Shadowed: Chapter 5: Big, Bad Ranold

Ranold’s home!

He was a beefy, jowly, red-faced man…

Yeah.  And here we are introduced to one of the leitmotifs of Shadowed: Ranold’s weight.

‘Scuse me…his beefiness.

As you may recall from previous Jenkins works, our beloved author has…perhaps a bit of an issue with weight.  Jenkins has been quite open about his own struggles with his weight, but that has never stopped him from displacing that hatred onto others.

Exhibit A: Poor, doomed Charlotte.  Who’s dead, but that’s okay, since she was both an atheist and plump.

Then there’s my favorite woobie, Leon Fortunato, another guy we know is big and beefy…since Jenkins constantly tells us so.

Then there are the characters we’re supposed to think are attractive: like 115-pound Hattie Durham and five-foot-seven, 125-pound Chloe Steele Williams (almost underweight, even by BMI standards).

So, watch for references to Ranold and his eating habits.  Trust me, they’re coming!

In the meantime, Jae is the worst double agent ever.

“Paul took the kids out.  They were getting squirrelly.”

Really, Jae?  REALLY???

Yup, that’s the best she can do.  Remind me again why she remained behind, instead of throwing her mother into the backseat and just going.

Ranold, bless his heart, buys this not at all…though for about ten seconds, he thinks it’s just Paul who flipped, not Jae.

But Jae soon proves herself with some crazy capitalization:

“You want to take arms against a Force that could wipe out over a billion men?”

“Are you going to tell me that the Person you’ve never believed in wins a battle, as you call it, of this magnitude, and you’re not ready to concede He exists?”

But Ranold is not one to be taken in by mere capital letters:

“I concede nothing.  I never give in, never give up.”

You go, Ranold!

I’m serious: Ranold is having the reaction we’ve always said is logical when faced with this genocidal maniac of a god: FIGHT HIS ASS.

Well, and fight Paul.  In which goal I am also behind Ranold 100%.

But Margaret is not.  And when Ranold threatens to turn in Jae, too, things quickly devolved into a screaming match.

At least until Margaret collapses.  Again.

“You killed her!” Jae screeched.  “Look what you’ve done!”

Sure, Jae, I’m sure this second collapse is entirely Ranold’s fault, and has nothing to do with Margaret’s son being dead less than two hours.

(Of course, Margaret has shown that she cares about Berlitz about as much as she cares about a dog she doesn’t like, so who knows…)

Her father’s face had frozen.  He rushed to his wife, whining, “Margaret, don’t!  We’ll talk this through!”

Whining.  His son is dead and his daughter is a traitor and his wife has just collapsed and Ranold is just so whiny, isn’t he?

Margaret has no pulse and so Ranold immediately begins CPR…which Jae is against.

“Daddy, don’t,” Jae said.  “Don’t.  She’s gone.”

Um, says who, Jae?  Your God?  Is this some kind of screwed up, can’t-accept-medical-assistance-because-it’s-against-God’s-will or something?

Or has there not been enough death tonight for you yet?

Hell, I give up.  On Jae and on understanding her.  She is every bit as sociopathic as her husband and her mother.

Ranold, in the throes of grief, plays the get-out-before-I-do-something-we’ll-both-regret card.  So, leaving her mother dead and her father sobbing, Jae heads out alone into the night.

Need I point out that all this could have been prevented had Paul and Jae just run off together and taken Margaret with them before Ranold got home?

Since Paul is trying to get through to the D.C. underground, Jae has to leave a message on his skull phone.

Yeah, these two are gonna be pros at being on the run.

Posted on January 17, 2015, in Shadowed. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. Wait, Ranold is supposed to be fat? Mind = blown.

    • Someone wanna tell Jenkins that you can be beefy and still be strong and one hell of a fighter? But then again, Jenkins clearly inspired the masterful debating skills of Conservapedia. Don’t believe me? Go to the page “Atheism and Obesity.” Remember fat and ugly people never have anything wise or insightful to say.

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        Guess that cuts out all those 400+ lb spheroid IFB preachers. (Combination of eating hearty in the Former Confederate States, church potlucks, and the custom that Pastor has to partake out of courtesy.)

        The image of the too-fat-to-walk preacher screaming from the pulpit about some Other (usually SEXUAL) SIN! is based on reality. I’ve seen a few in the labyrinth of YouTube.

        • Or the scene in Jesus Camp where the main indoctrinator, one Becky Fischer, tells the assembled children that too many adult Christians are “fat and lazy,” and who won’t do two- or three-day fasts because they are, yanno, too fat and lazy.

          Suffice it to say that Ms. Fischer is not a small woman.

