TEoD: Chapter 47: Tumors and Rats

Back in the Biblical flashback again, and moving right along (faster than the main plot of this book, by quite a bit), this time we do I Samuel 6, 1-12.

It begins thusly:

Painful only slightly describes the ten-mile journey from Ashdod near the great sea called the Mediterranean.  The inland march to Gath and the great village of giants was torture, to say the least.



That is just one of the most awkward, redundant passages I have read in these books, and this particular book just spent two chapters killing a barely-named character.

Now, I’ve skimmed over this so far, because it’s mostly just boring, but this is where things get weird.

Now, if you read the Bible section I linked, or this silly chapter that just recaps it and adds a few random names to random characters, you’ll see the cray on full display:

“If you send away the Ark of the God of Israel, do not send it empty.  We need to return it with a trespass offering. … I suggest five golden tumors and five golden rats…”

Yeah, they’re going to make golden RATS and golden TUMORS.


Yanno, if Michael Murphy really wants to find some extraordinary biblical artifacts, I think he should concentrate on the golden TUMOR angle.  Because holy crap, why wouldn’t you, right?

Just today, I was listening to Christian radio, and Rick Warren was telling me how without the Bible, there would be no rules, no standards, we could do whatever we wanted with no consequences.  Which, no, because …

But also because, seriously?  You’re taking up space in the Inspired Law Book of God’s Infallible Lawful Word…talking about making TUMORS out of GOLD.

Also rats.

I mean, holy crap.

Posted on June 12, 2018, in The Edge of Darkness. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Holy Hell. That first quote sounds like something I might have written in an English-class essay back in junior high.

  2. I came across the tumors bit recently while making another pass through the Brick Testament, and it prompted me to do a little research. Turns out some translations use “hemorrhoids” instead of “tumors”. Which is even funnier.

    • It sounds like an excuse. “We got these formless lumps of gold to offer, but no gold smith to make em into something nice. Eh, screw it, we’ll say God asked for some randomly shaped lumps.”

      Also, weren’t golden statues of animals a big no-no a few books ago?

  3. Murphy going off to search for biblical golden tumors would make a much more interesting book than what we’ve seen of this series so far.

    • Going out to search for a roughly hewn stone carving of a scrotum would be more interesting. Anything to get him to do something other than fuming at home at how mean everyone is to good Christians like him, in between dumping the woman he’d been crushing on for not being a good Christian (right after he found an equally hot model who was a good Christian).

  4. To say that the ten-mile journey from Ashdod near the great sea called the Mediterranean was long was like saying the Great Wall of China was painful. Or was it the other way around?

  5. Whatever that is, tumours or emerods/haemorrhoids, it’s what the men of various cities were smote with in their secret parts (1 Samuel 5).

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for June 15th, 2018 | The Slacktiverse

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