Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm, Part 3

A Guest Critique by Ivan.  Need to catch up with Parts 1 and 2?

Hot off the heels of this stupidity, we go to the next item where we hear that the Antichrist has reunited brothers who have been separated for 6000 years by brokering peace between Israel and its Muslim neighbors. Oh FFS, now these secular news agencies are taking Genesis literally too?

This peace agreement serves for only a seven year period. No one asks why there is a seven year expiration date when the Messiah promised eternal peace. But even hardened as Buckson’s heart is by all that filthy intellectualism, he does notice that this sounds an awful lot like that seven year peace treaty Helen was talking about. We see him later grumbling as he walks to his car.

“Could have been a five year treaty. Could have been ten. But no, it had to be seven. Give me a break.”

Buckson makes a good point. We know two things about Franco. He’s dispatched minions like MacEvilton because he doesn’t want people finding out he’s the Antichrist. And he has enough knowledge of the rapture prophecies to time his plan exactly to god’s. So he obviously knows a seven year treaty with Israel is a big warning sign for anyone who “reads the bible literally.”

So why not make it 10 years? Or give no ending date? As long as the treaty isn’t scheduled to end before he plans to betray the Israelis, it serves his purposes. So why stick to the prophesized seven years? The Antichrist might enjoy following the prophecies that say he takes over the world, but by following this prophecy to the letter he exposes himself while gaining nothing.

If you think about it, this bit actually has some weird implications. This prophecy comes from god, satan’s nemesis, and the Antichrist knows this. Yet he follows the prophecy anyway. If your (im)mortal enemy prophecises that you’ll jump of a bridge, would you do it? Or does this imply that the Antichrist doesn’t actually have free will, that he has no choice but to do what god said he’ll do? In which case, can we blame the Antichrist for his evil actions? Isn’t it god’s fault for not prophecizing that the Antichrist will spend the entire seven years hugging puppies and helping old ladies cross the street?

I actually skipped ahead a little there. Before the scene where Buckson gets to his car, Helen dumps a package into it. The Goony One and his friend are sitting in a car with well lit interior right next to it, but Helen completely fails to spot them while driving up to Buckson’s car. So it’s an exciting chase!

Well…actually no, there’s no budget for car stunts or even paying any traffic fines. So Helen just looks in her rear view mirror a lot and sees the headlights of a car that’s perfectly obeying the speed limit. But there’s a lot of quick editing and Helen looking worried! That must mean it’s serious! Because she doesn’t have that expression all the damn time or anything.

And there’s a tense song about the end times playing in the background! Sadly, like all the Christian songs in this movie (or like all RTC music, period) no matter how grim the subject, the music is always the same blandly cheerful country-ish tune. Which really hampers the movie when they play it over pseudo-action scenes or dramatic montages of stock footage.

The goons manage to grab Helen, but never bother to check what Helen was doing with Buckson’s car, so the package is still there for Buckson to find. In it is a Bible and a cassette tape from a show called Point of View.

“Today we’re talking about one of the questions that every Christian has been asked at one time or another: If god really exists, then why doesn’t he simply show himself to the world? I mean, he’s god, he can do anything he wants, right?”

That is certainly something I’d like to know, yes.

“Well, today we’re going to answer that very question.”

Good, sounds interesting.

“By talking about one of the most important elements of Christian experience: Faith.”


“That faith is what lets us know, in our hearts, that even if our loved ones may have departed, their spirit still lives forever in the presence of the lord. As the Bible says: Absent from the body, present with the lord.”

In other words, “If Chewbacca lives on Endor, then God exists.”  How in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster does this answer the question? We were talking about the living here, not the departed.

And no, I do not feel in my heart that my grandma, nice as she was, is currently living with the lord. Nor that she’s being tormented, since she wasn’t an RTC. I’m sure RTCs would accuse me of having a closed mind, and that god is totally reaching out to me in his own way. But I can promise I have never seen or felt unmistakable proof that god exists, and an omnipotent being could give me that proof. And with billions of non-RTCs in the world, it’s clear that subtle hints alone don’t work well enough. So the question, why does god not show himself openly, remains unanswered.

But Buckson seems impressed by this talk of dead relatives being with the lord, so here comes Christian singer #714 as he drives to his father’s grave in the middle of the night. He talks to his father’s grave about how awesome Franco is, but that there’s just something off about him. No shit, Sherlock.

