Saving Christmas, Part 4
Back to the DISCUSSION GUIDE, since it’s important to have breaks in such a heavy discussion, lest we get tired.
Where do you get your tree each year?
My closet. And I have three of them.
Are there traditions that surround it?
Yes. Trying to remember where I put the goddamn ornaments.
What do you think of Christian’s argument that [a Christmas tree] has more to do with the Winter Solstice that the Son of God?
It has a lot of merit.
With a challenge to let your light shine brightly this Christmas, who is one person you will be praying for and looking to share Christ with this season?
N/A. Wait, does this blog count?
On to Santa Claus!
“That’s the guy, Santa, that’s OBLITERATED Jesus. Jesus is GONE! The reason for the season is Santa Claus!
S-A-N-T-A. Rearrange the letters: Satan. Santa, Satan, same letters.”
So it’s come to this. Kirk Cameron thinks he has to combat Church Lady arguments.
But first he has to sing incorrect lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town!”
You better watch out
You better not pout
You better not cry
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you are awake
He knows if you’ve been good or bad
So be good for goodness’ sake
Actual lyrics here. (And sheesh, Kirk, I learned this in America’s evil secular public schools. How do YOU not know this?)
White Christian even hilariously throws in the idea that Santa is “works based,” when he has already been saved by grace, gorrammit!
And that makes my Top Five lines for this movie.
By the way, it takes White Christian THREE AND ONE-HALF MINUTES to voice this concern. Santa isn’t in the Bible and has become more important to the Christmas celebration than Jesus: three and a half minutes. Holy crap, but they pad this piece of crap worse than anything I have ever seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Above is Kirk and Kirk’s Sister’s unemployed “Uncle Bill” as the world’s creepiest Santa. I would not let my kid anywhere near this guy.
Hell, kids would probably be safer in the same room as this Santa:
Unsurprisingly, Kirk links Santa to St. Nicholas. Well, perhaps not so unsurprisingly, because it’s probably the smallest leap Kirk has made in this movie.
Now, Saint Nicholas has some pretty cool stories surrounding him, including resurrecting murder victims and giving dowries to poor girls. But Kirk decides to focus on one particular Nicholas story…in which he beat up a guy who believed differently than he did.
Merry Christmas, kids!
“The real Santa Claus was a real bad, bad dude. And when I say bad, I mean bad in the good way.”
Ooo, Kirk, you’re so hip!
Cut to the scraggly old dude from the beginning. Yeah, we’re all shocked that he turned out to be Santa All Along.
“There were leaders in the church who had begun to deny the deity of Christ. … Nicholas did not take kindly to those who wanted to reduce Jesus to a mere man.
He was a real man who fought for a real truth against a real enemy of the faith.”
Yup, and Kirk isn’t kidding—“not taking kindly” really does mean “beating down.”
“Leading the charge in this heresy was a bishop named Arias. He was known as a charismatic and compelling speaker.”
And as we all know, the free exchange of ideas is just plain wrong.
(Bizarre fact: Arias is played by Other Partygoer, the conspiracy theorist from earlier. And sitting by Arias’ side is Deandre!)
“He was travelling from region to region spreading his heresy like a plague, saying that Jesus was less than God.”
Or, as a normal person might say, “talking to people about his ideas.”
“The official record says that at a critical moment during the Council [of Nicaea], Nicholas put the heretic Arias to shame, not only by word, but also by deed, smiting him on the cheek.”
Now, slapping someone on the cheek is one thing, but what Santa does here goes…rather beyond that. He bashes Arias’ head onto the table, drags him outdoors, and proceeds to beat the everloving…plum pudding out of him with a rod.
A right jolly old elf
Throughout the scene, modern “badass” music blares, letting us know that it’s a good thing to beat up those who disagree with you on religious minutiae.
Kirk confirms this:
“Truth was on the line and it was not the time for this pastor to go soft on truth or stay quiet for the sake of being politically correct.”
Well, that’s just adorable…because apparently what political correctness means is NOT beating someone for the crime of disagreeing with you.
The DISCUSSION GUIDE brings it all home:
…[Nicholas] did what many wouldn’t have the courage to do. He was willing to fight—literally—for the Truth of Christ to be known.
Yeah, it takes a lot of courage to sucker punch a guy who’s totally unprepared, then beat the snot out of him. What a hero.
Which brings me back to that line that caught my attention back at the beginning of this “movie”:
“The stories we hear and the stories we tell shape us. They teach us how to live by showing us how to live.”
Kirk could have told any number of lovely stories about Nicholas—especially about his generosity towards the poor (which would surely have pleased White Christian, as this is one of his chief complaints about the season: not enough charity). But out of a lifetime that got him sainted, Kirk focused on Nicholas beating a guy for the crime of disagreeing with him, complete with rousing soundtrack. Merry Christmas, kids! Go beat up some Jew or Muslim or Wiccan or atheist or anyone else who disagrees with you on a religious point! That’s “courage.” That’s fighting for truth. That’s being “bad in the good way.”
Wasn’t Kirk the guy who said in front of the giant fireplace that religious infighting is bad for kids? Guy sure changed his tune in a hurry.
Once again, White Christian’s mind is blown!
“Santa is the man!”
Hey, y’know what we haven’t had in…well, about two minutes? Some pointless time-wasting to pad out the film! So after declaring Santa to be the man (and because Kirk has no more “points” he wants to make), White Christian hems and haws for OVER THREE MINUTES about what a jerk he’s been, before heading back into the house for the slide into home plate the tree, followed by the dance finale.
Tomorrow. Christmas Day. Or…
Merry Christmas, Ricky.