TEC: Chapter 31: MOAR Conspiracies

My mom asked me what I was doing with the blog right now, and I tried to explain some of Michael Murphy’s “ideas.”  This was her take on the whole thing:

“So they think the AntiChrist is going to be some kind of Nazi vampire?  Because I think being a Nazi vampire would make sense if you were the AntiChrist–you could do a lot of the work for yourself.”

Makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve read so far!

Anyway, you’d think, after three chapters of this, that we’d be done with RTC conspiracy theories.  But nope–time for more to pile up!

But first, a look at what makes The Perfect RTC Wife-to-Be:

Murphy looked up at Isis as she read, studying her face for a moment.  There was no question she was beautiful.  Her sparkling green eyes and red hair were striking.

It is a rule in this book that green eyes shall always be referred to as “sparkling“…whether those eyes belong to Isis…or Shari.  In Chapter 6, Murphy wishes he could “drown in [Isis’s] sparkling green eyes.”  And in Chapter 1, Murphy observes Shari’s “sparkling” green eyes, too.

Actually, since Shari has black hair, I guess Isis is a Significant Green-Eyed Redhead.

But there’s more!

She was smart, well-read, and could hold her own in almost any conversation.

“Her fine mind and ability to handle herself are the reasons I never tell her anything and don’t allow her to participate in discussions that are Man Talk!”

She was fun to be with and was not afraid to try things that were new and different.

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a time when Murphy and Isis had fun together.  Sure, she tries things that are new and different…if you count the fact that she constaly puts her career on the line to secure funding for the pseudo-boyfriend whose success rate is only 50%.

She was independent and at the same time seemed to need his strength.

“She’ll probably be able to submit with little to no trouble!”

So in the continuation of Murphy and Isis’s constant fun-having, she fills him in on some of the genealogy of the future AntiChrist: in an act of research that is pretty shocking, Dr. Anderson found out that the AntiChrist’s egg donor’s mother AND the AntiChrist’s inseminated mother’s mother were both prostitutes.

Oh, and the father of the inseminated mother was a “Gypsy chieftain,” allowing Murphy to observe that Gypsies “are well-known for fortune-telling” and into lots of scams.  Raise your hand if you’re surprised that, on top of everything, Murphy is anti-Romani.

Murphy observes this of Alfred Meinrad, the sperm provider for the AntiChrist:

“He was a scientist and had a Ph.D. in astrophysics and a second Ph.D. in microbiology.  He was a very outspoken atheist and evolutionist.”


(Oh, and I wonder if Murphy might just be a teensy bit jealous of the good doctor, who has one more Ph.D. than our favorite adventurer.)

So the AntiChrist is descended from whores and god-deniers.  Whereas last time they made an AntiChrist, he was descended from not one, but TWO homosexuals.

Wonder which of their Most Hated Humans LaJenkins will use next time?

And the hits just keep on coming, as the truth comes out, to the shock of all: the AntiChrist’s ancestors have SPOOKY NAMES.

I’m serious.  We spend a page on this.  Spooky names.

“Michael, Michael!  Listen!” Isis exclaimed, reviewing the genealogy.  “You know that I can read and speak many languages.”

“Sure.  I know that.”

As do we all.

“Look at these names.  Zigana Averna: Zigana is Hungarian for ‘gypsy’ and Averna is Latin for ‘queen of the underworld.’

So “speaking many languages” means “knowing the meaning of every given name and surname in that language,” eh?

“Mariana Yakov: Mariana is Russian for ‘rebellious’ and Yakov is Russian for ‘supplanter’–one who takes the place of another.

I’m not sure which is sadder: that Isis thinks that Murphy doesn’t know the meaning of the word “supplanter,” or that she thinks Bible scholar Murphy doesn’t know the history of the name JACOB.

“Keres Mazikeen: Keres is Greek for ‘evil spirits’ and Mazikeen is Jewish for ‘elf like beings who can change shapes.’