He also feels as if there’s something tugging at him. Ah, god recognized the main character and singles him out for special messages. So, Point of View, as long as I don’t feel any tugging, god is not sending me a message and thus he’s fine with me continuing with what I’m doing? Cool.

He cries some manly tears to the tune of another bloody singer wishing his father was here telling him what to do, when a bright spotlight falls onto the tombstone. Buckson looks up at (stock footage of) the moon, but the shot shows no clouds around it that could have hidden the light until two seconds ago and it doesn’t explain why it’s only a narrow spot beam highlighting the inscription “Thessalonians 4:16-17”.


So Buckson gets the bible from his car and reads that the verse is about the dead being raptured to be with the lord.  Wait, Buckson’s father was so hardcore he put Rapture Ready’s greatest hits on his tombstone, but Buckson couldn’t guess what his father might say about Franco if he were here? He apparently payed as much attention to what his father said as Helen did to her grandma.

Buckson the investigative reporter decides to dig in to this lead by… digging in. He digs up his father’s coffin to the background of the FOURTH! FUCKING! SONG! in 6 minutes. I counted, this nine minute part of the movie contains six minutes of Christian songs, plus one minute of the Point of View tape. IMDB lists this movie as ‘drama’ and ‘thriller’, but they forgot ‘musical’.

Lo and behold, the coffin is empty except for folded pile of cloths, in perfect condition despite being buried in 1991, and a bible. So Buckson cries some more and reads the bible. Score another one for Team God.

So… did Helen plan this entire sequence of events with a tape she just happened to have, or did she just dump a random RTC message in his car and trusted god’s plan to sort it out. The latter is dumb, the former is needlessly complicated. Leaving a note with a reminder about the bible verse on his dad’s grave is easier, less prone to Buckson going off-script and wouldn’t have required miracle moonlight.

The following morning, the Goony One drags Helen into the editing room where MacEvilton is editing out some insufficiently enthusiastic crowds out of the footage of the Antichrist’s speeches. I’d give Helen points for her “God needs your help?” remark, but the comment applies equally well to the many Liars for Jesus. Remember those pictures of a huge Romney rally that turned out to be from Obama? Plus, we saw the unedited footage before, and the crowds were plenty cheerful, so I don’t know why MacEvilton is bothering.

There’s some posturing from both sides.

“I read the bible right to the end.”

“Then you know you can’t win.”

That first line is Helen’s , the second MacEvilton’s. But you’d be forgiven for assuming the other way around. The bible is pretty definite on who wins in the end, and it isn’t MacEvilton’s side. And what is it with first MacEvilton and now Helen making a point of reading the bible “right to the end”?

“It’s a battle for souls, [MacEvilton]. And every man will make that choice for himself.”

“They don’t even realize they have a choice. Do you have any idea who [Franco] is and what he’s capable of? You worship him, or you die. THAT’S your choice.”

That last sentence is probably meant to prove that the Antichrist is evil. And he is. But I can’t help but realize that god’s deal is essentially “You worship him, or you’re tortured for eternity, THAT’S your choice”. And at least the devil demonstrates his ability and willingness to make good on his threat while you still have time to switch to his team. God is content bring up the fact that you picked the wrong religion after you’ve died. So this devil is evil, but still better than this god.

The Goony One is wearing his tiny camera in his necktie during this exchange, and frankly it doesn’t look so small that no one could spot it lying on the floor, but whatever.

Time for another Macaluso speech pasted into stock footage crowds. I know what you’re thinking, can he be any more obviously the Antichrist than before? Judge for yourselves.

“You know how I have removed the tears from the weak. But even having seen this, there are some who have chosen not to join in this great moment. It is as if they are cancer cells in our collective body. And I tell you today that until they have been removed you cannot experience what I have prepared for you.”

This speech sparks immediate mass demonstrations (goody, more stock footage) against the ‘haters’. That is what the evil followers of the Antichrist are calling the RTCs. That nickname is also one of the few things that remains consistent in all movies. So let’s look at it.

In principle, it’s one of the more credible bits of world building we’ve seen here (although that’s not saying much). Using a dehumanizing slur against a group of people you’re busy persecuting is believable. But why did they pick this? Franco spoke of “hate” several times, but never used the word “hater.”  And it’s not a frequently used term, at least not until 2009’s “haters gonna hate”-meme.

