TEC: Chapter 30: Rio de Conspiracy

With a clear plan to confirm Murphy’s wild conspiracy speculations, we now check in with The Seven (TSAN!) during their planning meeting.

This time, they’ve opted to meet in Rio, which is cool.  What’s not cool is the way the story manages to contradict itself immediately:

John Bartholomew thinks that Rio is a great city to meet in because it’s “one of the most crowded cities in the world.”

Then he thinks how nice it was of Señor Mendez to book them a huge villa at Copacabana Beach, “a secluded spot where they would be alone.”

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Then he thinks how funny it is that they’ll be planning to “destroy Christianity, the rule of law, and set the stage for the Anti-Christ in the shadow of Corcovado Mountain with the giant Christ the Redeemer Statue on top.”

Okay, admittedly, that is fairly bad-ass.

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Or it would be, if they were actually DOING something instead of once again hitting the planning phase of the…plan.  Man, three books in, and they’re still going over hard-copy (REALLY???) to-do lists of their nefarious schemes.

Admittedly, it is hilarious the way they talk about their plans.  I kinda like these planning stages, just for the way they phrase things:

“We have begun to plant the suggestion into the minds of key UN leaders to consider moving the United Nations organization from the United States to Babylon in Iraq. … Rebuilding Babylon will bring back Arab pride and give them all something to focus their energy on. … The United States would still have to support the UN or be accused of being Arab-phobic.”

I wonder if LaPhillips are speaking from experience with this whole weird accusations-of-being-“Arab-phobic” thing.

BECAUSE MAYBE THERE WERE MORE ARABS!

(I’ll never get tired of that line.)

Then they talk about their plans for wars and rumors of wars:

“We have begun a plan to create a crisis between India and Pakistan. … We have already started stirring up the North Koreans over the nuclear issue.”

I’d love to know how they’re actually accomplishing this.  I have a feeling they’re just taking credit for what’s already happening.

Then they talk about trade and it’s just as boring as talking about trade always is.

Then they get to the smallpox and anthrax attacks they’re planning, which also sound like a bad-ass way to spread panic, but once again, we’re given no details.

Then on to the stock market.  Zzzzzzzz…

Okay, now the fun stuff:

“We will infuse money into the Americans’ next presidential election.  Our plan is to support those candidates who are more liberal and socialistic in their thinking.”

Because we all know that those eeeevil libruls are but a step from the Anti-Christ himself!

Oh, and then they have this bizarre sub-plan to set a bunch of fires.  Yes, actual fires.  So that…firefighters will be kept busy, or something:

“The plan is to cause erosion problems, which will lead to increased runoff, mudslides, and flooding.  Hopefully this will damage crops, structures, and transportation.”

Everyone nodded in agreement.  The plan sounded wonderful to them.

If you say so, man.

On to the religion plans!

“We will begin funding various religious leaders and also begin to call for all faiths to unite.”

“We’ll fund individuals and also work to bring everyone together equally!  This is sure to work!”

“We will push for the universal brotherhood of man.”

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“We will support and encourage the homosexual community.”

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“Those who oppose them will be ridiculed, threatened, punished.  We can do this by instituting legislation that will take away critical tax advantages for churches and religious organizations.”

It’s hilarious that this would qualify as threatening or punishing.  Still, the tax idea?  Nice.  I approve.

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“Any who oppose our plan can be accused of hate speech and jailed for nonconformity.”

Jailed for nonconformity?  Are they for real?  This is what LaPhillips think American secularists are into?  Jailing people for nonconformity?

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Man, American Christians have it so tough, don’t they?  In a novel written by two RTCs, fictional villains talk about the possibility of jailing people…for nonconforming thoughts on gay rights.  No wonder preachers are constantly prepping their flocks for persecution.

Oh, and The Seven (TSAN!) end the meeting saying it will all come together if Talon does his job.  Which I wouldn’t bank on, given how he still hasn’t even managed to kill Murphy, a man who takes zero precautions whatsoever with his own safety and security.

Damn, looks like the atheist-theosophical-UN-librul-LGBT-Catholic-feminist-socialist-Arab-forest-fighting worldwide conspiracy is screwed.

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Posted on May 29, 2016, in The Europa Conspiracy. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Wow, that’s 3 chapters in a row of conspiracy theories of how everyone LaHaye doesn’t like is all in cahoots with each other for the sole purpose of destroying Christianity. Let’s see, who have we got here: The New World Order, IVF doctors, irrelevant New Age cults, Nazi’s, abortion proponents, the UN, North Korea, Liberal policitians, small-scale saboteurs, all other religious leaders, peace activists, homosexuals… did I miss anyone?

    “The plan is to cause erosion problems, which will lead to increased runoff, mudslides, and flooding. Hopefully this will damage crops, structures, and transportation.”

    Everyone nodded in agreement. The plan sounded wonderful to them.

    Why? What is this even doing to support their evil cause? Seriously LaHaye, you’re not the first conspiracy theorist to claim that just about every group known to man is working together on something nefarious, but at least try to draw some coherent connections.

    For example, if you’re going to provoke a possibly nuclear war in the muslim world, how are you simultaniously going to convince everyone that they should totally move the UN to a relatively nearby muslim nation? And why do you think it’s a good idea to get your Liberal stooges elected while also plotting to wreck the economy and infrastructure, which your pawns will take all the blame for?

  2. That the authors list advocating for “the brotherhood of man” alongside starting forest fires, jailing their critics and stirring up a nuclear crisis tells you all you need to know, really.

