Saving Christmas, Part 4

Back to the DISCUSSION GUIDE, since it’s important to have breaks in such a heavy discussion, lest we get tired.

Where do you get your tree each year?

My closet.  And I have three of them.

Are there traditions that surround it?

Yes.  Trying to remember where I put the goddamn ornaments.

What do you think of Christian’s argument that [a Christmas tree] has more to do with the Winter Solstice that the Son of God?

It has a lot of merit.

With a challenge to let your light shine brightly this Christmas, who is one person you will be praying for and looking to share Christ with this season?

N/A.  Wait, does this blog count?

On to Santa Claus!

“That’s the guy, Santa, that’s OBLITERATED Jesus.  Jesus is GONE!  The reason for the season is Santa Claus!

S-A-N-T-A.  Rearrange the letters: Satan.  Santa, Satan, same letters.”

So it’s come to this.  Kirk Cameron thinks he has to combat Church Lady arguments.

But first he has to sing incorrect lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town!”

You better watch out
You better not pout
You better not cry
I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you are awake
He knows if you’ve been good or bad
So be good for goodness’ sake

Actual lyrics here.  (And sheesh, Kirk, I learned this in America’s evil secular public schools.  How do YOU not know this?)

White Christian even hilariously throws in the idea that Santa is “works based,” when he has already been saved by grace, gorrammit!

And that makes my Top Five lines for this movie.

By the way, it takes White Christian THREE AND ONE-HALF MINUTES to voice this concern.  Santa isn’t in the Bible and has become more important to the Christmas celebration than Jesus: three and a half minutes.  Holy crap, but they pad this piece of crap worse than anything I have ever seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Saving 9

Above is Kirk and Kirk’s Sister’s unemployed “Uncle Bill” as the world’s creepiest Santa.  I would not let my kid anywhere near this guy.

Hell, kids would probably be safer in the same room as this Santa:

Unsurprisingly, Kirk links Santa to St. Nicholas.  Well, perhaps not so unsurprisingly, because it’s probably the smallest leap Kirk has made in this movie.

Now, Saint Nicholas has some pretty cool stories surrounding him, including resurrecting murder victims and giving dowries to poor girls.  But Kirk decides to focus on one particular Nicholas story…in which he beat up a guy who believed differently than he did.

Merry Christmas, kids!

“The real Santa Claus was a real bad, bad dude.  And when I say bad, I mean bad in the good way.”

Ooo, Kirk, you’re so hip!

Cut to the scraggly old dude from the beginning.  Yeah, we’re all shocked that he turned out to be Santa All Along.

“There were leaders in the church who had begun to deny the deity of Christ. … Nicholas did not take kindly to those who wanted to reduce Jesus to a mere man.

He was a real man who fought for a real truth against a real enemy of the faith.”

Yup, and Kirk isn’t kidding—“not taking kindly” really does mean “beating down.”

“Leading the charge in this heresy was a bishop named Arias.  He was known as a charismatic and compelling speaker.”

And as we all know, the free exchange of ideas is just plain wrong.

(Bizarre fact: Arias is played by Other Partygoer, the conspiracy theorist from earlier.  And sitting by Arias’ side is Deandre!)

“He was travelling from region to region spreading his heresy like a plague, saying that Jesus was less than God.”

Or, as a normal person might say, “talking to people about his ideas.”

“The official record says that at a critical moment during the Council [of Nicaea], Nicholas put the heretic Arias to shame, not only by word, but also by deed, smiting him on the cheek.”

Now, slapping someone on the cheek is one thing, but what Santa does here goes…rather beyond that.  He bashes Arias’ head onto the table, drags him outdoors, and proceeds to beat the everloving…plum pudding out of him with a rod.

Saving 10

A right jolly old elf

Throughout the scene, modern “badass” music blares, letting us know that it’s a good thing to beat up those who disagree with you on religious minutiae.

Kirk confirms this:

“Truth was on the line and it was not the time for this pastor to go soft on truth or stay quiet for the sake of being politically correct.”