I fear I know why it was chosen. Not because the filmmakers thought it was how the minions of the Antichrist would logically view RTCs. But because they thought it was a way for their RTC audience to identify those vile minions of the Antichrist as the non-RTCs of today.

Dear viewer, did any liberals ever accuse you of being hateful just because you said gays should be locked up? Don’t listen to them. The people saying that are just a Satanists in their larva stage. No one who accuses an RTC of displaying hate is ever right. They are all just loathsome beings who are biding their time until they get an excuse to try and murder us all.

This movie isn’t as specific with its attacks as Left Behind. It doesn’t feature abortion doctors who want more babies to abort, or militant feminists in sensible shoes or the U.N.  just being the One World Government’s prototype. But it does have this.

I admit this is speculative. Perhaps the writers just used it because Franco used the word hate a lot, with no ulterior motive on their part. But if that’s the case, if this “hater” is merely a callback to the Antichrist refering to raptured RTCs as people he removed because they “chose the path of hate” …  why doesn’t anyone ask why Franco can’t remove these haters too?

And for that matter, why aren’t the parents angry about this admitted mistake of god? We have seen that toddlers still riding in baby carriages have been raptured. Because, the Messiah says, that child had chosen the way of hate. Or would have, once he had learned what the word meant.

My disbelief had already been suspended well beyond the point of willing when parents accepted that without a fuss. But now the Messiah has admitted he missed a huge group of people who would choose hate considerably sooner than those toddlers would have. If the Messiah left them, why didn’t he leave our children so we, his parents, could try to raise him with love? Or worse, if the Messiah made a mistake in thinking those new haters wouldn’t choose the path of hate, how do we know he wasn’t mistaken when he killed our children for allegedly choosing hate?

But obviously, no one asks this. We get a street interview with middle-aged lady who utters some of the worst lines in this movie, coupled with the least convincing performance this side of Birdemic.

“I can hardly wait. The Messiah says that we’re all gods.“

Non-RTCs assuming they are gods themselves? Yes! Bingo!

“That we have unbelievable powers within us all. Oh, whatever it takes, we gotta get rid of those haters that stand in our way.”

And that’s all it takes. The promise that they have always had powers they just can’t use because there are ‘haters’ around is enough for the entire world to hunt the RTCs down. We get several minutes of stock footage of police brutality, which the news anchor tells us is police forces worldwide cracking down on haters. Did these police forces get their orders from their governments? Does the Antichrist directly control those yet? Or did they all decide to hold roundups on their own? Who cares, there’s masturbating to the RTC martyr fetish to be done.

Still, as easy as it is to mock these persecution fantasies, we’ve seen terrible things like these pogroms happen before in the real world, the Jews in World War 2 being the most notorious example. A shrewd despot can get it done. This is trickier than what the Nazi’s did, because the victims are not a separate group that has lived among its own for a long time. These are all post-Rapture converts. But it’s possible. It takes long, hard work of dehumanizing that group. Some fake crimes they committed, some show trials. Make people forget all the Christians they knew that were decent people. Create propaganda films, ‘the eternal Christian’, that slowly seep into the people’s “common knowledge” to create stereotypes and…


Oh.  Right.

I’m sorry, I need to have a lie-down. I just realized that I’m watching something that’s actually less believable than Soon. At least that book had a backstory of religious-inspired wars followed by decades of anti-religious propaganda by an atheist government to explain the RTC persecution. The idea of longing for Soon for some grounded realism is making me lightheaded.

Oh wait, I forgot: While Soon’s backstory could have explained the actions of the atheists, it rarely used any explanation beyond “We atheist! They Christian! Kill them!”. So Soon is still bullshit. Whew, okay, I’m feeling better now.

So anyway, with just three speeches in five days, the Antichrist has convinced the whole world to drag the newly converted Christians on the street for beatings and arrests. I’m surprised at just how many new Christians there are. All the American characters we’ve seen proved denser than uranium when it came to figuring out the obvious parallels between Franco Macaluso and the popular American view of the Antichrist. Yet there are apparently thousands of brand new RTCs around the globe, even in countries where there aren’t 60 million copies of Left Behind floating around. There’s footage of police beatings from Denmark, Egypt, Indonesia, Chile…


… Okay movie, I couldn’t be arsed to find out what was wrong about every bit of stock footage you used, so I only insinuated. But messing with my hometown? Oh, it’s on now!