        • I tried searching for “obese Christians” on that site but had no luck. I’m going to assume that Conservapedia believes that all obese Christian preachers are secretly closet atheists. I mean, who has ever heard of a fat Christian? Honestly….:eyeroll:

          Also, I searched both “Democrat” and “Democratic” on that site. To my surprise, it didn’t take me to a page called “The History of Communism.” It took me to their page on the Democratic Party. That’s progress of sorts. Granted I didn’t read it. Probably says things like “Democrats hobbies include devouring live babies and kittens, peeing on American Flags, burning Bibles, and hating all that’s good and holy.”

          The temptation to troll the living fuck out of that site is strong but there really is no point in it. It’ll get removed quickly, plus yeah, that site kind of trolls itself when you think about it. If you’re wondering, my idea of trolling Conservapedia would mostly be going to articles and inserting a sentence or two and seeing if anyone catches on. Something along the lines of going to their page on Reagan and typing things like “His tears once brought a dying puppy back to life” or “Jesus wishes he could be like Ronald Reagan when he grows up.” Because those sentences are so close to the actual content of that site, it’s barely satire.

          • I went to that site’s entry on Barack Obama once several years ago and found that their first line described him as “allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii”. Just checked it again, and apparently some slightly more rational person has removed the word “allegedly”… and replaced it with “reportedly”.

            As for the rest of the page… comment from my husband, looking over my shoulder: “if you are still unsure whether Barack Obama is the worst president ever, and also an awful human being, you are not the target audience for this page.”

      • Headless Unicorn Guy

        P.S. Is Conservapedia the site where entering in “Democrat” as a search string brings you directly to the “History of Communism” page?

  2. Gone and in Hell, unless she actually accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior rather than just going “It’s so awesome that your father loved you!” Not that her daughter, or the man whose useless hide she just saved, or anyone but poor Ranold, will ever care about that.

    • Yeah, to my mind, she’s not a Christian, because she doesn’t know enough about what she’s accepting to be one. She’s never even cracked open a Bible, that we know of. Her only exposure over the past 40-odd years has been Paul’s “manifestos” and Paul’s dad’s letter. Which I don’t consider Scripture, but maybe Jenkins does. 😛

      And even by Jenkins’ standard, it doesn’t seem she would be a good RTC and heaven-bound. She hasn’t come close to “making the transaction” like Jae did.

    • I dunno, she did pick up all the knowledge (and cognitive dissonance) that Jenkins’ characters always receive upon conversion. So she might have converted privately. I’ve never been really clear on whether or not Jenkins really needs the specific prayer said out loud. It’s a plus, certainly, but they never showed Chloe say it. She just kinda realized Rayford had been right all along (well, ever since he converted anyway) when Buck miraculously stalked her on the plane. Too bad that this isn’t Left Behind, so we won’t get a book set in heaven where we could confirm it.

      It would, of course, be even more horrible if she wasn’t though. Despite Jae’s screeching accusations, she just kinda dropped dead. God’s fingerprints are on this death much prominently than Ranold’s. It would imply that god is fine letting her come so close to converting and then letting her die just before she was actually saved.

  3. I get so tired of Christian Celestial Capitalization.

  4. If this series was written by a competent writer, Ranold would be the hero of the story. Unlike Paul and Jae and the other “heroes”, Ranold actually behaviors like a decent human being, and he’s not stupid either.

  5. That was the most random death ever. She was fine after her son died but an argument with her husband does her in immediately? Even episode 3’s “she lost the will to live” claptrap made more sense than this. At least padme had suffered physical trauma too. And it was her hubby who had just turned to the dark side, not she herself but I digress.

    And yes, jae deserves paul now. After god kills billions including her brother, she’s only upset that ranold isn’t giving
    god the respect he deserves. But when
    margret drops dead she’s screaching at her father that he killed his wife. “Look what you’ve done” indeed. How bout saying that to your god or hubby who did that deliberately a billion times just now, you sociopathic bitch.

  6. Ranold and Margaret, being atheists, are unschooled in the only mode of male-female relations that can ever work: “Woman, do what I tell you”.

    Ya know, the Nazis and the Communists killed millions too. And they had books that said how great they were, just like this one. Going purely on the evidence, there’s nothing to choose between them. “Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”

    One of the problems that Jenkins has, and I think it’s a genuine mental blind spot, is that he believes that his God is good and anything else is dangerously evil. That belief is not subject to any sort of rational discussion, but he has to pretend it is in order to make the just-like-you-dear-reader reason-your-way-into-God apologetics phase in each of these books come out sounding even vaguely positive.

    “I shouted at her. Your god put her into hell. Who’s worse?”

    • Yes, but you see, God here killed a billion (assuming what Jae said is remotely accurate). That means he has a better high score than Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, or any other Earthly dictator, so he gets to put his initials into the first place spot on the arcade machine. Of course, YHWH doesn’t fit since they’re usually limited to three letters so he just puts in ASS like everyone else.

      And remains perfectly accurate.

      • I have drawn a “like” button in texta under this comment on my screen, so that I can hit it once for every slaughtered innocent. You’d better go on ahead, I’ll be here for a while.

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for January 23, 2015 | The Slacktiverse

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