TSoA: Chapter 50: Last Noah Chapter!
This is the very last time we’ll have a chance to visit with lovely Noah and his soon-to-be-incestuous brood, so it’s only fitting that the chapter recounts Genesis 8 and 9, in which the Noah-ians find their way to dry land.
There is a nasty wind blowing about the ark, so strong that nobody can even open a window. Noah and his family fear they may have displeased God (as well they might, considering they have recently been given ample proof that God will drown babies in their cribs for the crime of displeasing him), so they all pray.
My NKJV Bible tells it this way:
Then God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the animals that were with him in the ark. And God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters subsided.
Gotta love that God remembers Noah.
“Oh, yeah! That Noah guy! The one family I allowed not to drown in my worldwide deluge! The folks who’ve been bobbing around in a gigantic, vomit-encrusted, dung-filled boat for the past five months! Maybe I should do something about that…”
And the thing he decides to do is confuse and scare the shit out of them.
What, was God busy or distracted or something? In the middle of an intense dungeon-crawl on WoW? Engrossed in a Boardwalk Empire marathon? What was so important that he forgot the only eight people on the planet?
Some omnipotent god.
So the waters recede (PHYSICS!) and the boat wedges itself into a mountain, and the Family Noah has to wait for another like, three months, before they get to leave.
This is when they do the whole send-out-the-birds thing, and God sends his pure sweet love on the wings of a snow white dove…
A song I wouldn’t know were it not for this episode of MST3K:
Finally, FINALLY, the damn bird stays gone (I love how everyone assumes the bird is just enjoying its new land-home, instead of imagining that the bird might have died), so they let the other animals go, too.
Only the sacrificial animals remained. Noah and his family stepped out onto the sweet-smelling earth and immediately built an altar. They thanked God that their ordeal was over at last and their new life could begin.
So, let me get this straight: God killed every single animal on the entire planet, except for the two-of-every-kind that he allowed to go on the ark. But then he let some extra animals get on the ark, just so they could wait another ten months to be ritually slaughtered? Is this for real?
Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
And the LORD smelled a soothing aroma.
Ah. Well, I guess it’s real. IT’S IN THE BIBLE.
But, I just…
HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?
God…dude, did you not just have the blood sacrifice to end all blood sacrifices? Can your bloodlust not be sated? WHAT THE FRICKETY-FRAK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
(Also, I cannot help but picture the bones of the bazillions of humans and other animals, strewn about the “sweet-smelling earth.”)
Then they see a rainbow. Nobody knows what it is except for Noah, which I guess means that God magically grafted knowledge of rainbows onto Noah’s brain.
“Father, should I bring the things from the chest?” asked Shem.
“No, son. Not yet. We must first see where we shall live. We need to explore the new country below. But we will return someday soon for the golden box of Tubal-cain and the bronze plates.”
“Good old Tubal-cain, giving us these invaluable tools. Too bad he drowned horribly! Hey, maybe those bones over there are some of his? Or his children’s! Heh, it’s fun to think about.”
Also, since Murphy & Co. found the plates on the ark, are we just to assume that Noah and everyone else forgot about them? Yeah, I can see how you could forget about indispensable tools in a world that has been wiped clean of every single vestige of civilization.
We leave the Noahites on the heartwarming (or something) note of Hagaba (I think she’s Japheth’s wife) announcing that she’s preggers.
And thus begins a long tradition of cousin-marriage. (Or, I suppose, brother-sister-marriage.) Hey, it’s not like these kids will have a lot of options!