Let’s see, these don’t look like modern Dutch riot cops with those dorky helmets. It could be the helmets they used before 1966, those look kinda like this. But I can’t find any color footage of any of the riots from that era, so how did these guys find this?

And what the hell is that cop in the front holding? That looks like a Kalashnikov. The Dutch police certainly never had those. I showed this to my dad, who’s lived in Amsterdam all his life, and he was certain this wasn’t shot here. Myth: Probably Busted!

Not that there weren’t some fierce riots in Amsterdam that they could have used the footage from. There’s the squatter’s riots in the 70’s, the riots during the Queen’s marriage in 1966, her coronation in 1980, rioting construction workers who got less vacation money also from 1966… But y’know what the fun thing about all those riots is? It was always the police vs. left-wing activists. We’ve never had any big riots where Christians got beat up by the police, unless you count a few stray Christians among soccer hooligans.

This police brutality montage is accompanied by, you guessed it, a song. A song about being the ones still standing on the battlefield along the band of survivors with the heart of a warrior. Since the “Christians” in these snippets aren’t fighting back, the song sounds like it’s cheering on the police. The cheerful tune does nothing to make me think otherwise.

When the song finally ends we get to listen to Buckson talking over the footage, before cutting to his on the scene report of a bible burning in Washington DC. Well, I say book burning, but all the thrown books have really fake-looking bible-covers and clearly miss the fire. Aww, they didn’t even have the budget for some prop books to burn? That’s almost adorable.

Buckson, despite only being a convert since last evening does what commenters on the Slacktivist have been urging Buck Mk 1 to do for years. Right after he says how the whole world has been united in its hatred for Jesus Christ and Christians (remember viewers, that’s what all talk of unity and international cooperation is ultimately about), he goes off-script.

“I’m Bronson Pearl, and I always tell you the truth as I know it…”

Of course you do, World’s Most Trusted Man.

“…and I must tell the world that… you’re making a terrible, terrible mistake here. President Macaluso is not the Messiah. […] He is the embodiment of evil itself. He’s the one the bible calls the Antichrist. These bibles are not being burned because they promote hate. […] They are being burned because they tell the truth.”

Funny how his nameless (and line-less) cameraman just keeps filming like nothing’s wrong. Did Buckson warn him he was about to become an accessory to a capital offense?

But Buckson kind of screwed up here. His statement is caught in the twelve second delay. Though MacEvilton is so busy being shocked and ranting, despite him putting in the delay precisely because he didn’t trust Buckson, that he wastes 11 seconds. Cutting it close there.

Admittedly, that delay was explicitly kept secret from Buckson, so I can’t fault Buckson for not knowing that. But he might have held his rant more than 3 feet from the mob burning bibles behind him. The mob grabs him, and the Goony One tells the studio to hang on to the tape, smirking that he can make good use of it.

A for effort, F for execution, Buckson.

On day seven, we found out that the police pulled a damn hard night of work, because everyone is partying to celebrate that the haters have been arrested. They apparently exercise their blind seething hatred as quickly as they acquire it.

So W.N.N. shows us stock footage of people cheering, partying and dancing in the streets. I’ll leave it as a discussion for the comments whether showing real people and saying “Look at these vile smiling humans, cheering the brutal treatment of us poor RTCs” is more offensive than “Look at these foolish crying humans, suffering because they didn’t listen to us awesome RTCs”.

But I do want to go a little deeper in why these people, not as real people but as characters in this movie, are so happy and united with everyone except the haters. Buckson told us the whole world was united in hatred for Jesus Christ. But uniting people against a common enemy only gets you so far. The people of the world aren’t grudgingly putting their differences aside until their common foe is beaten. They think they already won, and now they are embracing the people they were waging a war of extinction with less than a week ago.

Jack van Impe never shut the fuck up about how the peace would fail, because it’s the Antichrist’s peace and he’s evil. I’ll ignore that the Antichrist never actually gets to betraying Israel in any of the four movies. But, as George “Mission Accomplished” Bush learned, a leader can’t just declare that the war is over and be done with it. That the Antichrist unites the world in peace is only possible because the people are letting themselves be united. In fact, they seem ecstatic about it. And they have no idea that the peace is only ruse, they really want to just be friends.

