TEoD: Chapter 56: Last Ark Chapter!

And thank goodness for that: four books in, and this is BY FAR the least interesting series of back-in-the-Bible we’ve come across yet.  I can only imagine what we will get if Phillips ever writes the last book in the series.  (As Tim LaHaye has moved on to his eternal reward (or whatever), maybe Jerry Jenkins will step in as Biblical Consultant.)

Anyway, moving right along in the Bible to the next incredibly boring chapter, this time, it’s I Samuel 6, verse 12 to I Samuel 7, verse 2.

In yet another instance of animal cruelty in the Bible, when the driver-less cart with the ark wanders into a random field, the Levites sacrifice the cows pulling the cart as a burnt offering to the LORD.  And the poor cows never did anything to anybody.

So they keep constant watch over the Ark (there seems to be no long-term plan of what to do with this stupid thing), and unsurprisingly, eventually curiosity gets the best of some random dudes guarding it, so they open it and die, but not before pulling out the golden rats and tumors, and also, impliedly, the jar of manna and rod of Aaron.

Like that, except nobody’s face gets melted.

Oh, and because God is just a super fair kinda guy, he kills not only the men who looked directly into the Ark, but FIFTY THOUSAND OTHER GUYS WHO NEVER DID ANYTHING, MANY OF WHOM PROBABLY DID NOT KNOW THE ARK WAS EVEN THERE.

So they cover the Ark without looking at it, and send it off to be guarded by…somebody, I don’t care who, and the priests of Dagon take the “two items” to the temple, which is where Murphy now FINALLY is.

Sorry, this story just doesn’t have the dramatic pull of Noah’s Ark.

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Posted on August 29, 2018, in The Edge of Darkness. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. I’m suddenly trying to imagine National Treasure as written by Phillips. Yeesh.

  2. “We’re better than you, ‘cos we’ve got an Ark and you don’t.”
    “What’s it for?”
    “Well, you can put things in it. And if you look inside you die.”
    “…”

    • Well, according to this, it also kills everything in like a 50 mile radius (I’m guessing you need a pretty big area of ancient Israel for the total to add to 50.000 casualties.) So it can work in a Mutually Assured Destruction kind of way: “If your army enters our lands, we look in the box!”

      • I’m a role-player. I think about things like this. One sacrificial army, invading through the most populated enemy lands, coming right up, with the real army lurking behind to swoop in and get the Ark out of harm’s way before any other defenders can arrive to pick it up.

        • True, once you trigger it it’s a race to see who gets to the Ark first from the edge of the blastzone. Still, it does require the attacker to have two armies powerful enough that the defending army can’t beat either without the box. And the hometeam knows exactly where the Ark was, so they have an easier time at the race.

          Speaking of roleplaying, doesn’t this remind you of the Locate City Bomb? Specifically the wight-pocalypse variant, since people just die instead of being blasted to the edge.

          • Yeah, though I play more GURPS than D&D, so my version is Toxic Attack 1, Area Effect 22, Cosmic (Irresistible Attack) [15 points] – do one hit point of damage to everything within thousands of miles.

  3. Ah, this is one of the many passages of the Bible where god is just a huge dick to people for no good reason.

  4. So – anyone who looks ito the box dies. Y’know, if the Nazis had just bought along a blind person to rummage about in the box for them, that film would have ended totally differently….

    • I like how Cracked pointed out that Indiana really shouldn’t have bothered stopping the Nazi’s from hauling the Ark off to Berlin to display it to the Führer. It actually would’ve solved a lot of problems at once.

      • Yes, it’s an unfortunate undermining of the film’s basic premise (as distinct from “how did he manage to cling to the submarine during its underwater journey”). Though it could also be used as a good example of how to tell an exciting story that still has predestination in it.

      • InquisitiveRaven

        I get the impression that he didn’t figure out what would happen if the wrong people opened it until just before it happened.

        • I think you’re right – in the meeting with the Army Intelligence guys early in the movie, Indiana explains that any army that marches with the Ark before it is invincible. No mention of opening the Ark, just putting it before the army.

          I think opening the Ark was Belloc’s idea (and Indiana didn’t know of Belloc’s involvement at the time of that meeting) but I’m not sure if the text supports that.

  1. Pingback: Deconstruction Roundup for August 31st, 2018 | The Slacktiverse

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