”

    We know quite well that, per the Bible, God was just fine with Noah drinking. How else are his daughters going to get with him?

    • I’m sure that can be “explained”.

      (At Duxford, a WWII air base in Cambridgeshire now open as a museum, they’ve reconstructed one of the operations rooms as it was at the time. Except that they have removed all the ash trays.)

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        (At Duxford, a WWII air base in Cambridgeshire now open as a museum, they’ve reconstructed one of the operations rooms as it was at the time. Except that they have removed all the ash trays.)

        Looks like Stalin and his minions weren’t the only ones who changed history to fit the current Party Line…

    • Actually, I’m having self-doubt here. Am I mixing up Lot & Noah, or did that happen to them both?

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        I think something similar did happen to them both, in an echo and parallelism.

        Except when Noah got drunk, he passed out and his son Ham “saw his nakedness” which may or may not mean he raped his father.

        And Lot’s daughters got him drunk after the destruction of the two cities so they could have their way with him sexually.

        So yeah, there is a parallel. Both were in a situation where they either were or thought they were the only survivors of an extinction event. Maybe the parallel was to show that even in such extreme situations, people are still going to be screwed up.

  4. When Discworld did the ‘people have no idea what rain is in the pseudo-australian continent’ it was meant as a joke. How did this forest that provided the materials for the ark spring up if it hadn’t rained for centuries? Or was the tree’s life span also multiplied, and these are all still the original trees god created the first time around?

    And how freaked out must Noah have been after the water receeded and it started raining again. I mean, the only time he’s seen it, it was used to destroy the world. And this time he got no warning! Just like all those wicked sinners, whom god could have spoken directly to, but he chose to talk to the unwicked man and let him talk to the wicked. Because… it might have worked otherwise?

    BTW, Ruby, did you get my first version of the review? It’s okay if you haven’t had time to read it yet, I just wanted to make sure it didn’t end up in your spam folder. And if you haven’t read it or started reading it yet, let me know. Then I’ll send you the updated version I have now. It’s not so different that you’d have to read it all again if you already read the first one, but if you haven’t, well, might as well read it with a few less typos.

    • I got it, Ivan. But with my unscheduled hiatus, I just haven’t had the chance to read it yet. So I’m happy to read the updated version instead.

      I figure once Murphy’s done with the ark, I’ll do a few movie reviews to cleanse the palate. So looks like that’ll be go time!

    • Groundwater. Although that has to come from somewhere too – but hey, goddidit.

      • Yeah, but doesn’t that need occasional refilling? Now there’s no rain, which means there’s no yearly increase of the snow or anything else that could fill up any rivers, so those are basically out. I’d think the water would be pretty much depleted after a couple of centuries.

  5. Is that bit about rain in the BIble? I don’t recall people marveling at the existence of rain in the Noah story. Then again I read it a very long time ago. The story of Noah and the ark is one of the most heinous in the Bible, IMO. Yet it is so beloved it is ubiquitous among kid’s stuff. I like the idea of a bunch of animals all chillin’ together as much as the next person, but how can you forget the wholesale slaughter of all the REST of the animals who weren’t quite lucky enough to get on the ark. Unlike people, who supposedly have free will and all that, none of the animals did a thing wrong. Yet they all died horribly with everything else. And the worst part is, it didn’t even work, in terms of cleansing the world of sin. All that destruction for absolutely nothing and all people take away from it is that God sealed a pledge with a pretty rainbow.

    • Word. A worldwide genocide minus seven people is bad enough, but the omnicient god should’ve known it would basically be a stopgap measure at best. I mean, how many more cities, races and humans does god end up having to destroy because they too are just so evil, in the old testament alone?

      Why didn’t god just roll out the Messiah then, instead of wait another 4000 years before adressing the ‘all humans are irredeemably sinful from birth’-problem?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      Is that bit about rain in the BIble? I don’t recall people marveling at the existence of rain in the Noah story.

      It’s a common folk belief among Young Earth Creationists/Bible Ultra-Literalists, based on the fact that “rain” is not mentioned in Genesis until this point. From this, they postulate as Proved from the Bible that there was no such thing as rain until Noah’s flood.

      I have heard some really bizarre explanations for how this could have happened. Since Ellen G White (founder of the Seventh-Day Adventists, which RTC’s consider a Cult Cult Cult) first proposed that all Earth’s geology and geography was caused by Noah’s flood (to fit SDA’s particular type of YEC), others have taken the idea of “Flood Geology” and ran with it, accreting “fact” after “fact” to explain how the pre-Flood world could or must have operated — thick water-vapor blanket atmosphere (also providing water for the Flood), fog and dew replenishing the water cycle instead of rain, you name it.

      And after a couple generations, the speculation of one generation becomes the “Fact” the next one bases its speculation on — this is how Medieval clerics came up with incredibly detailed heirarchies of Angels and Demons based on the minimal mentions of them in the original source documents/Bible.

      • Ah, so that’s where L&J got their ‘The scriptures say the conqueror rides out with a bow in hand, but it doesn’t explicitly say he’s got an arrow. That obviously means he’s not really going to fight, but instead will conquer the world through diplomacy, not through military means, which are godly and awesome.’

        I stand by my comment when that section of Left Behind was reviewed on the Slacktivist: The scriptures don’t specify the conqueror is wearing pants. Clearly, that means he’s going to be a romantic conqueror, whom everyone will follow when they find out how good in bed he is.

      • Sometimes you hear about the “vapor canopy” explanation, which says that in pre-Flood times there was this enormous layer of water vapor above Earth’s atmosphere; this is what fell to the ground as rain and explains where the water came from. Some theories go further and credit the vapor canopy with the ludicrously long antediluvian lifespans in the Bible (because the canopy blocked harmful radiation or some shit).

        I braved the Answers in Genesis article about whether there was rain pre-Flood; needless to say, it reads like the worst and nit-pickiest Biblical fanfiction. In terms of scholarship it’s right there with the “did Balrogs have wings” debate. The article, which does not settle the question asked, kicks off with this howler: “Scripture says tantalizingly little about climate conditions before the Flood.” Why, it’s almost as if the Bible wasn’t written as a science textbook!

        The article also credits the vapor canopy (or possibly the rapid disappearance of same, it’s hard to tell) with explaining Noah’s susceptibility to drunkenness. Yeaaaahhhhh, I dunno about that.

  6. Headless Unicorn Guy

    Thanks for bearing with me during my mini-hiatus. I’m sure y’all were on the edge of your collective seat, just waiting to see what kinds of glorious treasures Murphy finds aboard the Really Real Ark.

    Well, keep waiting, because it’s time for a Noah chapter.

    While cutting away at a key point to another plot arc is a way to build suspense, it has to be done right. And this is the wrong way to do it. The Noah arc is too distant and minor a secondary arc to pull this off. When you do a suspense cutaway late in the story — at the very CLIMAX, when the main-arc protag has just reached the goal that ends the tale — the secondary arc had better be just as thrilling and interesting and important as the main arc, and reaching a similar climax. And the secondary-arc climax had better echo or counterpoint the primary-arc climax. That’s how you work parallel story arcs.

    But then, that’s how the Heathen(TM) do it, and this is Christianese.

  7. So, am I wrong in guessing that all the people who laughed at Noah and called him names (and wouldn’t let him join in any sinner games) get a suitably graphic comeuppance at the end of this chapter?

    LeHaye really, really, really likes his revenge fantasies, doesn’t he? That can’t be healthy.

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Round Up, March 30th, 2013 | The Slacktiverse

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