The movie juxtaposes the reporting on the worldwide peace and brotherhood with MacEvilton overlooking a group of captured RTCs being herded into lockup. But just showing the two things side by side isn’t the same as explaining that these two things are inexorably linked. Why are people suddenly extremely eager to be nice to others, except for a small group who’s elimination they cheer? If it was this easy to unite people, why didn’t it happen sooner? Hell, why didn’t god or Jesus do it themselves, only unite people against the devil’s lies of hate? Jesus had a lot more miracles under his belt during his time here than Franco, but he never accomplished this much.

The best I can think of is that all those non-RTCs are sinners, and they just can’t stand the presence of RTCs who’s righteousness reminds them of their own sinful nature. And similarly, the RTCs just couldn’t be united with sinners, they have to bring up their fellow man’s sinfulness all the time. Light can’t have fellowship with darkness.

If that is indeed the reason this movie has for all sinners easily being united against the RTCs, then this movie is essentially saying that Franco is correct. It’s the words of Jesus and the presence of RTCs that make people hateful and divided. Once they are gone, everyone else is happy and at peace. Add the fact that pre-conversion Helen and Buckson showed you can be perfectly nice despite being a sinner, which indicates the sinfulness of humans is only a problem for god (who is in no small part to blame for people being born sinful), then I state that if god truly loved us, he’d let us go. Just leave people alone, take a week out of your schedule and create a less hellish world to serve as afterlife. Taking this movie at face value, that would fix all the world’s problems.

Like Soon the writers set out to write a dystopian setting, a world of misery and suffering. But they  ended up writing a less compelling version of The ones who walk away from Omellas, featuring an utopian society that presumes it needs to make someone suffer to exist. It’s less compelling because the child, in this case the righteous remnant of RTCs, is in fact working to undermine the utopia, and could be accepted into the utopian society if they stop their sabotage and worship the Messiah. That doesn’t make the townspeople of Omellas right, but it does change the story significantly.

And when I read that second-to-last line again, I can’t see a difference with the deal that RTCs offer. God also promises paradise for all who will worship the REAL Messiah. And those who don’t? Eternal torment. That’s even worse than what the Antichrist has in store for his enemies. And that punishment is necessary, because god is just and the universe couldn’t function if humans who do not ask forgiveness for their sins weren’t tortured forever. Just trust god on this, your eternal bliss wouldn’t work otherwise. At least the people of Omellas believed that only one child needed to suffer for to ensure prosperous lives for the rest of them, not some three quarters of the population.

The only real difference between god’s deal and the devil’s is that the Antichrist’s paradise comes with a hidden trap. Those who take it are damned and will later suffer in hell. The Antichrist knows this, and he’s a certainly dick for not telling. But he’s not the one who’s actually sending those people to hell. That’s all god’s doing. The devil here does his best to trick as many people in the world into damnation, but god is fine with letting him do it and playing his part as the chief executioner.  I don’t see who I’m supposed to root for here.

Not that this movie isn’t its trying its damndest (pun intended) to show who we’re meant to root against. Hence we get Buckson, Helen and a bunch of other ‘haters’ being herded into, wait for it…



Cattle trucks. Yep, really. If they’d gotten permission to film in a train yard, they’d have stolen the carts from the set of Schindler’s List, I’m sure.

And the best part is, they aren’t used to transport the Christians anywhere. The guards throw them in, wait a bit, then take Buckson out again. Why? To convey that the Christians are suffering just as much as those poor Jews did in World War 2 of course. BTW, Jews are still Christ-killing satanists who’ll burn in hell.

Buckson and Helen are put in different carts. Buckson really wants to be locked into the cart with Helen, but he gets the fakest punch since Dolomite and a taser to the face for his trouble. MacEvilton and a goon (could be the Goony One, but the lighting and camera angles are crap) are looking on from a window above. The goon complains that there are so many haters it’s going to be hard to process them all. But MacEvilton has it covered.

