Saving Christmas, Part 3

This DISCUSSION GUIDE that came with my DVD is hilarious.  Two pages on each issue covered in the movie, with handy questions.  For the snowglobe nativity issue:

If you had travelled to Bethlehem for Jesus’ birth, what gift would you have brought Him?  Why?

Well, geepers, I guess I should bring a funeral arrangement, since that’s what it’s all about.

What gift will you give Jesus this Christmas?

Funeral arrangement again.  Hey, these questions are easy!

On to an even easier subject: Christmas trees.

This is how this “story” works: White Christian complains, Kirk explains, WC’s mind is blown…then ONE SECOND later he comes up with a new complaint.

Much like Jesse in In the Spirit of…Christmas, White Christian has the memory of a goldfish.

“Christmas trees.  *chuckles*  News flash!  Christmas tree, not in the Bible.  Matthew Mark, Luke, John, Deuteronomy, did I miss it?  I miss Leviticus sometimes, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in there.”

Well, if Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Deuteronomy, and Leviticus are your whole Bible, then…you have a weird Bible.

Also, yeah, you totally missed Jeremiah!

(Okay, so there’s an argument to be made that this passage is talking about idols in general, not Christmas trees in particular, but it’s still gorram accurate—and fun!)

And White Christian doesn’t think Christmas trees are Christian!

“That’s a pagan…that’s a pagan idol symbol worshipping thingy.”

Hey, at least the stammering and stuttering and pauses add to the length, too!  Thirty minutes in and counting!

He brings up the Norwegians, too, which is pretty cool of him, and mentions the Winter Solstice, and that Jesus wasn’t born in December (when pressed by Kirk, WC can’t say when Jesus was born, but only “not December.”)

He’s probably more right about that than wrong.

Weirdly, this segues immediately into a discussion of Christmas traditions at Kirk’s house, and how he makes his kids wait at the top of the stairs until he and his wife have everything ready, then they get to barrel down the stairs all together until they fall down and cry and Christmas is ruined.  (Okay, maybe I made that last bit up.)

Speaking of, where are Kirk’s wife and kids?  He’s been hanging with his sister and his BIL, with his own wife and kids nowhere to be seen.  Strange family Christmas party…

Once again, just like with the how-many-poor-kids-could-we-have-fed issue, Kirk doesn’t answer the real question asked (about the pagan origins of Christmas trees).  Instead, he points out trees in the Bible—in Genesis!

Saving 8

 “The whole biblical story starts in a tree lot.”

Look, I know it may seem like I make this shit up sometimes, but I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.  This is a line that Kirk utters in all apparent sincerity!

See, there were trees in the Garden of Eden, “the Garden of Eden was FULL of trees,” and so…we have Christmas trees.

Indoors.  Decorated.

Because that makes WAY more sense than the idea that Christianity adopted an extremely common tradition from several different cultures of bringing trees and greenery indoors during the winter.

Sure, there were also “paradise trees,” which had apples on them because of the Garden of Eden, but those came waaaaaay later.  To put it bluntly, White Christian is absolutely right—the pagans were there first.

Now, if Kirk wants to tell himself this little story about the Garden of Eden and Christmas trees in order to make himself feel better, that’s one thing.  But this kind of logic just won’t fly with anyone…well, with anyone outside the confines of his brother-in-law’s van, probably.

“When God created the world, he filled it with trees.”

He also filled it with water, according to you, but I don’t see you turning your entire basement into a pool every year.

Though that would be AWESOME.

Oh, and “the early church had PLENTY of good reasons to celebrate the birthday of Jesus birthday on December 25th.”

And no, Kirk does not list any of these reasons.  He simply asserts that “it had NOTHING to do with the winter solstice.”

Sure, Kirk.  Because you say so.

Oh, and Jesus was hung on a cross (which Kirk suddenly begins calling a “tree”), so…

“…when you walk into a Christmas tree lot, I want you to see hundreds of crosses that will never be used because of Jesus’ finished work.”

So…wouldn’t that mean that we should have Christmas trees at Easter, not at Christmas?

And hey, more death and torture for Christmas!

Gee, I wonder if White Christian’s mind will be blown again!

“That’s pretty cool.

Just…I wasn’t…and I almost feel bad…I wasn’t looking closely enough at…I just didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t see that.”

Just…just including…the whole, really the whole quote thingy…to show you how, in this particular way, adding words and repeating…just repeating things adds time to your slim, your tiny…little show to make it a film…a feature film.

And THE VERY NEXT SENTENCE, White Christian is on to his next point:

“Santa Claus…in the Bible.”

silent night








Next time!

Posted on December 24, 2015, in Saving Christmas. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. So basically: “this word occurs in the bible, therefore the thing the word describes is a good thing to do”.

    Um, let’s say “in an approving context”, we don’t want the Wicked Bible all over again. But that still leaves the Song of Songs that is Solomon’s.

  2. Y’know Kirk, you don’t have to try to come up with a half-assed Bible explanation for everything. “Because it’s fun” is a perfectly valid explanation. It’s cold, dark, and gloomy outside but we’re going to feast and celebrate as a way of reminding ourselves that Winter’s not going to last forever. Eventually Spring will come again.

    And it’s not such a horrible thing that the early church refashioned Pagan holidays in an attempt to attract followers. It’s a basic fact of life: people like to feast and celebrate and they’d be more convinced to give your religion a try if you say, “Okay, you can still feast and celebrate but do it for Jesus, not Odin.”

    In fact, isn’t that basically what both Jesus and Paul did? They both spoke to their audiences using symbols and ideas that they would be familiar with (even :gasp: Pagan symbols) then used said ideas to show how “Okay, this is what God or Jesus is like.”

    Though I feel calling Kirk’s explanation “half-assed” is being entirely too generous. Couldn’t White Christian point out that since the Garden of Eden was located in Mesopotamia, then there probably weren’t evergreen trees in the Garden, so maybe they should be decorating fig or pomegranate trees?

  3. Genesis says god created everything, so litterally any damn thing you drag into your house on Christmas can be justified this way. “Oh no, god created the animal and plant mass that would be buried in Noah’s flood and turned instantly into petrochemicals which can be coverted into plastics. So my Christmas Dildo is perfectly biblical, you see?”

  4. inquisitiveraven

    Ruby, the link following the Jeremiah link isn’t working for me. All I get is a blank page. (Firefox v. 43.0.1 on Windows 7).

  5. inquisitiveraven

    Okay, now it’s working. I think I’m going to blame my mom’s router, which I will not be on again for several months. She’s got it set up to block certain types of website, although I wouldn’t have that site would fit any of the relevant categories.

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for December 25th, 2015 | The Slacktiverse

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