Well, that’s just adorable…because apparently what political correctness means is NOT beating someone for the crime of disagreeing with you.

The DISCUSSION GUIDE brings it all home:

…[Nicholas] did what many wouldn’t have the courage to do.  He was willing to fight—literally—for the Truth of Christ to be known.

Yeah, it takes a lot of courage to sucker punch a guy who’s totally unprepared, then beat the snot out of him.  What a hero.

Which brings me back to that line that caught my attention back at the beginning of this “movie”:

“The stories we hear and the stories we tell shape us.  They teach us how to live by showing us how to live.”

Kirk could have told any number of lovely stories about Nicholas—especially about his generosity towards the poor (which would surely have pleased White Christian, as this is one of his chief complaints about the season: not enough charity).  But out of a lifetime that got him sainted, Kirk focused on Nicholas beating a guy for the crime of disagreeing with him, complete with rousing soundtrack.  Merry Christmas, kids!  Go beat up some Jew or Muslim or Wiccan or atheist or anyone else who disagrees with you on a religious point!  That’s “courage.”  That’s fighting for truth.  That’s being “bad in the good way.”

Wasn’t Kirk the guy who said in front of the giant fireplace that religious infighting is bad for kids?  Guy sure changed his tune in a hurry.

Once again, White Christian’s mind is blown!

“Santa is the man!”

Hey, y’know what we haven’t had in…well, about two minutes?  Some pointless time-wasting to pad out the film!  So after declaring Santa to be the man (and because Kirk has no more “points” he wants to make), White Christian hems and haws for OVER THREE MINUTES about what a jerk he’s been, before heading back into the house for the slide into home plate the tree, followed by the dance finale.

Tomorrow.  Christmas Day.  Or…

Merry Christmas, Ricky.



Posted on December 24, 2015, in Saving Christmas. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Oh wow, the guy said that Jesus was god’s son and not somehow god himself yet distinct from god and also an undefined holy spirit but also distinct from that? How horrible!

    • So much of religious history can be summed up as, “They believe slightly different things about our mystical Sky Daddy?! Let’s kill them!”

      • I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

        “Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.

        “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

        “Like what?”

        “Are you religious?”

        He said: “Yes.”

        I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”


        “Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”


        “Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”


        “Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

        “Baptist Church of God.”

        “Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

        “Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

        “Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

        He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”

        I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

  2. Kirk explains how his religious beliefs are the result of a committee, and Arius is a heretic because the committee voted his ideas down. If Arius had prevailed, Kirk would think Nicholas was the heretic who attacked a saint. Such a deep faith.

    • “There were leaders in the church who had begun to elevate Christ to a deity. … Arius did not take kindly to those who wanted to worship Jesus as a god. Leading the charge in this heresy was a bishop named Nicholas. He was known as a short-tempered and violent thug.”

      But of course such words are foolishness. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia. Um, that is to say, Christians have always believed in the divinity of Jesus.

  3. Big, bad, Nicholas of Smyrna,
    Baddest dude in the whole calendar.

    And of course there’s that video Fred posted a while back: .

    Though a few years ago there was a plan for one of the new Russian missile submarines to be called Svyatitel’ Nikolai, which I rather liked. He travels around the world without being seen, bringing presents to all the good little boys and girls…

  4. “Wasn’t Kirk the guy who said in front of the giant fireplace that religious infighting is bad for kids? Guy sure changed his tune in a hurry.”

    Oh, no, can’t you see it’s clearly the other guy’s fault for spreading his wild, heretical ideas. Arius should have listened to his betters like the future sainted Nick.

    • Religious infighting is bad for the kids. But if the other guy is obviously wrong, then he’s not really part of your religion, therefore it’s not infighting. You should only hang out with people who believe exactly like you do, and beat up everyone else. It’s the spirit of Christmas!

    • Infighting is bad. Voicing any disagreement with my position is infighting and you should stop it. Think of how wonderfully peaceful it is if you just agree with me on everything.

  5. Happy Wintermas!

    Happy Whatever You Prefer To Celebrate If You Do At All, everyone!

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for January 1st, 2016 | The Slacktiverse

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