Saving Christmas, Part 2
Well, Kirk is no longer fooling around—he has gone out to the car to talk some sense into White Christian.
I like this part of the movie, because screenshots are a snap. Here’s what we see a lot of:
Chronically contracted forehead alert!
So White Christian dives right into his list of Christmas grievances:
- Kids get all bratty when they don’t get everything they want
- Everybody gets greedy
- Kids are all excited about their presents on Christmas morning, but have forgotten them before February
- All this money is wasted on food and forgotten presents, which could be spent helping people
- He also doesn’t like nativity scenes in snowglobes, which I didn’t even know was a thing (our nativity scene was out in the open every Wintermas (yup, in out secular home!)
For a second, Kirk looks like he’s agreeing, even returning White Christian’s terrorist fist bump!
But then he says:
“YOU’RE all wrong. About everything you just said.”
Yeah, White Christian! Screw feeding the hungry and helping the poor!
To top it all off…
“Everything you see inside there, it’s all about Christmas, it’s all about Jesus, and you’re spoiling the whole thing. Not just for your wife, but for everybody inside your house.”
Really? Because everybody seemed to be having a good time. As long as the hot chocolate keeps flowing, things seem pretty chill.
But Christian ignores this obvious guilt trip, and wants some FACTS, man, about how such a party as his “honors and glorifies Jesus.”
So Kirk starts with the nativity snowglobe. As would be natural.
See, White Christian hates the snowglobe, but he also doesn’t like that the snowglobe gets stuck in a corner.
Because nobody puts Jesus in a corner!
Kirk is all for the snowglobe!
Although, “to think that [the nativity set] is only valuable because Jesus is there misses a huge part of what’s going on.”
Oh, bear with Kirk here. Because the important thing about Christmas isn’t birth, it’s death. Bloody, violent death. Of babies.
“I want you to think of soldiers surrounding [the Holy Family]. You need to think of Herod’s soldiers moving through the streets, finding babies and murdering them. And mothers weeping for their children.”
What Kirk is talking about here, of course, is the Massacre of the Innocents, an event mentioned in only one of the four Gospels. It was just that important and historical, you see!
Then, more death! Kirk focuses in on the swaddling cloth:
“What is this swaddling cloth? Is it just a blanket for a baby?”
Doesn’t Kirk have a lot of kids? Doesn’t he know what swaddling does? No, Kirk, honey, it’s not just a blanket.
And it’s not a blanket to Kirk, either. The swaddling cloth is also representative of the burial cloths that Jesus busted out of.
Seems a bit of a stretch. I mean, I’m as atheist as anybody, but shouldn’t the nativity scene stand on its own without making it about Easter, too?
Why am I telling Kirk how to argue his points?
Eh, who cares? On to more death!
See, the Wise Men brought Jesus frankincense and myrrh.
“Those are burial spices. Why would they bring burial spices to a baby shower?”
Also, dude, depressing. More death for Christmas!
Naturally, this talk of death and depression completely blows White Christian’s mind:
“I gotta admit, I never saw the whole swaddling cloth thing.”
Eh, guess you’re just not as RTC-savvy as Kirk, WC.
Either that, or it’s a silly idea.
This is our pattern for the bulk of the rest of the movie: White Christian complains about something, Kirk comes up with a bizarre, convoluted explanation, and WC’s mind is blown.
I mean, in a weird way, it’s kinda refreshing for Kirk to be condescending to other Christians rather than atheists, but it’s still pretty obnoxious. And these are certainly the type of arguments that would only appeal to those who really (really, really) want to believe them.
Anyway, in order to provide a change of scenery, we cut back into the party, where Black Deandre has a bizarre conversation with another partygoer…about conspiracy theories…all tied to the War on Christmas. Fox News, Area 51, Halliburton, they all make appearances. Now, I can only assume that Kirk believes in the whole persecuted-Christian, War on Christmas thing. So is he just providing Deandre and Other Partygoer as more examples of Christians who have gone over the top?
Maybe. Or maybe they just found a way to add two and a half minutes to the screentime, BOOYAH!
Next time, Christmas trees! Because White Christian’s mood swings like a gorram pendulum.