“Alfred Meinrad: Alfred is Italian for ‘counselor to the elves,’ and Meinrad is German for ‘strong advisor.’

Holy shit.  Alfred Meinrad is the most bad-ass name ever.

“Carmine Anguis: Carmine is Latin for ‘crimson’ and Anguis is Latin for ‘dragon.’

“Kala Matrinka: Kala is Egyptian for ‘black’ and Matrinka is Egyptian for ‘divine mother.’

“And finally Calinda Anguis: Calinda is Latin for ‘fiery’ and Anguis is Latin for ‘dragon.’

From all this, Isis now concludes that the situation is “really spooky” and “scary.”

This is coming from a woman named ISIS.  Who got teased for that name as a kid.  And she thinks other people’s names are spooky.

This is also the author of the book, congratulating himself that the names he chose for his characters are spooky and scary.

But how does that work in the world of the book?  Did the Friends of the New World Order scour the globe for a family with appropriately-spooky names?  Did God put the ideas for spooky names into the parents’ heads so the AntiChrist would be spooky enough?

Regardless, it’s all SPOOKY, eh?

And we all know how easily Isis is spooked.

Woman that she is.  Who needs Murphy’s strength.  To fight the spooky names.



Posted on June 14, 2016, in The Europa Conspiracy. Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Mazikeen is Jewish for ‘elf like beings who can change shapes.’


    Shouldn’t that be Hebrew?

    • One would think.

      Apparently one of Isis’s many languages is “Jewish.”

      • I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that LaHaye or Phillips wanted to show off having actually done what passes for research there rather than outright making it up, so that we didn’t get, “…and his grandmother’s surname was Eville, which means ‘Evil’ in Gypsy!”

        • They were considering using the name Cruella de Vil but realized making the reference would reveal them as too worldly, seeing as how it doesn’t come from a good RTC movie and all.

  2. “Murphy! You’ll never guess! People have names. That mean things. Things in other languages! Foreigners are so creepy and spooky with their foreign-sounding names!”

    Actually I wonder which of LaHaye or Phillips ran to the other with the sudden realization, to say just that.

  3. “Gypsies are well-known for fortune-telling, Isis, and they are into lots of scams, so their evil should be obvious. Now, let’s get back to seeing how these documents I talked a sick old man I’d never met into giving me immediately before he died support the prophecies I’ve derived from my prooftexted Biblical interpretive scheme.”

  4. You can tell the serious scholars by the way they emphasize that someone with a Ph.D. in microbiology is also, incidentally, a shady “evolutionist”.

  5. So among our diverse weaponry are such diverse elements as The New World Order, IVF doctors, irrelevant New Age cults, Nazi’s, abortion proponents, the UN, North Korea, Liberal policitians, small-scale saboteurs, all other religious leaders, peace activists, homosexuals, prostitutes, Gypsy chieftains, scientists in fields who’s findings contradict RTCs* and atheists.

    *(Seriously, astrophysics and microbiology? There is literally no reason to get PhD’s in both those subjects, except to piss of RTCs. “I study how the universe is 13 billion years old and how we all evolved from other animals. Suck it, RTC dad!”

    • I’m pretty sure about halfway through that list stopped being “an evil conspiracy” and more “literally everyone in the world but Tim LaHaye Michael Murphy.”

    • Actually, astrophysics and microbiology are a pretty good fit, now that we’ve started discovering extrasolar planets these past two decades or so. It’s a good combination for figuring out how we might detect life on those planets, by finding the trace gases they might give off in the spectra from their atmospheres and other such tricks. You might be thinking about cosmology; that’s more about the 13.8 billion years, although it also involves the acceleration more recently by dark energy and other not-so-old stuff.