“Maybe once they see their beloved Bronson Pearl executed on national television, they’ll realize that this is not a game”

Ah yes, because all the Christians in the world love Buckson ever since…. because of his…

Seriously, why would the Christians particularly care about Buckson? None of them know he’s on their side, because MacEvilton prevented his rant against Franco from broadcasting. The whole point of that was so Buckson couldn’t use his great influence as World’s Most Trusted Man against the Antichrist. And it worked, no one knows Buckson opposes Franco. But they will if you publicly execute him. Just make him disappear and blame his death on haters, you n00bs.

Helen and Buckson, despite being in separate carts, can talk to each other easily. Buckson tells how he opened his father’s grave and we get a pointless flashback to that moment. Helen says she spend the last three days praying for Buckson. Sounds like a classical “god, please let him realize I’m right and he’s wrong and stupid and smelly”-prayer. But don’t worry, it was only because she loves him so much she didn’t want him to miss out on god’s love.

Buckson holds a motivational speech for the other captives that’s part creepy and part noble.

“But no one is going to touch one hair on any one of our heads unless He allows it. And if He thinks that’s best, then so do I.”

Yeah, kinda death-culty. But at least he’s talking about his own life here, unlike Left Behind where the protagonists mostly mused on how necessary it was for all those others people to die to make way for paradise.

Buckson gets to put his new conviction to the test immediately as he’s dragged out to the noose, MacEvilton gloating by his side about how this will be the most watched broadcast of Buckson ever…

…when the live coverage of his execution is suddenly replaced by the footage of Buckson accusing Franco Macaluso from yesterday. MacEvilton completely loses his shit, like all B-movie villains do when their plans are ruined. And then we cut to the Goony One, who locked himself into the control room with the tape of Buckson’s report. And not stopping there, he then pops in the footage made with his tiny camera were MacEvilton was threatening Helen that everyone who doesn’t worship Franco will die and that people don’t realize they have a choice. And finally he pops in the Jack van Impe tapes we saw him retrieve from grandma’s house, broadcasting it to the whole world.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after an entire movie with shitty acting, shitty audio, shitty morals and a script that makes Left Behind look believable, but… I like this ending.

Really. After all the incompetence I’ve seen here and in other RTC fiction, this is a satisfying conclusion relying on properly set-up Chekhov’s guns. In fact, this twist ending is a step up from many secular works of fiction too, by giving the anonymous suited goon who sees all the evidence of his boss’s evil plans a mind of his own. The Goony One was listening in to all those arguments from Helen, so why wouldn’t he draw his own conclusions from them? Then he got his hands on the prophecy tapes to confirm it. And when he figured it out, he quietly gathered more proof in his capacity as MacEvilton’s goon.

And you know what else I like about his conversion? It happened quietly in the background. He converted because he came across clear proof. We didn’t have to listen to his daddy issues or face palm because he should have learned all this from his grandma, or suffer through a scene where he says that his education at Goon University has conditioned him to reject the gospel.

He just came to the realization that in this movie’s universe, the bible is true, the rapture just happened, the Antichrist will reign for seven years and he acted accordingly: Show the proof to the biggest possible audience and laugh at the rage of the Antichrist’s minions, thus ensuring you’ll be murdered. You’ll come back to earth with Jesus in seven years anyway, so why would you want live on earth under the Antichrist’s rule for seven years? Suicide is out if you want to get into heaven, so a high risk of getting caught and executed is a feature, not a bug.

Whew, I feel a bit nauseous giving this movie so much praise. Time for some last minute nitpicking to wash the taste out of my mouth.

Let’s see, back in the cattle trucks Helen assured Buckson that his plan failing doesn’t matter because god’s plan is better, so god gets the credit for The Goony One’s efforts. The Goony One is only separated from his angry coworkers by a glass window, surely they could break through that. The Jack van Impe footage is not appended with a message that this is footage from before the rapture, which makes it much less impressive. The extras depicting the audience watching this broadcast can’t act worth shit, so I only know some of them are converting because the camera zooms in on them and they aren’t booing unconvincingly like the people around them. There still aren’t any subtitles, even though this message is meant for the whole world.

And worst of all, most of the footage is Jack van Impe’s show, and all the meaningful zoom conversions happen when he’s speaking. We cut to someone trying to look awestruck, then show Jack van Impe talking prophecy. Zoom in on mesmerized convert, Jack, meaningful glance, Jack, someone trying to look like he’s deeply moved, Jack. It looks like they’re accepting Jack van Impe as their lord and savior. I bet our “Script Supervisor” supervised the script for this scene really closely, while covering a bulge in his pants.

