Saving Christmas, Part 5
In an ironic twist, I was right! I am posting the last part of Saving Christmas on garbage day!
How fitting. Har.
So White Christian arrives back at his own front door, and with Kirk gesturing like he has just HEE-ALLLED him by the POWER of JAY-SUS, White Christian does a running bellyflop onto his own marble floor and into the pile of presents under the tree.
As seen here:
As he is sprawled there on the floor, Voiceover Kirk helpfully advises White Christian to see the gifts…
“…like a city skyline. Imagine the new Jerusalem, a heavenly city whose builder and architect is God, and the wall of the city was adorned with all kinds of precious stones.”
Okay, now you’re really stretching, Kirk. Like, even more than before.
JUST SAY YOU WANT A LOT OF PRESENTS!!! I WON’T JUDGE!
Truly, a city made by God himself.
Then, remembering all the stuff about Santa being tougher than Chuck Norris, White Christian takes a flying leap onto Creepy Uncle Bill’s Santa couch…and gets a bunch of pictures taken with him.
Hey, it eats up some more screentime!
Then White Christian blunders over and gazes at the infamous nativity snowglobe. Then he sees a GIANT Nutcracker, and mentally turns it into one of Herod’s soldiers. Because nutcrackers didn’t have any Christmas meaning until White Christian turned one into a Herod Soldier.
Voiceover Kirk even adds:
“We need to make traditions of our own. We need to infuse old symbols with new meaning.”
WAIT ONE SECOND, MISTER CHRISTMAS PANTS!!!
Didn’t you just spend forty minutes telling us that all these old symbols already HAD old meanings? That nothing about Christmas was co-opted from anybody else and all of this was God’s idea to begin with?
Damn. Kirk just admitted that he’s been bullshitting us this entire time. I mean, we knew that, I just didn’t expect him to ADMIT it.
Then White Christian remembers that he’s married. He struts into the kitchen and sorta apologizes to Kirk’s sister (though the actual words “I’m sorry” don’t leave his lips). Then he says he wants to “give you something I’ve been wanting to give you for a long time.”
Nope. It’s not even a kiss, because people don’t kiss people TO WHOM THEY ARE NOT GODFULLY WED in a Kirk Cameron movie, gorammit!
Nope, what he wants to give his wife is a dance party.
So, for another FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES, the guests dance in the gigantic foyer of the White Christian house. I would say that the dancing is choreographed, but generally choreographed dances are in time with the music. I wouldn’t care if this was presented as if it was an impromptu thing, but clearly people have been practicing—the teens dance in rows with the same moves, so apparently they meant this to look good.
Deandre directs the party in singing and (trying) to bop along with the beat. And I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that he is the Black Partygoer.
Then it’s time to eat.
Yup, I’ve watched Kirk Cameron serve hot chocolate, sit in a car, and *snicker* dance. Now I get to watch him eat a meal!
“Pull out your best dishes, your finest linens, your nicest silverware, the biggest ham.”
He makes it sound like the ham is in storage in the attic, too.
“Every side dish you can possibly imagine, and the richest butter.”
Just makes me think of White Christian’s complaint at the beginning, that with all the money spent on decorations and that monstrous ham, how much charity could be done? I mean, geez, just get the second-richest butter and feed a few orphans, is all I’m saying.
Also, as Jenny said after Part 3, why doesn’t Kirk just say that he wants to have a feast, without all this stretching for biblical explanations? Just eat some gorram food because you want to eat some gorram food, Kirk! Once again, I promise I won’t judge! (I’m hardly in a position to judge—I was “making rather merry yesterday” and didn’t get a chance to post!)
And then…I can hardly believe it, but there is drinking in this RTC movie!
I wonder what kind of sanctions Kirk will be subject to for this?
Anyway, Kirk has a response for the haters who might start whining about materialism and silly concerns like those:
“…remember, this is a celebration of the eternal god taking on a MATERIAL body. So it’s right that our holiday is marked with material things.”
Not nearly as much of a stretch as making a pile of video games and socks into the New Jerusalem, Kirk, but that’s still reaching.
Two more mentions of the sainted (invisible) hot chocolate, and Kirk is out with a wink. (Yeah, he winks at the camera. Gross.)
But wait! We still need ten more minutes to get to feature length!
So we end this on a credits-and-outtakes sequence that lasts over ten minutes.
Feature Length Achieved!
It truly is a Wintermas miracle.