Monthly Archives: June 2016

TEC: Chapter 31: MOAR Conspiracies

My mom asked me what I was doing with the blog right now, and I tried to explain some of Michael Murphy’s “ideas.”  This was her take on the whole thing:

“So they think the AntiChrist is going to be some kind of Nazi vampire?  Because I think being a Nazi vampire would make sense if you were the AntiChrist–you could do a lot of the work for yourself.”

Makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve read so far!

Anyway, you’d think, after three chapters of this, that we’d be done with RTC conspiracy theories.  But nope–time for more to pile up!

But first, a look at what makes The Perfect RTC Wife-to-Be:

Murphy looked up at Isis as she read, studying her face for a moment.  There was no question she was beautiful.  Her sparkling green eyes and red hair were striking.

It is a rule in this book that green eyes shall always be referred to as “sparkling“…whether those eyes belong to Isis…or Shari.  In Chapter 6, Murphy wishes he could “drown in [Isis’s] sparkling green eyes.”  And in Chapter 1, Murphy observes Shari’s “sparkling” green eyes, too.

Actually, since Shari has black hair, I guess Isis is a Significant Green-Eyed Redhead.

But there’s more!

She was smart, well-read, and could hold her own in almost any conversation.

“Her fine mind and ability to handle herself are the reasons I never tell her anything and don’t allow her to participate in discussions that are Man Talk!”

She was fun to be with and was not afraid to try things that were new and different.

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a time when Murphy and Isis had fun together.  Sure, she tries things that are new and different…if you count the fact that she constaly puts her career on the line to secure funding for the pseudo-boyfriend whose success rate is only 50%.

She was independent and at the same time seemed to need his strength.

“She’ll probably be able to submit with little to no trouble!”

So in the continuation of Murphy and Isis’s constant fun-having, she fills him in on some of the genealogy of the future AntiChrist: in an act of research that is pretty shocking, Dr. Anderson found out that the AntiChrist’s egg donor’s mother AND the AntiChrist’s inseminated mother’s mother were both prostitutes.

Oh, and the father of the inseminated mother was a “Gypsy chieftain,” allowing Murphy to observe that Gypsies “are well-known for fortune-telling” and into lots of scams.  Raise your hand if you’re surprised that, on top of everything, Murphy is anti-Romani.

Murphy observes this of Alfred Meinrad, the sperm provider for the AntiChrist:

“He was a scientist and had a Ph.D. in astrophysics and a second Ph.D. in microbiology.  He was a very outspoken atheist and evolutionist.”


(Oh, and I wonder if Murphy might just be a teensy bit jealous of the good doctor, who has one more Ph.D. than our favorite adventurer.)

So the AntiChrist is descended from whores and god-deniers.  Whereas last time they made an AntiChrist, he was descended from not one, but TWO homosexuals.

Wonder which of their Most Hated Humans LaJenkins will use next time?

And the hits just keep on coming, as the truth comes out, to the shock of all: the AntiChrist’s ancestors have SPOOKY NAMES.

I’m serious.  We spend a page on this.  Spooky names.

“Michael, Michael!  Listen!” Isis exclaimed, reviewing the genealogy.  “You know that I can read and speak many languages.”

“Sure.  I know that.”

As do we all.

“Look at these names.  Zigana Averna: Zigana is Hungarian for ‘gypsy’ and Averna is Latin for ‘queen of the underworld.’

So “speaking many languages” means “knowing the meaning of every given name and surname in that language,” eh?

“Mariana Yakov: Mariana is Russian for ‘rebellious’ and Yakov is Russian for ‘supplanter’–one who takes the place of another.

I’m not sure which is sadder: that Isis thinks that Murphy doesn’t know the meaning of the word “supplanter,” or that she thinks Bible scholar Murphy doesn’t know the history of the name JACOB.

“Keres Mazikeen: Keres is Greek for ‘evil spirits’ and Mazikeen is Jewish for ‘elf like beings who can change shapes.’

“Alfred Meinrad: Alfred is Italian for ‘counselor to the elves,’ and Meinrad is German for ‘strong advisor.’

Holy shit.  Alfred Meinrad is the most bad-ass name ever.

“Carmine Anguis: Carmine is Latin for ‘crimson’ and Anguis is Latin for ‘dragon.’

“Kala Matrinka: Kala is Egyptian for ‘black’ and Matrinka is Egyptian for ‘divine mother.’

“And finally Calinda Anguis: Calinda is Latin for ‘fiery’ and Anguis is Latin for ‘dragon.’

From all this, Isis now concludes that the situation is “really spooky” and “scary.”

This is coming from a woman named ISIS.  Who got teased for that name as a kid.  And she thinks other people’s names are spooky.

This is also the author of the book, congratulating himself that the names he chose for his characters are spooky and scary.

But how does that work in the world of the book?  Did the Friends of the New World Order scour the globe for a family with appropriately-spooky names?  Did God put the ideas for spooky names into the parents’ heads so the AntiChrist would be spooky enough?

Regardless, it’s all SPOOKY, eh?

And we all know how easily Isis is spooked.

Woman that she is.  Who needs Murphy’s strength.  To fight the spooky names.