  6. Ouch. The wrongness…

    Just in the languages and names I have some knowledge of:

    * Avernus is the name of a lake which was supposed to be near the entrance to Hades, because volcanic fumes in the area killed birds flying over it. Yes, you could certainly connect it to the underworld, but in no way to a queen thereof.
    * Keres would almost certainly be a transliteration variant of Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture. Yes, there were Greek ‘keres’ who were death spirits, but if you’re not completely assuming bad faith from the get-go (yeah, if), which would you think someone might have named their kid after? (Yeah, yeah, doesn’t matter, still pagan.)
    * Alfred is completely Germanic in origin. Yes, there’s an Italian variant Alfredo, but anyone who’s supposed to know anything about languages wouldn’t think Alfred comes from that, but the other way around. At least the meaning is correct.
    * Carmine has nothing to do with the English colour carmine, but is actually kind of a mash-up of Carmel, as in Our Lady of Carmel and the Discalced Carmelites, and Latin carmen, a song or poem. Oh, and it’s the Italian form of the original Carmen, as in San Diego.
    * Calinda is Greek for lark. They obviously mixed it up with Latin calida, which does mean hot, warm, or fiery.

    Only one more thing to say about this: Critical Research Failure

    (I hope the formatting isn’t too mangled; I was trying to do something approximating an ordered list.)

  7. LaHaye & Phillips should know that this blade cuts both ways:

    * Tim LaHaye: Timothy is Greek for ‘honouring gods’ and LaHaye means hedge, probably as in he’s hedging his Pascal’s wager by worshipping all the gods.
    * Bob Phillips: Robert is Ital— oops, Germanic for ‘bright glory’, and Phillips is Greek for ‘lover of horses’. I’m pretty sure a glory hole is involved somehow.
    * Michael Murphy: Michael is Jewi— I mean, Hebrew for ‘who is like God?’, and Murphy is Irish for ‘sea-warrior’. With the reasonable assumption that the last name answers the question posed by the first, this is obviously the name of an especially devoted follower of the Ironborn Greyjoys, and of the Drowned God.

    Who else can we pick on?

    • Or if you’re a fan of Changeling the Lost, it means that Tim LaHaye is either a Hobgoblin or a Changeling Loyalist. He honors the Fae as his gods, and he is of/comes from the Hedge.

      Though I cracked up over your explanations for all three!

  8. “…The New World Order, IVF doctors, irrelevant New Age cults, Nazi’s, abortion proponents, the UN, North Korea, Liberal politicians, small-scale saboteurs, all other religious leaders, peace activists, homosexuals, prostitutes, Gypsy chieftains, scientists in fields who’s findings contradict RTCs and atheists.”

    …and also presumably rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

  9. We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

  10. …you know, having re-read the list above, I can’t help but think how in a different novel, the weird alliance of peace activists, IVF doctors, North Korea et al would be the ragtag bunch of former enemies who come together to *save* the world.

    • You’ll want something along the lines of World War Z (the book), or even better, The Salvation War: A massive fuck-off alliance to kick both fiendish and divine ass. “When all hell is loosed on earth, all earth is loosed on hell”

  11. “She was fun to be with and was not afraid to try things that were new and different.”

    And now I shall put away my dirty mind again.

    The obviously false names are simply a way of concealing the identities of the experimental subjects. It’s a bit more flowery than the usual “subject 419”, but hey. And Mariana is just, um, Mary, right?

    • My namebook (or however it’s properly called) cites Mariana-with-one-“n” (and zero tildas) as a *Western* name.

  12. “Keres Mazikeen: Keres is Greek for ‘evil spirits’ and Mazikeen is Jewish for ‘elf like beings who can change shapes.’

    “Alfred Meinrad: Alfred is Italian for ‘counselor to the elves,’ and Meinrad is German for ‘strong advisor.’”

    So what I’m picking up from all this is that the Anti-Christ is going to be an elf.

    Why am I not surprised?

    • “…and that’s why you should burn your kid’s Harry Potter books and buy Real, True Christian books from us instead. Easy terms available. Any more questions?”

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for June 17th, 2016 | The Slacktiverse

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