  3. Oh, hey, hi Seven (TSAN!), I wasn’t sure you were still in this what with the Evil Theosophy Conspiracy taking over everywhere. (Of course in LaHayeLand you’re all the same, but even so.)

    One could justify that contradition by saying, well, we’ve all been mingling with the crowds to make us really hard to follow, but now we’ve all arrived at the meeting point. But a plutocratic conspiracy doesn’t mingle with the crowds; it has smoked-glass limos and endless decoys.

    “Yes, fellow member of a hugely powerful conspiracy to destroy the world, I need to explain to you that we’re supporting the liberal and socialistic candidates – after all, we had vastly more success at reducing respect for Christianity when we boosted the loony Republican right.”

    Yeah, I don’t see why a church needs any more tax advantage than a charity. Its non-charitable bits can pay tax like any other business or organisation.

    Presumably “the Brotherhood of Man” is code for something, and I’m guessing it’s not 1970s disco music.

    “Talon has failed too many times. So we’ve laid a trail of Evil Theosophist Conspiracies that only a fool would follow, leading directly to Lake Karachay. And if that fails, we detonate the isis-bot.”

    • An Isis bot would explain the change from frumpy librarian via attractive woman dressing modestly to Straight up supermodel.

      Sure, the Seven (TSAN!) could’ve made an exact replica of Isis. But they decided to face some money and just slap a 4g chip and a link to Wikipedia on one of their default sex bots. It’s not like Murphy ever payed enough attention to Isis to tell the difference. He only ever cared about mooching off her connections and knowledge. And the increasing sexyness of the wonen around he writes off as the natural order of things. Only the hottest women for our hero!

      • Face=save. My New phone has a nasty auto correct I need to fix.

      • I’ve been assuming the appearance change is in Murphy’s mind. “This woman is now fair game for me. Therefore she must be tremendously attractive.” Everything else in Murphy’s life is about Murphy (sometimes including that manifestation of Murphyness that he calls “God”), so why not this?

    • I just thought of something! Okay, it’s probably not what they meant, but “a brotherhood of man” are lyrics in John Lennon’s “Imagine,” and RTCs hate that song with a fiery passion. (Jenkins even snidely includes it at the front of Soon!)

      COINCIDENCE???

  4. Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

    Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.

    Never mind that, I wish complain about this end time prophecy I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

    What’s wrong with it?

    I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It refers to Babylon as a major world power. That’s what’s wrong with it.

    Remarkable city, Babylon. Lovely sun-dried bricks with black bitumen.

    The bricks don’t enter into it. The city is gone. It hasn’t been of any importance in thousands of years.

    It’s only resting.

    Only resting, is it? Very well, let’s check the news for any mentions of Babylon’s importance.

    There! That article mentions Babylon!

    That’s not news, that’s a review of the book you wrote to publicize your conspiracy theories.

    But people bought my book, that means Babylon is important.

    No, it doesn’t. I took the liberty of examining the matter and I discovered the only reason the original author of the prophecy even mentions Babylon is because he was talking about the Roman Empire, but couldn’t say so directly since the Roman Empire was still powerful at the time.

    Of course it means the Roman Empire. The Roman Empire is also going cause the end of the world.

    The Roman Empire doesn’t exist anymore either.

    No no, see, the European Union is actually the Roman Empire and they are going to move the United Nations headquarters to Babylon and rebuild it so that the prophecy can be fulfilled.

    Rebuild it?! What kind of talk is that? If the only way for your prophecy to come true is by having people go out of their way to artificially fulfill the conditions, then it’s not much of a prophecy, is it?

    God works in mysterious ways.

    Mysterious ways!? Look, I know a series of rationalizations when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now! The city of Babylon is no more. It has ceased to be. If you and your kind didn’t keep bringing it up, it would be a topic of conversation limited to museums. It lies in ruins. It is buried by the sands of time. Its inhabitants have moved on. Its political processes are of interest only to historians. Its days of glory have passed. It is an ex-city!

    Well I better amend the prophecy then.

    If you want to get anything done in this country, you’ve got to complain until you’re blue in the mouth.

    Sorry guv, we’re all out of accurate information on current world affairs.

    I see, I see…

    But I do have an artificially inseminated Romanian girl.

    Is she going to cause the end of the world?

    Actually, yes. Turns out the end of the world is really convoluted.

    No, I’m sorry. I’m not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further. I think this is getting too silly.

    *A colonel enters*

    Quite agree, quite agree. Silly, silly, silly. Right. Get on with it. Get on with it!

    • I think you just won about 42 internets.

    • May I have the honor of presenting you with this shiny, gold-plated internet?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy

      No no, see, the European Union is actually the Roman Empire and they are going to move the United Nations headquarters to Babylon and rebuild it so that the prophecy can be fulfilled.

      Bulldozing seven artificial hills on the site of Babylon to make sure the Prophecy is fulfilled in detail…

  5. They’re really going out on a limb suggesting a conflict between India and Pakistan. It’s not like it’s been going on since 1947 or anything. What’s next – strife between Roman Catholics and Protestants in Ulster or really stretching it and trying to engineer a falling out between Shia and Sunnis?

  6. Headless Unicorn Guy

    I noticed this Conspiracy hits EVERY hot-button talking point of RTC Near-Future Persecution Dystopias. (“It’s Prophesied! It’s Prophesied!”) All that’s missing is the plan to embed chips in everyone’s foreheads and right hands.

    But then, didn’t an eariler book in this series have the bad guys ignoring actual threats to concentrate on “The Real Enemy — Born-Again Bible-Believing Evangelical Christians!”?

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for June 3rd, 2016 | The Slacktiverse

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