And, fade to black. Wait, we don’t get to see what happens with our protagonists? Nope, just three more text screens, credits roll, the end.

Final verdict? Well, the protagonists are more likable than the norm for Christian fiction. They were often stupid, but at least they weren’t assholes. And the ending was surprisingly good. It’s rare that I feel like cheering the people RTC fiction wants me to cheer for.

But as decent as the human good guys are, their god is worse than ever. And where I have relatively little objection about the good guys, I do not appreciate how all the non-RTCs were written: As homicidal maniacs who can’t wait to murder RTCs in exchange for powers. You remember those non-Jewish people who hid Jews from the Nazi’s at great personal risk? Yeah, those people don’t exist here. Either you are an RTC or you want to kill RTCs.

Add to that the complete technical ineptitude, the amateur-hour performances, those trice-cursed songs and Jack van Impe ass-kissing so frequent and thorough that Jack doesn’t need to use toilet paper anymore…


This is the final shot of the movie.
I rest my case.


I can only recommend this if you’re looking for a laugh. But it’s still better than the Left Behind books.

PS: Why call this “Caught in the eye of the storm”? The eye of the storm is the least dangerous part to be in. And our protagonists were hit with the full force of the RTC persecution. The title is much more appropriate to Left Behind, where the protagonists were surrounded by terrible carnage afflicting other people while only suffering mild inconveniences themselves.


Posted on June 22, 2013, in Apocalypse: Caught in the Eye of the Storm, Guest Critique, Movies. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Headless Unicorn Guy

    So why not make it 10 years? Or give no ending date? As long as the treaty isn’t scheduled to end before he plans to betray the Israelis, it serves his purposes. So why stick to the prophesized seven years?

    In his continuing snark on Left Behind, Slacktivist postulated that the Antichrist is actually a drooling End Time Prophecy fanboy. (Probably even has every book Hal Lindsay ever wrote plus entire sets of Left Behind — including The Kids and the movies.) That actually explains a LOT of this type of thing.

  2. Maybe it’s called “Caught in the Eye of the Storm” just so that they can use the song. Also I’ve seen Christian movies. A good chunk of them do stick music in, at least the ones I’ve seen, in part to promote CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) artists. But then the Apocalypse movie seems more like a promotional vehicle for Jack Van Impe (who doesn’t really need a movie to act as a promotional vehicle) than any specific music artist.

  3. At least this peace isn’t being made between Israel and the New World Order of which it is a part — and, at that, after Israel has proved it has the military weight to do whatever it wants in the Middle East anyway.

    An expiry date on a peace treaty is a moderately unusual thing in itself. Nobody likes to say “we know perfectly well we’ll be going back to war”. I’m sure it’s not unprecedented, but it’s weird.

    Regarding 1Thess4:16-17 — why would Paul have written that bit about “the dead in Christ shall rise first” if he didn’t expect anyone to see it? I think it needs to be something more obvious, an RTC zombie plague or similar, that lasts a few hours before they’re whipped off. I don’t think anyone’s done that yet.

    (Oh, man. If I had a grandkid who was flirting with RTCism, I’d try really hard to bury a coffin with neatly-folded clothes and a copy of Principia Discordia.)

    • I guess the seven-year treaty derives from Daniel 9:27 – “And he shall confirm a covenant with many for one week …” in which (according to Scofield et al.) “he” means the Antichrist, “many” means just Israel, and “week” refers to an unspecified period of time but in this instance means a year.

      Prior to this, Daniel 9:25 talks about a period lasting “seven weeks, and threescore and two weeks”. According to Wiki, dispensationalists interpret these 69 weeks as years (360-day years specifically!), with a 2000-year gap between this period and the week described in verse 27, because everything between the Crucifixion and the Rapture is the “Church Age” which is totally boring so it doesn’t count. This shit makes my head hurt, and Monday mornings are tough enough already.

  4. This was fantastic, and I laughed out loud! I hope you go on to review the rest of the quadrilogy.

  5. Even the Soviets took a couple of years before the kulaks were good and properly demonized.

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roun€d Up, June 29, 2013 | The Slacktiverse

  2. Pingback: The End is Nearer: Updates for the Week of June 23-29 | Rapture Practice

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